Cause of my social anxiety and anger

raylite

Well-known member
There is this anger that I couldn’t figure out why I have it everyday, so I sat down, relaxed and really tried to find out the source of my anger and here is what I came up with. I just typed it as my feelings and thoughts arose, there is a lot of hate and profanity in it.

Because I always wanted to be #1, because my life was a lot happier before I moved to United States. Because my personality was fun and outgoing before I moved here. Because I did not try to look good or try to feel happy, I just WAS happy all of the time, I enjoyed having the company of other people, I enjoyed socializing with people and making new friends. I fell in love with a girl for the first time and was feeling amazing, even though we haven’t gotten together yet. I felt this sense of adventure, excitement and ecstasy. Just being around her was all I wanted to do, she made me feel complete, I was on top of the world, and then I had to fucking move to USA in the middle of all of this. I never searched for the meaning of life before coming here, because I was happy, everyday was new for me, I enjoyed my life, but it all ended when I came HERE to USA. I cried a lot for the first few months, I missed all of my friends, my girl that I still loved and all the good times in Russia. Eventually as years went by, I tried forgetting the life that I had in Russia and tried to get used to my new life here which was fucking BORING, I had to learn English from scratch, and it took me a while before I could express what I was thinking in a decent way, hell I still can’t express myself the way I want to in English, Russian is still my NATIVE language that I feel most comfortable talking in. I never adapted to the new people and environment in America, and I longed to go back to Russia for a long time, until I saved up enough money and went back after five years, but everything was already different after I went back and I was already a changed person. THIS IS WHAT’S PISSING ME OFF. My happy childhood was abruptly taken away from me by my father who promised I would go back to Russia in one year, HE FUCKING LIED TO ME, IT NEVER HAPPENED. He will never know the shit that I had to go through all these years living with his fucked in the head parents and his psychotic sister, my aunt. AND WHAT’S PISSING ME OFF THE MOST IS THAT HE FUCKING KNEW how fucked up they are, because he himself had to move out of their HUGE house with my mom at an early age, to a very small two bedroom apartment, where seven of us lived – my parents, my grandparents (mother’s parents), my uncle, my bro and I. HE FUCKING KNEW ABOUT THOSE SZHISOPHRENICS, he told me about how fucked up they are himself and I witnessed their fights even when coming to their house for a few days when I lived in Russia. YET HE SENT MY BRO AND I TO LIVE WITH THEM for two fucking years. And not only was it to live with them, it meant staying with them ALL THE TIME in a FOREIGN COUNTRY where everybody spoke a language I couldn’t understand. So here I was, outgoing kid, who had fun with his friends everyday, who was happy living in Russia, who enjoyed conversing and socializing with everybody, who had very high self esteem and who just fell in love, and now he was stuck in Atlanta, Georgia, living on the outskirts of the city with his psycho-schizophrenic grandparents and a psycho aunt that wouldn’t keep her mouth shut about how bad I behaved and that I should have never came, god she fucking made sure she gave me the hardest time of my life. I left all my friends behind by moving here, I was living with grandparents and aunt that hated me and never let me do anything fun, I couldn’t go or hide anywhere, I had to live in their fucking place and I was scared to stand up for myself. This whole change affected my personality a lot, over years of verbal and mental abuse, over years of thinking about my good times in Russia and how happy I was living there, eventually my personality started changing in a real bad way. I became shy and introverted. Over time I developed what is called social anxiety and was starting to think everyone around me is judging and criticizing me, I became anxious and could barely talk to people. I STILL SUFFER FROM SOCIAL ANXIETY TODAY and now I’m a fucking introvert who has no life, no self-esteem, who is depressed, suicidal, and who is trying to figure out the meaning of life every day. I now feel very anxious in social situations or crowded places, and I have to drink to be confident in the clubs and other social places. And what is torturing me the most is the fact that I know I was happy when I lived in Russia and now I can never be like that again. My childhood and my happiness was taken away from me and I can’t do anything about it, I know I can never become as happy as I was before I moved to USA and my whole personality is now changed. I’m a loser and an outsider and I have social anxiety. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR A BETTER LIFE IN AMERICA, THE COUNTRY OF DREAMS AND OPPORTUNITIES. I just want to SHIT and SPIT on your opportunities, money, hopes, and dreams I WANT MY HAPPINESS BACK, but I know I can’t have it. THIS IS THE REASON I GET PISSED OFF ON A DAILY BASIS, NOW I KNOW 
 

lettypagb

Well-known member
i got 80% what you wrote, i am in the same boat ... i had to move here in 2005 ... and well ,all i can say is how much i would be happy and normal if i didnt had to move here ,but thanks for your story it made me feel good ,lol.. haoshohaod
 
I'm Bosnia, but I lived in America at age two till age ten.. then my parents ripped me out of my environment moving back to bosnia...
 
Yep, my folks moved around when I was a kid so I had to re-adjust myself 3 times
to different countries.
I also think that my SA is related to that. I think I forgive my parents. I will
try to learn from it and if I ever had kids of my own someday to not make the same
mistakes.
 
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