Chronic Anxiety

[jonnyC]

Hi I'm Jonny, I'm 24 and am a primary education student going into my 3rd year this september.

I suffer from chonic anxity coupled with depression and hvae done for over 8 years. Times in my life have been really tough and now is no different. From leaving school after my GCSE's due to depression/anxiety I have gone on many courses and succeeded in many things. I trained to be a lifeguard and assisstant teacher, I have a Advanced GNVQ in IT, HND in Multimedia and now am training to be a teacher. Throughout this time I have had ups and downs, as is life, but my life for these years has always been under medication.

At this moment in time I am going on to a new type of medication called Ciraplex? which is used for depression and anxiety disorders. At first I fielt better but the anxiety has kicked in again destroying any enjoyment in life and making me fearful of the future.

Next week I start CBT, because apart for a short part of therapy when I was 16 I haven't had any therapy, just medication. I realise now that drugs will not cure my problem or always be sufficient in life, and that I need to be able to learn and cope with stress on my own.

My main problems are to do with worry, largely of having a full-time job, coping with a family and the anxiety that I already have. I believe because I am like this and have been for X number of years, I won't cope and am heading for a crash and burn. This scares me because I know how that feels and it is not somewhere anyone wants to be.

My parents. girlfriend, family are a great support but it is a great strain on them after so many years. I get a feeling of deja vu, and they feel at a total loss to help me. I struggle to maintain my mood throughout the day, even when I am doing what I want. The hardest thing is overcoming the anxiety to get on with life and when it is so disabling. The knotted stomach, shakkiness and general feeling of being fragile is often overwhelming, leaving me feeling incapable in life.

I look at what I have achieved and tbh it doesn't reflect how I feel alot of the time. I am on course for a high 2-1 at uni. I have had good feedback within school for teaching. I have a healthy lifestyle, good weight and exercise, diet etc. I am not an angry or moody person. Shy sensitive and caring towards others. Dedicated to what I do, and yet despite all this I set myself up for failure.

Over the summer I have a had a huge holiday from uni and it has led to massive depression and anxiety due to me pulling myself off the meds. It hasn't been a good time and I look the worse for it. I look tired, stressed and like the life has been sucked from me. I am scared and very sensitive to what other people think about that and their reactions. Whilst I am confident at times and surprise people who know me, I can become very crippled from the anxiety and then depressed from this.

If anyone else suffers like this, I wouldn't mind talking with them, either posting or msn.

Cheers

 

[Plurby]

Hi Jonny.

I think you have done the right thing in getting off the antidepressants. The trouble with them I think is not being able to tell what is your own reality, if you know what I mean.

I have only recently been able to put a name to what I have suffered with. In the past I have called it depression, which, I suppose is what it was, but if I had used medication to try to help me I don't think it would have benefitted me in the end.

I believe it started when I was at secondary school, during adolesence, I would find my self stammering in group conversations. So in the end I stopped talking in those situations. I always found it hard to talk to 'grown ups' when I was younger, so when I became a grown up there were people I found hard to talk to. Looking back now I have managed to get past my fears, I remember the people I was most anxious about were people who I felt were better than me. Teachers, doctors, dentists, etc.

When I went on a first date with a lad when I was 16 we went for a drink in a pub and I found that I couldn't get the drink to my mouth very easily. It was as though my head had decided it couldn't move and no matter what I wanted it to do, it had it's own agenda! It wasn't really funny, but I think you have to laugh at yourself and try not to take yourself too seriously. When I got that drink to my mouth my head and hand would start shaking! After I managed to get the first mouthful down I didn't seem to be as bad.
After this though, in stressful situations the same thing would happen if I had a drink.

When I had my first child when I was 23 I didn't see many people. I was breastfeeding so found it hard to get out simply because newborns want feeding all the time!! I found that the friends I had weren't around any more. I couldn't see the people I used to work with. I began to feel very alone. I would blush and fluster my words just buying something from the local shop. Almost every time I had a drink in front of other people the fear of what might happen would fill my thoughts and I would fear the shaking, I had managed to find a way of stopping this. As I was bringing the drink up to my mouth i would tap my foot over and over until I managed to get it to my mouth successfully, but even that was starting to fail. I was getting very angry with myself. I was feeling selfish because I thought that other people might be judging me. I seemed to be overly conspicuous.

