Hey,
I am wondering if anyone here have gotten over they're social anxiety? How bad was it before and how are things now?
This is a long text, I just started to write about my situation and, well it took some space. Basically the text below is my life, it can be interesting to read. The reason I wrote this is that I feel I have to do something about my social anxiety but I don’t really know if “I CAN” do anything at all anymore. I believe in some of the methods that exist (cbt) and I believe it can be done, I just don’t really believe that “I CAN” do it, mostly because I have tried many times and not succeeded. So it would be greatly helpful to hear about people that have successfully done something about theirs.
(By the way, this text is not that well written just my immediate thoughts on my life, please have that in mind if you read it)
I have been staying away from social situations for a long time, I never really liked being social when I was 12 and up till 18 years old. I only went to birthday parties and family gatherings because of my mom. I never had anything to say and I let everyone else talk and basically only talked when asked questions. I had friends that were into the same stuff as I, video games, movies, books and such and I could talk to them at least.
At 20, I continued to feel the same way and around this time I also started to feel that this isn’t so normal. I had been overweight for most of my life and I found a friend who was into weight lifting and exercise and he was very into picking up girls. Let’s say he talked a lot about women contrasted with some of my other friends and me that never thought about them AT ALL.
So I started to believe that maybe I could get in shape, look good and that way get girls. So I started working out, did it more intensely over the years, I was around 20 when I started. Anyway it was very slow going, not because it can’t be done relatively fast (1 year or 2) but because I couldn't stop eating. Certain situations, social and others where I felt anxiety would propel me into an eating session, I recently read a book called binge eating disorder and I think I have that to a certain degree.
Anyway the guy that introduced me to working out also introduced me in some ways, together with some other guys, to alcohol. I liked these guys but at the time I think they were pretty negative, at least some of them, with a high degree of dislike for people in general, people that looked a certain way or did stupid things etc. Especially one of the guys had very strong hateful opinions. I still know him and he is still that way (not the guy that introduced me to working out). But at the time I liked them because they respected me, I was very smart and good at math and physics so I helped them a lot in that area.
Well the alcohol led us going out to clubs hoping that I could get girls while drinking, I was very drunk when out, pretty much like most other people. And it was fun to some degree, when I drink I become a totally different person, it’s a big shift. I become very social, I talk without inhibitions, without caring what anyone thinks of me. I also went quiet crazy much of the time, did crazy stuff and people liked me for it. It was like I was an entertainer. Not everyone liked me but the guys I mentioned above did (hmm could that be because of some connection through negativity? I think we were drawn togheter..) and others, here and there.
Around 25 I started to realize that this gets me nowhere, the only focus in my life then (part from my electrical engineering studies) was to get in shape, get a fit masterful body. It was a dream that had grown huge at this point. It was success or die for me. I was still dependent on junk food, I couldn’t control it when the feeling that I needed/wanted to eat hit, I basically had to do it, but I wouldn't give up.
This all intensified after I broke up with a girlfriend in the beginning of 2005. That crushed me totally. It felt as if I was going to die. How was I to survive alone? (We were together for 1.5 years, and it was a downward spiral all the way, so many of my social inner issues came up. I started to smoke and eat a lot more as a result, and dropped my work out.) After the break up I knew I had to get that masterful body so I could get a new girlfriend, so that i could meet girls in general and get over all my problems. I didn't see them as social problems then really. I just had issues all over and the solution was to get that great body, I believed it so hard.
Well I did a great job of it. Lost alot of weight. Was at 105 kg in February 2005 and went up and down for a two years and was fully transformed in the summer of 2007 at 71 kg. It was an unbelievable change. I was going to study in Singapore this summer that’s why I did this so hard at this point. I thought that if I looked great when there I could have all kinds of fun.
Still I had done nothing about my social problems. I said I was going to deal with that after I got into shape. I have not mentioned one thing here. Around the end of 2005 a friend of mine got a hold of the book "the GAME" which I later read and that book spiraled me into tons of material about how to pick up girls, AND more importantly to me, how to transform oneself from a shy guy to a more social guy. And I got stuck in this material as I continued to work out to get that body. I did some things but nothing consistently.
