Concerned about daughter

[hms444]

My 16 y.o. daughter is somewhat shy and my wife is very worried about her. She doesn't date (as her Dad this doesn't really bother me) nor seem interested in boys. Also has no close friends and doesn't do a lot with other kids outside of the sport that she is involved in.

From all outward appearances she appears to be fairly normal. She doesn't wear makeup or worry too much about her appearance, but she's by no means dirty/sloppy.

I hadn't really given this much thought, but she's my daughter (Dad's girl, you know), so I tend not to be critical of her.

My wife is very critical of her - worries that she'll never find anyone, that's she is very shy, doesn't take care of her appearance, etc.

Do any of you parents have kids like this? Are any of you teenage girls like this?

 

[Nadine333]

not a parent but i rememebr being 16....if your worried that she has SA you should just ask her, talk to her, i would have loved to be talked to about stuff with my father like that. dont ignore it, it gets worse when ignored. everyone in my family thought i was normal, thought being the key word, now im older and shaping up to be a fucking loser so do you daughter a favor and talk to her about it.

I agree with Taws, you should really talk to her about it if your concerned & dont you think you should be talking to your wife if she is being over critical of your daughter......... Dont you know that can have very damaging effects on a child. Print off some information and ask her to have a read and see what she thinks

 

[FruitLooPs]

Being only 16 I wouldn't start panicking because she hasn't dated anyone yet.

I'm 19 and haven't dated someone - somewhere between where she is now and where i am now you probably want to encourage her to get out there.

I dont think having an overly critical mother would help either, see if you can talk to your wife about it.

Plenty of normal people dont get out dating till they are older, then again some dont because of other reasons like SA or plain shyness.

I think in my case I didn't have much negative or criticism but no positive encouragement in this area myself. I tried to find my feet in the dating world myself, had it horribly backfire and more or less gave up. :S

I found that my friends mother was more encouraging of me getting a job than my own!

I still love mum for sure, but a little encouragement goes along way. Just be wary of the line between encouragement and nagging, nagging often causes the opposite behaviour. :wink:

 

[black_mamba]

She doesn't date.

Also has no close friends and doesn't do a lot with other kids outside of the sport that she is involved in.

From all outward appearances she appears to be fairly normal.

So whats the problem?

I was like that at 16, and although I do still have mild social phobia I'm doing ok with myself, currently at university so good luck to your daughter!

Dating isn't integral to being a healthy young girl, nor is worrying a lot about your appearance. The fact that she has no close friends is a good indicator that shyness may be holding her back from making friends or partaking in social activites in general.

Has she expressed concerns about having no friends or feeling lonely? It may be worth asking her.

 

[Angie_05]

When I was a teenager I was overly concerned about peer acceptance and my looks, which lead to unhealthy weight loss habits and low self-esteem.

Sounds like your daughter has a very good head on her shoulders. The best thing you can do is try to speak openly with her and provide support. Criticizing her will not help. Ask her how she's doing. Get involved.

 

[hms444]

Okay, thanks everyone for the reality check. Now that I think of it, I didn't date until I was in college. Didn't seem to be the all that important to me.

I sometimes wonder if the problem lies more with my wife trying to relive her youth through my daughter.

 

[purpledishsoap]

Sounds a lot like me :]

 

[jasmine32]

Only 16

She's ony 16. DOn't worry. Some kids are late bloomers

 

[Mortiska]

That's right, but if I know 16 year-old girls these days, she'll have lost her virginity before her next birthday! I'm not trying to say anything bad, I'm just being honest. I know this isn't the kind of thing you want to hear, but girls these days get fucked when they're young now most of the time. I mean dude, how many examples must I give to prove this? I posted here once before as NiGhT_StAlKeR too but they banned me and deleted my post which was rather similar to this one. I think it's appualing the way that free speech is not accepted in modern society. I mean seriously y'all, why do people get so upset when the truth is brought to light? I think it's really laim, and I think everyone on this shitty fucked-up earth outta' fuckin' learn what life's all about. Is anyone else feelin' me?

 

[piper23]

IA with FruitLoops. I think (especially) mothers can be overly critical because they want their baby to be liked and to enjoy life, then when they see them miserable they feel horrible, and their anxiety crestens to the point where they blow up in this "WHY AREN'T YOU LIKE THIS" argument...when in reality it's just them caring about their child and hurting at seeing their pain.
A kind word for parents: PLEASE try to stay calm and figure out all the reasons why your child is shy. It could be that they don't feel the need to have relationships at this time. If it's feelings of inadequacy, well, be there for her, but don't push. She will blossom on her own--NO ONE else can make her. If you try to she will only resent it. But also let her know you are there for her if she decides she wants to come out of her shell.
I was a complete tomboy at 16...by 18, I was obsessed with my looks, had to have the latest fashions, couldn't leave the house without full makeup and my hair perfect. Sooo, things change. Just give it time. And always be there for her without overreacting. Hard, I know. But if she sees you trying to help her blossom into a well-adjusted adult while giving her space, she will appreciate it and I think she will be OK in the end. :wink:
I think you are a great dad, hms444.