Since having my first I have had another two children. When my eldest started nursery I found it very hard to get out of the house. I was afraid that the teachers would be judging me. I knew it was completely irrational, but I couldn't shake the feeling. My partner started taking her to nursery. I think although it helped me a small amount, it didn't because I wasn't able to face my fear and conquer it. It happened with my other two children going into nursery. I would actually walk home trying to hide my tears because I had fluffed up while in conversation with the teacher.

It has taken me nearly three years (I am surprised at how long now I've worked it out) to get over the worst effects of the fears I had. I plucked up the courage to deliver avon brochures. I found that really nerve wracking, but it was made easier because I was talking to complete strangers, I had no idea what job they were in, etc., but I had something to talk about with them. I found that they were all really nice people. I think I started to accept myself better around then.

I think the way we get over this thing is different for everyone. The thing to remember is that it can be beaten. I still get moments when about to pick my drink up where i think I may struggle but I push the thought away. I am going to offer help at the primary school to get over my anxiety about teachers. I know they're just normal people, I know it's irrational but I can't seem to help it. I am a lot better now at the school. I don't blush, I can talk to the teachers with out fluffing my words. I can walk through the playground without worrying that everyone is looking at me and judging me. I can walk around the shopping precinct without worrying that someone will stop me and what to chat.

I feel so much freer!

I have gone on and on, sorry! It's nice to blurt it all out hopefully to people who understand.

 

[jonnyC]

Hi Plurby!

Well I left out that I am actually on an anti depressant/anxiety drug called ecsitlopram? Been on it 3 weeks now and I haven't really had any negative reaction. I am sleeping much better now, but I still remain anxious throughout the day.

I know this forum is mainly social anxiety, and although I do get that, my problem lies more with a generalised anxiety, which it is why it is hard to face my fears!

I think it is good to remember, only you have the right to judge yourself. People that you see around you don't revolve their lives around judging people, and tbh, who cares what they think? This world is made up of such a mix of people, we really should just accept each other, rather than be suspicious of anything different.

 

[Plurby]

Hi Jonny

Sorry, I didn't realise how much I had babbled on! I hadn't posted here before and flooded out my feelings.

I think that anti-depressents can help, definitely. As you say though it is better to try to deal with it on your own.

I only found out about 'Social Phobia' a few weeks ago when I happened to watch a glimpse of a programme one morning where two doctors were talking about it. I had always thought I had some sort of depression that led me to have a mild form of agoraphobia. Although I could go outside I felt anxiety at other times not really about going outside.

I feel for you. It is so very debilitating. It is hard to try to help someone out of something like anxiety, because we know we shouldn't be feeling like it but it happens without thought. I feel a lot happier than I did. I made some changes and forced myself to do things that otherwise I would have rather hidden in a corner. It maybe doesn't help to hear people talking about how much better they feel, but these feelings can be gotten over, they don't have to be the main part of yourself. I got pig sick of being angry with myself for messing up by blushing or being frozen with fear in different situations.

 

[Plurby]

http://JonnyC.youaremighty.com/

It might make you laugh!



You'll need your sound up.

 

[jonnyC]

:lol: excellent!

It's good that you are feeling better Plurby/ I am not so introspective that I don't care about others, but I must admit I think about myself an awful lot!

My main problem lies that over the past 8 years I have trained myself into quite self destructive thinking. Very very bad because I have very little self confidence and self worth. When people pat me on the back and say you'll be alright, my mind automatically says "no you won't"

It's really hard to stop this for of thinking, because it does me absolutely no good.

 

[Plurby]

That's the trouble isn't it? It's hard to listen to what others say about you when you have yourself convinced otherwise.

I was wondering whether this anxiety that such a lot of us share is linked to us having more of an awareness of others as well as ourselves than other people in general. I am a natural empathiser, I'm wondering if other sufferers are?