I listened to self help tapes for hundreds of hours as I did morning power walks for one to three hours a time. I watched DVD program after program. I ordered many books that I read. I was stuck in a fantasy world of possible transformation and all I did was working out. I just couldn't get over my anxiety. I tried to start going out to clubs without drinking alcohol but I just couldn't bring myself to start talking to girls. And its not like I am a very social guy here outside of that. I don’t talk to people in school much at all, I have only these friends that I go out with and we only see each other once or twice every week, when it’s "going out time". The other time of the week I work out and sit at home.
This was a normal week for me. Work out hard Monday to Friday (and studying) then Friday night, time to go out. "Yes maybe i'll find a girl tonight!" Very positive, I really believed. Anyway I went out and the anxiety hit me. I get more and more in my head, more paralyzed with fear until I had to go home with very strong negative feelings and negative self talk. Then the day after (and probably the same night) I would eat a lot of junk food and watch movies, escaping the truth about what had happened. I couldn’t accept that I had no control over my own body. I wanted to talk to people. I wanted to be social but I couldn’t! It was driving me crazy, the only way out was to escape into food and movies.
And when I was in conversations with people (especially girls) either at a party or out I was still very nervous and couldn’t come up with anything to say, just as when I was younger. I just didn’t want to say the wrong thing or upset or hurt anyone.
The thing is, I had read about many ways to deal with anxieties and fears and tried it so some extent but if I am really honest I didn’t try much and absolutely not long enough for it to work. Instead I was focused on “glamorous” things like cool pickup lines and more information on how to change, crazy.
Anyway back to 2007. I went to Singapore, fears and stuff came back. Already on the plane I was eating some candy and reading a book I bought at the airport. At the time I justified it with that I deserved it, I had worked so hard so why not relax and eat and read a little now before I get to Singapore. Btw I was travelling alone from Sweden and that is absolutely not an easy thing to do. And some people may say that is brave, and I guess it is, but I planned it six months in advance and I had no anxiety planning it, at that time I was only excited, probably to excited. I saw this as the most fun thing ever. If I could only get in shape before I left, everything was going to be great.
Well the real reason for eating on that plane had nothing to do with deserving it. I was away from the TV and from my movies and books, totally alone, couldn’t handle that. Fast forwarding a little, as soon as I got to Singapore I started smoking and eating more. I was a big cultural chock though and some of it was very fun.
Still I found it hard to contact new people and had nothing to say and was very nervous when hanging out with groups. I was scared almost all the time. I withdrew and started buying books and renting movies, watching them on my laptop and started to eat more and more. I couldn’t stop I was in a very bad loop here. Eat a lot every day for a month or two. Tried often to break out but was sucked back in. I wasted so much money and read maybe 30 big fantasy/SciFi books before I went home in December. I sat alone in my room for one, maybe two months! Without talking to anyone! It was like a prison without a lock.
I also had some fun before I got stuck in this loop but I focus on my social problems here. That has always been what I have wanted to change and going to Singapore apparently didn’t fix anything. Neither did getting that perfectly fit body. It felt great but it didn’t fix and social problems.
Sure people thought I looked great and I got much approval which felt great. Some girls here and there seemed to like my body and me but that only made it more frustrating not being able to talk to them, be able to ask them out or initiate things or say or do what I wanted. It was driving me insane. Actually when I had that body and in connection with social situations I felt even worse that a few years back because then at least I had something to work towards. Now I had everything I had dreamed of but still I couldn’t do anything!!
When I was back from Singapore I realized I had to do something so I started going out to clubs with an old friend (the work out guy) and some other guys who regularly went out to clubs to talk to girls. I had nowhere else to develop social skills. Anyway I did it only for a while then dropped out. Felt very bad about it. Got a job in Stockholm, I felt devastated not being able to get these things handled. I fell into an even bigger depression. Work through February 2008 to January 2009.All I did here was work, then eat junk food and watch movies, for a year, almost every day. I tried to start working out again but I couldn’t bring myself to it. I had gained too much weight, I couldn’t accept that I lost my fitness. I kept running away day after day without being able to face reality, the total failure of my bodily success and my social situation.
I mean, I now had the anxiety that I felt in social situations before I planned to go to the gym to work out. It grew intensely before a planned gym session and eventually I bailed out, went home.
So in January 2009 another friend of mine, Adam, and I started to work out together. At this time I had decided to pick up my studies again, which I dropped in the beginning of 2008, I just couldn’t deal with anything then. So a quit my job, started to study and work out. At this time I was weighting 110 kg, more than I ever had. Anyway together we were strong, in June I was back down to 83 kg, if there is one thing I can do when I am motivated its losing weight.
And in the end of March I started to go out again, I had lost much weight and felt confident. At this time I had been sitting home alone most of the time without being much social for over a year. So just going out to a bar freaked me out totally, I was so scared. But the worst thing is I don’t even know what I am scared of. If the fear/anxiety was tangible I could probably accept it but this **** is scary in itself.
Well things went ok, I went out more and more and wrote some about my feelings and my progress, what happens inside me in social situations. And I talked to girls and guys here and there and met some new friends.
I can say that much of what happened here was good for me but the reason that I didn’t stick with it was that the anxiety and fear didn’t disappear. Every time I was going out to meet people I felt high anxiety hours in advance and it didn’t disappear. Then as the time went on and I sometimes could talk to people (not often, when I couldn’t I just said to myself “it will get better, I will get this”) I started to think before I went out “what if I can’t talk to people tonight?” and that started to build up, then I cant ever meet new friends and I will never get any girls.
More anxiety and I started to bail out more and more until October 2009 when I dropped everything because I just couldn’t control my own body, I couldn’t control myself. Sometimes I couldn’t even go out and if I went out I couldn’t start talking to people and if I started to talk to people I didn’t know what to say past the initial conversation. So what did this lead to? Off course, I eat more and more junk food because I again started to think that I will never be able to fix this. I gained weight and so on, not much this time though.
Although I should mention that I could taste freedom during this time. One thing I did was started to say Hi to everyone I met when going out. I said like “Ok, I am going to say Hi to 20 people before I go into a bar” and then I started to build momentum and one or two times I could actually, quiet easily start to talk to people at a bar. And this time I was out by myself! So whats the problem? Yeah as I mentioned above high anxiety and fear attacks so I could hardly ever repeat this! I bailed out to most of the time.
Looking back at these two latest attempts I think I didn’t change my self talk or my beliefs in any ways. I just kept hitting my head against a wall, while doing some things right. Since then I have bought a book about social phobia (six months ago) and from having read that I can see that for one thing I didn’t get into my head to change my negative automatic thoughts neither did I stop using safety behaviors (behaviors we use to avoid the thing we really fear the most. One could be asking questions in social situations t avoid focus on oneself.) nor did I stay in the social situations long enough for my anxiety to sink.
By writing this I have actually realized some things. It feels strange to see that I have done the same thing over and over for a long time. Plus I see that over the years at least I am getting somewhere. At least I realize more and more what I need to do. But now I have been inactive socially for six months again. Seems like I need time after what I see as a big failure to try again.
That’s why I am writing this actually. I feel I have to try again. This time with the help of my social phobia book, starting by looking inwards and taking the long route by starting small and not jumping steps ahead. I still have this big problem with not being able to start things because I feel anxiety in advance. Like I have a new part time job now and I should have worked today, but it’s not set in stone so I didn’t really have to. And what happened? I felt so high anxiety this morning so I said “Nah, not today, I’ll go tomorrow” and I stayed home.
It’s like a thought comes into my mind that says “maybe I can stay home?” after that I get a pleasurable feeling in association with staying home and when I think I should go to work, a feeling of high fear. Like someone is forcing me at gunpoint to go to work.
To mention the overeating, I still have a problem with that and have been eating much the last six months (steady weight at around 90 now). It’s gotten to the point that I feel that forcing myself to not eat and working out with a focus of losing weight isn’t the solution. Maybe that’s obvious reading this, but I still feel a big “want”, a need within me to get that perfect body but together with that feeling is a strong doubt.
I have also started to get thoughts about killing myself the last couple of years. It’s not something I even consider acting on, but I have noticed that they come more often than before. Sometimes I think that is the only way out. It has started to feel like it’s all over.
The only way out as I see it is to try fixing my social problems again, though I have a hard time starting. It’s not like I am very motivated right now, I am more on the brink of total hopelessness but I have to have my hope in something, I can’t give up.
I don’t know if anyone has read this far but I sometimes think I may have ADHD to some degree. My mind always strays away into different subjects. I don’t know how coherent this text is. I have just written what I felt was important throughout my life.
Now I am thinking of not posting this. Maybe it’s totally incoherent. My thoughts are all over the place. One moment I am hopeful, the next I am highly insecure… Well here goes.
