Seri
Active member
Sometimes it helps to express things in some way, to tell other people about things. Especially on a forum such as this that people who you know in person are unaware of. I don't think this applies to any specific disorder, but rather all or any of them.
Basically I thought this could be a topic to just let out the worst things you've done at the height of your condition unraveling etc. And please, no judging or nastiness in regards to what some people might have done. The point is to just get it out without that fear.
-----
So, I'll start.
At my worst depressive point I took a ton of pills with the intention of ending everything. I took them spaced out a little bit, then woke up at 3am the next morning and started vomiting. The local doctor was able to calm down the vomiting a little (so that it wasn't constant anymore, but every couple of minutes instead) but I didn't actually stop trying to retch up my stomach until I got to the hospital at about 4pm. For those thinking that pills are a nice, easy way out: No way, they're painful and very messy.
To be honest I still hold the same view that I did then of there not being much point to anything. However I stay alive pretty much out of curiosity, to see what happens to the world and people around me. It isn't much, but it's something.
At my most paranoid I got freaked out that a friend I'd recently met online and in person somehow managed to find an account of mine online that I'd never told them about. I completely cut them out of my life, closing any accounts they knew of, and mailing a book they'd let me borrow back to them. I felt so out of sorts that I didn't want any personal imprint on the book, so I cleaned it, and handled it, and the envelope with gloves then typed and printed the note, address etc for it.
At another paranoid moment a former partner of mine (long distance) and I had shared passwords for our email accounts years before. They'd broken things off because there was someone where they were. I started obsessively checking their journal for updates, then remembered the password and checked their email and private journal posts. I feel like my obsessiveness/paranoia was almost completely out of control at that point, driven by the fact that they were hiding things from me, and not really informing me of what was happening. It culminated in my paranoia being sure that they knew what I was doing, and I confessed everything to them. For some reason, I think I thought that things would feel a lot better if I told them everything that I'd done. It didn't make things better
And they were understandably not happy about it. Fortunately though their not being happy about it was enough of a shock for me to gain control and start cutting back on my behaviour (especially since by confessing I had given them the opportunity to chance their password and therefore stop me). I started gradually cutting back on the amount of times that I would check things each day, limiting it until eventually I stopped altogether.
Now, because I never want to do something or feel like that ever again, I deliberately distance myself. I try to keep my emotions very under control, so if say someone were to cheat on me I would give them several chances and then ditch them. There would be some emotional attachment sure, but never to that degree again. I think I owe it to myself to keep my own sanity as a priority.
Edit: Oh, I haven't had any contact from the first person I was paranoid about since, while with the second one they forgave me and we're still in contact with each other
Basically I thought this could be a topic to just let out the worst things you've done at the height of your condition unraveling etc. And please, no judging or nastiness in regards to what some people might have done. The point is to just get it out without that fear.
-----
So, I'll start.
At my worst depressive point I took a ton of pills with the intention of ending everything. I took them spaced out a little bit, then woke up at 3am the next morning and started vomiting. The local doctor was able to calm down the vomiting a little (so that it wasn't constant anymore, but every couple of minutes instead) but I didn't actually stop trying to retch up my stomach until I got to the hospital at about 4pm. For those thinking that pills are a nice, easy way out: No way, they're painful and very messy.
To be honest I still hold the same view that I did then of there not being much point to anything. However I stay alive pretty much out of curiosity, to see what happens to the world and people around me. It isn't much, but it's something.
At my most paranoid I got freaked out that a friend I'd recently met online and in person somehow managed to find an account of mine online that I'd never told them about. I completely cut them out of my life, closing any accounts they knew of, and mailing a book they'd let me borrow back to them. I felt so out of sorts that I didn't want any personal imprint on the book, so I cleaned it, and handled it, and the envelope with gloves then typed and printed the note, address etc for it.
At another paranoid moment a former partner of mine (long distance) and I had shared passwords for our email accounts years before. They'd broken things off because there was someone where they were. I started obsessively checking their journal for updates, then remembered the password and checked their email and private journal posts. I feel like my obsessiveness/paranoia was almost completely out of control at that point, driven by the fact that they were hiding things from me, and not really informing me of what was happening. It culminated in my paranoia being sure that they knew what I was doing, and I confessed everything to them. For some reason, I think I thought that things would feel a lot better if I told them everything that I'd done. It didn't make things better
And they were understandably not happy about it. Fortunately though their not being happy about it was enough of a shock for me to gain control and start cutting back on my behaviour (especially since by confessing I had given them the opportunity to chance their password and therefore stop me). I started gradually cutting back on the amount of times that I would check things each day, limiting it until eventually I stopped altogether.Now, because I never want to do something or feel like that ever again, I deliberately distance myself. I try to keep my emotions very under control, so if say someone were to cheat on me I would give them several chances and then ditch them. There would be some emotional attachment sure, but never to that degree again. I think I owe it to myself to keep my own sanity as a priority.
Edit: Oh, I haven't had any contact from the first person I was paranoid about since, while with the second one they forgave me and we're still in contact with each other
Last edited:
