confused and hurt

[jojosparkles]

i dont really kno why im writing this but i just want someone to maybe give me advice or maybe their views! i dont really kno...im just confused!!

the story basically goes like this!

this lad i met a while back when i was ok...well forcin myself to cope...wants to c me. he dont live ere and he wants me to visit him. i have made excuse after excuse and for the past 6 months he has been patient. He knows all about my problems but as i am bubbly and not really the shy type..i dont fink he understands how serious my sp is.

it all came to a head today tho. he wanted to c me at the weekend and i once again told him no. he lost his temper. he said that he is sick to the back teeth of me and that he finks i am just full of shit. i think that hurt the most. he has kept on sayin that if i loved him as much as i say i do i would c him. i just cant tho! id do love him more than anythin or anyone in the world.

i can totally c where he is comin from. he feels rejected by me!. he just finks i am messin him about and i dont care. i had told him time and time again to move on. i dont want him to b unhappy and waste his time. i dont want him to go out of my life but i beleive if you love someone enuff u should let them go.

i wish he realised that i dont do it on purpose tho! i dont want him to c the me i am now! the
once outgoing confident girl who is now just a total mess. i dont want him to c me and reject me cos i kno that would b the end of me!

he has now just said that he wants me out his life all together. i am totally and utterly gutted. more by the fact that he thort i was just messin him around than by the fact that he has gone.

i feel empty and numb. a just feel like givin up cos it feels like evryone else around me is there for so long and then just gets sick. why should anyone put up with me and my shit. i dont expect anyone to.

he brought me some happiness and hope and it now just feels like the light at the end of the tunnel has gone out!

 

[Danfalc]

I think you should contact him.. and go see him.I can understand why you feel you cant go.. because you feel that he wont accept you ect..?
But if its gonna end anyway because he needs to take it further than you emailing or phoning each other or whatever you guys do.You dont have anything to loose by going and meeting him.

If not try and keep in contact with, and say if i was just messing you about why would i keep trying to keep in touch.From what you say he seems really serious about you.. and is probaly just as upset as you are with the way things have turned out.If i got it right you said... that you think he would be wasting his time on you... well dont decide for him, i know its easier said than done but go meet him and let him decide himself.

Sorry if this is insensative... me telling you to just go meet him, when it really isnt that easy.But if its going to end.. you have nothing to loose and if you dont you might really regret it.Just because you only see the bad things about yourself doesnt mean people cant accept you with them and love you for the things you dont realise you have.You seem a really nice sweet girl... and if hes clever he will see that in you, try and not let sp beat you from having some happyness that you deserve.

really hope it works out for you hun.

 

[jojosparkles]

I am sittin readin the post in tears! wat u said is really true!

I will lose him anyway!

I have asked for him to give me a bit more time! He is going to aswell! Being like this with him is just pushing him further and further away!

I seem to just cause me own downfall!

 

[Danfalc]

I really didnt mean to upset you... its just that ive been in a really simlar situation.I met a girl who i really liked.. and she accepted me... but i still mucked things up by thinking that she wouldnt like me if we spent lots of time together or.. she would get sick of me ect...

And i realise now i missed a big chance which i might not get again.Im just trying to get you not to make the mistake i did, if you go and meet this guy, then youve really tried your best, as its such a hard thing to do.If you dont you will regret it, and it will always be a what if i had only gone?

Sorry if this is upsetting you but i think your gonna hurt more if you let him slip through your fingers, where as if you meet him you know youve tried as best you can.

 

[jojosparkles]

you aint upsettin me cos im sad! u upsettin me cos i kno wat ya sayin is true!

i have shut off my feelings for so long! i cant do it anymore tho! its my chance of happiness and im goin to throw it all away and not just hurt myself but hurt someone else in the process!!

i kno aswell il regret it for the rest of my life!!

i need to change! i have nothin to lose! i couldnt feel any worse than i do anyway!

 

[jojosparkles]

aw thanks! i have just lost hope at the mo! im bk on anti depressants tho cos i just cant c the point in living! im my own worst enemy! its stupid!

im sure everythin would b fine but its just the worry of wat if!

 

[jojosparkles]

thanks dan and nadine! it means alot!

i have bought a little bit more time. i start work on monday and i fink that that is stressful enough at the mo without goin and meeting him.
i have a few weeks to sort me head out or boost me self esteem which is completely shattered.
i hav been so unlucky in love it puts me off goin to c him. its silly but i just cant get close to anyone anymore. im really self conscious aswell and i fink that would b so awkward!

love and sparkles jojo xxx

 

[Rainman]

i have bought a little bit more time. i start work on monday and i fink that that is stressful enough at the mo without goin and meeting him.
i have a few weeks to sort me head out or boost me self esteem which is completely shattered.

You have a few weeks to sort your head out and boost your self-esteem? Do you really think you can do that in a few weeks? I've always thought the same as well, that before I confront the world, I need to first become confident in a few weeks/months/years. And what happend was, that I just waited and waited, thinking I wasn't ready yet, and years did pass and I was still in the same position. This is probably why they say, "He/she who hestitates, waits"

My whole approach was wrong. How could I build up my confidence, without actually going out there and facing the world. The key here is, I needed to DO, I had done enough thinking already. I could not learn a practical skill, without actually practicing. It would be like trying to learn how to play football by just reading about it, but not playing it.

I do understand where you are coming from. I had a few relationships on the internet, and I was all charismatic and suave on chat, but the very thought of meeting them in real life scared me to death and because of that I lost them. At some point, you need to turn the fantasy into reality, and if you hestitate to do that for too long, that fantasy will shatter anyway. You are almost bound to lose them. But, if you do actually meet them in real life, at least there is a possibility that you may maintain that or it may blossom even more.

In my case, I had never told my internet girlfriend about my SA, so was even under more pressure of not being able to meet the expectations I has created on chat. In your case, you already have one up on me, you've told your boyfriend about your SA and he accepts it and understands it. You're lucky to find someone like that.

There is only one thing you can do now, to save this relationship, that is go and meet him or arrange for him to meet you. You will definitely lose him, if you make him wait too much, but if you actually meet him, there is the possibility that you will stay together and your relationship may blossom even more. There is also the possibility that you decide to become good friends. I can think of a lot of positives that could come out of meeting him:

1. You will still like each other the same
2. You like each other even better
3. You decide to become good friends
4. You do not like each other, but nothing went to waste, despite your fears, you just made the effort to go and see him. It is something to congratulate yourselves about. Now, that you've gone through the experience, you could go through it again with somebody else and each time that situation will seem even less intimidating.

Do not concern yourselves with the results or fruits of your action. As long as you make the effort, that is good enough.

This may be that boost to your self-esteem you need. Just go meet him and leave the rest to fate.