I am wondering if anyone here have gotten over they're social anxiety? How bad was it before and how are things now?
This is a long text, I just started to write about my situation and, well it took some space. Basically the text below is my life, it can be interesting to read. The reason I wrote this is that I feel I have to do something about my social anxiety but I don’t really know if “I CAN” do anything at all anymore. I believe in some of the methods that exist (cbt) and I believe it can be done, I just don’t really believe that “I CAN” do it, mostly because I have tried many times and not succeeded. So it would be greatly helpful to hear about people that have successfully done something about theirs.
(By the way, this text is not that well written just my immediate thoughts on my life, please have that in mind if you read it)
I have been staying away from social situations for a long time, I never really liked being social when I was 12 and up till 18 years old. I only went to birthday parties and family gatherings because of my mom. I never had anything to say and I let everyone else talk and basically only talked when asked questions. I had friends that were into the same stuff as I, video games, movies, books and such and I could talk to them at least.
At 20, I continued to feel the same way and around this time I also started to feel that this isn’t so normal. I had been overweight for most of my life and I found a friend who was into weight lifting and exercise and he was very into picking up girls. Let’s say he talked a lot about women contrasted with some of my other friends and me that never thought about them AT ALL.
So I started to believe that maybe I could get in shape, look good and that way get girls. So I started working out, did it more intensely over the years, I was around 20 when I started. Anyway it was very slow going, not because it can’t be done relatively fast (1 year or 2) but because I couldn't stop eating. Certain situations, social and others where I felt anxiety would propel me into an eating session, I recently read a book called binge eating disorder and I think I have that to a certain degree.
Anyway the guy that introduced me to working out also introduced me in some ways, together with some other guys, to alcohol. I liked these guys but at the time I think they were pretty negative, at least some of them, with a high degree of dislike for people in general, people that looked a certain way or did stupid things etc. Especially one of the guys had very strong hateful opinions. I still know him and he is still that way (not the guy that introduced me to working out). But at the time I liked them because they respected me, I was very smart and good at math and physics so I helped them a lot in that area.
Well the alcohol led us going out to clubs hoping that I could get girls while drinking, I was very drunk when out, pretty much like most other people. And it was fun to some degree, when I drink I become a totally different person, it’s a big shift. I become very social, I talk without inhibitions, without caring what anyone thinks of me. I also went quiet crazy much of the time, did crazy stuff and people liked me for it. It was like I was an entertainer. Not everyone liked me but the guys I mentioned above did (hmm could that be because of some connection through negativity? I think we were drawn togheter..) and others, here and there.
Around 25 I started to realize that this gets me nowhere, the only focus in my life then (part from my electrical engineering studies) was to get in shape, get a fit masterful body. It was a dream that had grown huge at this point. It was success or die for me. I was still dependent on junk food, I couldn’t control it when the feeling that I needed/wanted to eat hit, I basically had to do it, but I wouldn't give up.
This all intensified after I broke up with a girlfriend in the beginning of 2005. That crushed me totally. It felt as if I was going to die. How was I to survive alone? (We were together for 1.5 years, and it was a downward spiral all the way, so many of my social inner issues came up. I started to smoke and eat a lot more as a result, and dropped my work out.) After the break up I knew I had to get that masterful body so I could get a new girlfriend, so that i could meet girls in general and get over all my problems. I didn't see them as social problems then really. I just had issues all over and the solution was to get that great body, I believed it so hard.
Well I did a great job of it. Lost alot of weight. Was at 105 kg in February 2005 and went up and down for a two years and was fully transformed in the summer of 2007 at 71 kg. It was an unbelievable change. I was going to study in Singapore this summer that’s why I did this so hard at this point. I thought that if I looked great when there I could have all kinds of fun.
Still I had done nothing about my social problems. I said I was going to deal with that after I got into shape. I have not mentioned one thing here. Around the end of 2005 a friend of mine got a hold of the book "the GAME" which I later read and that book spiraled me into tons of material about how to pick up girls, AND more importantly to me, how to transform oneself from a shy guy to a more social guy. And I got stuck in this material as I continued to work out to get that body. I did some things but nothing consistently.
I listened to self help tapes for hundreds of hours as I did morning power walks for one to three hours a time. I watched DVD program after program. I ordered many books that I read. I was stuck in a fantasy world of possible transformation and all I did was working out. I just couldn't get over my anxiety. I tried to start going out to clubs without drinking alcohol but I just couldn't bring myself to start talking to girls. And its not like I am a very social guy here outside of that. I don’t talk to people in school much at all, I have only these friends that I go out with and we only see each other once or twice every week, when it’s "going out time". The other time of the week I work out and sit at home.
This was a normal week for me. Work out hard Monday to Friday (and studying) then Friday night, time to go out. "Yes maybe i'll find a girl tonight!" Very positive, I really believed. Anyway I went out and the anxiety hit me. I get more and more in my head, more paralyzed with fear until I had to go home with very strong negative feelings and negative self talk. Then the day after (and probably the same night) I would eat a lot of junk food and watch movies, escaping the truth about what had happened. I couldn’t accept that I had no control over my own body. I wanted to talk to people. I wanted to be social but I couldn’t! It was driving me crazy, the only way out was to escape into food and movies.
And when I was in conversations with people (especially girls) either at a party or out I was still very nervous and couldn’t come up with anything to say, just as when I was younger. I just didn’t want to say the wrong thing or upset or hurt anyone.
The thing is, I had read about many ways to deal with anxieties and fears and tried it so some extent but if I am really honest I didn’t try much and absolutely not long enough for it to work. Instead I was focused on “glamorous” things like cool pickup lines and more information on how to change, crazy.
Anyway back to 2007. I went to Singapore, fears and stuff came back. Already on the plane I was eating some candy and reading a book I bought at the airport. At the time I justified it with that I deserved it, I had worked so hard so why not relax and eat and read a little now before I get to Singapore. Btw I was travelling alone from Sweden and that is absolutely not an easy thing to do. And some people may say that is brave, and I guess it is, but I planned it six months in advance and I had no anxiety planning it, at that time I was only excited, probably to excited. I saw this as the most fun thing ever. If I could only get in shape before I left, everything was going to be great.
Well the real reason for eating on that plane had nothing to do with deserving it. I was away from the TV and from my movies and books, totally alone, couldn’t handle that. Fast forwarding a little, as soon as I got to Singapore I started smoking and eating more. I was a big cultural chock though and some of it was very fun.
Still I found it hard to contact new people and had nothing to say and was very nervous when hanging out with groups. I was scared almost all the time. I withdrew and started buying books and renting movies, watching them on my laptop and started to eat more and more. I couldn’t stop I was in a very bad loop here. Eat a lot every day for a month or two. Tried often to break out but was sucked back in. I wasted so much money and read maybe 30 big fantasy/SciFi books before I went home in December. I sat alone in my room for one, maybe two months! Without talking to anyone! It was like a prison without a lock.
I also had some fun before I got stuck in this loop but I focus on my social problems here. That has always been what I have wanted to change and going to Singapore apparently didn’t fix anything. Neither did getting that perfectly fit body. It felt great but it didn’t fix and social problems.
Sure people thought I looked great and I got much approval which felt great. Some girls here and there seemed to like my body and me but that only made it more frustrating not being able to talk to them, be able to ask them out or initiate things or say or do what I wanted. It was driving me insane. Actually when I had that body and in connection with social situations I felt even worse that a few years back because then at least I had something to work towards. Now I had everything I had dreamed of but still I couldn’t do anything!!
When I was back from Singapore I realized I had to do something so I started going out to clubs with an old friend (the work out guy) and some other guys who regularly went out to clubs to talk to girls. I had nowhere else to develop social skills. Anyway I did it only for a while then dropped out. Felt very bad about it. Got a job in Stockholm, I felt devastated not being able to get these things handled. I fell into an even bigger depression. Work through February 2008 to January 2009.All I did here was work, then eat junk food and watch movies, for a year, almost every day. I tried to start working out again but I couldn’t bring myself to it. I had gained too much weight, I couldn’t accept that I lost my fitness. I kept running away day after day without being able to face reality, the total failure of my bodily success and my social situation.
I mean, I now had the anxiety that I felt in social situations before I planned to go to the gym to work out. It grew intensely before a planned gym session and eventually I bailed out, went home.
So in January 2009 another friend of mine, Adam, and I started to work out together. At this time I had decided to pick up my studies again, which I dropped in the beginning of 2008, I just couldn’t deal with anything then. So a quit my job, started to study and work out. At this time I was weighting 110 kg, more than I ever had. Anyway together we were strong, in June I was back down to 83 kg, if there is one thing I can do when I am motivated its losing weight.
And in the end of March I started to go out again, I had lost much weight and felt confident. At this time I had been sitting home alone most of the time without being much social for over a year. So just going out to a bar freaked me out totally, I was so scared. But the worst thing is I don’t even know what I am scared of. If the fear/anxiety was tangible I could probably accept it but this **** is scary in itself.
Well things went ok, I went out more and more and wrote some about my feelings and my progress, what happens inside me in social situations. And I talked to girls and guys here and there and met some new friends.
I can say that much of what happened here was good for me but the reason that I didn’t stick with it was that the anxiety and fear didn’t disappear. Every time I was going out to meet people I felt high anxiety hours in advance and it didn’t disappear. Then as the time went on and I sometimes could talk to people (not often, when I couldn’t I just said to myself “it will get better, I will get this”) I started to think before I went out “what if I can’t talk to people tonight?” and that started to build up, then I cant ever meet new friends and I will never get any girls.
More anxiety and I started to bail out more and more until October 2009 when I dropped everything because I just couldn’t control my own body, I couldn’t control myself. Sometimes I couldn’t even go out and if I went out I couldn’t start talking to people and if I started to talk to people I didn’t know what to say past the initial conversation. So what did this lead to? Off course, I eat more and more junk food because I again started to think that I will never be able to fix this. I gained weight and so on, not much this time though.
Although I should mention that I could taste freedom during this time. One thing I did was started to say Hi to everyone I met when going out. I said like “Ok, I am going to say Hi to 20 people before I go into a bar” and then I started to build momentum and one or two times I could actually, quiet easily start to talk to people at a bar. And this time I was out by myself! So whats the problem? Yeah as I mentioned above high anxiety and fear attacks so I could hardly ever repeat this! I bailed out to most of the time.
Looking back at these two latest attempts I think I didn’t change my self talk or my beliefs in any ways. I just kept hitting my head against a wall, while doing some things right. Since then I have bought a book about social phobia (six months ago) and from having read that I can see that for one thing I didn’t get into my head to change my negative automatic thoughts neither did I stop using safety behaviors (behaviors we use to avoid the thing we really fear the most. One could be asking questions in social situations t avoid focus on oneself.) nor did I stay in the social situations long enough for my anxiety to sink.
By writing this I have actually realized some things. It feels strange to see that I have done the same thing over and over for a long time. Plus I see that over the years at least I am getting somewhere. At least I realize more and more what I need to do. But now I have been inactive socially for six months again. Seems like I need time after what I see as a big failure to try again.
That’s why I am writing this actually. I feel I have to try again. This time with the help of my social phobia book, starting by looking inwards and taking the long route by starting small and not jumping steps ahead. I still have this big problem with not being able to start things because I feel anxiety in advance. Like I have a new part time job now and I should have worked today, but it’s not set in stone so I didn’t really have to. And what happened? I felt so high anxiety this morning so I said “Nah, not today, I’ll go tomorrow” and I stayed home.
It’s like a thought comes into my mind that says “maybe I can stay home?” after that I get a pleasurable feeling in association with staying home and when I think I should go to work, a feeling of high fear. Like someone is forcing me at gunpoint to go to work.
To mention the overeating, I still have a problem with that and have been eating much the last six months (steady weight at around 90 now). It’s gotten to the point that I feel that forcing myself to not eat and working out with a focus of losing weight isn’t the solution. Maybe that’s obvious reading this, but I still feel a big “want”, a need within me to get that perfect body but together with that feeling is a strong doubt.
I have also started to get thoughts about killing myself the last couple of years. It’s not something I even consider acting on, but I have noticed that they come more often than before. Sometimes I think that is the only way out. It has started to feel like it’s all over.
The only way out as I see it is to try fixing my social problems again, though I have a hard time starting. It’s not like I am very motivated right now, I am more on the brink of total hopelessness but I have to have my hope in something, I can’t give up.
I don’t know if anyone has read this far but I sometimes think I may have ADHD to some degree. My mind always strays away into different subjects. I don’t know how coherent this text is. I have just written what I felt was important throughout my life.
Now I am thinking of not posting this. Maybe it’s totally incoherent. My thoughts are all over the place. One moment I am hopeful, the next I am highly insecure… Well here goes.
