Can't solve this problem (long)

[rvx290]

EDIT::::This is kind of funny, because I started this post as a totally different subject, and as I was spilling my thoughts onto the keyboard, this pretty much turned into a big ramble about my life problems, I dont know if it can even get any replies, but maybe there are some of you in the same situation as I am & something might come of it. Maybe somebody has tips for me as well, either way, if your bored.... heres basically my life story....


One thing I do not know about myself & question often is if I have more than one problem, or if my social phobia is the root of my problems. Ill try to explain. Growing up, raised by strict, critical, hard working, old school parents, the youngest of a large family, I had alot of trouble in school, I had no interest to learn, was quite immature & focused more on wasting my time scribbling pictures in school or trying to be a class clown. In my early years (before my shyness developed) . My report card usually said basically the same thing, having trouble focusing on my work, wont apply myself & basically doing a half assed job on things that I enjoyed or was good at. (such as art english class.) Around grade 4 I had a teacher that I HATED (now respect immensely) because she was constantly on my ass, keeping me in during lunch to finish homework I didnt complete, or assignments I'd left undone, because I thought goofing off with my few friends was more important. Around this time was when my parents were getting quite concerned with my learning problem as my grade 4 teacher cared so much for me & wanted to help me, but knew I wouldnt take my school work seriously, it also didnt help getting humiliated & degraded by a teacher in front of the class sitting on her knee telling the whole class that this is boy a loser, a person who will never get anywhere in life because he doesnt care, (crying in front of my buddies & even girls that didnt like me, was the most embarrassing moment of my life its a harsh memory but I havent spent my whole life focused on it, its just that people Ive told about it cant beleive a teacher would do that to a kid)....maybe this is part of my problem, but basically what I am saying is all through school, I never tried that hard, but when I did try as hard as I could, I had problems catching on, because I was left alot further behind than my classmates, as school went on, my shyness got worse too, I was embarassed because I felt stupid. I never joined sports teams because, first of all, I sucked at all of them & would always get picked last because of it, therefore less socialising, & being I was a farm kid from a small town, everyone was into sports exept for the "nerds" hell, even them guys were better at hockey than me, & nobody ever understood why, because I am a pretty athletic built person. ....I want to apoligise for this ramble... as I type I seem to be understanding my own problems, slightly.... Highschool was hell for me, I wasted my time in school when I was younger, so my learning techniques were terrible, therefore I was taking general math, struggling with science, a poor athelete, & I was a nice kid from a relatively poor family so I think teachers pity'd me and cut back on the work I was required to do (making other kids angry with me) but for some reason decent @ English/language arts. Grade 10, I failed miserably, I was starting to grow up a little, but it was a small town, all the teachers knew what was coming & most of them didnt want to waste their time with the kid who... basically wasted their time, I had to do most of my grade 10 classes over again...that year was basically the same, but now that I was a little older, the people that werent laughing at me for taking grade 10 twice, gave me attention. For once I was,"fitting in" I would sneak off and smoke with these guys, sneak off to parties with them & therefore my school year was wasted again failed a couple classes, got C minuses in the subjects I was good at, like Industrial Arts. Finally part way thru that year my parents decided with the principal that I was wasting everyones time and money & pulled me out of school, sent me on my own to the city to find a job, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, as the first job I got was at a welding shop & my self esteem was boosted by a mile. These guys didnt know my past like everyone in the small town, I was just some (shy) kid doing labour work & we got along great & they respected my hard work ethic (probably developed from being raised on the farm)... I started to enjoy life,.... but still after various jobs, cities & broken relationships, my shyness still holds me back, I dont have as many friends as Id like, or think that I could have, & I find it hard to accel in my jobs because I get nervous, make mistakes & forget processes, what I dont know is if I make these errors because my shyness makes me afraid of failing therefore that is all I can focus on & not the task at hand... therefore screw up a job I was told to do? Or...do maybe I have social anxiety ..and maybe A.D.D or something, which seems like it would be a bad combination. My main problem is keeping or starting a basic conversation, I never know what to say, I can do the regular weather & crap like that, but in all honestly hardly EVER had an in depth coversation that lasted, I have a mental block, am too nervous & cant keep a train of thought. To be honest most of my "in depth" conversations have been when I drink booze (which I never want to end up using as a permanant crutch.) I now have found the perfect girl who loves me for me & doesnt focus on my shyness, actually finds it sweet & caring, well she is the only person in the world I can be totally open with, she knows everything about me, but even sometimes I am still a little shy around her, cant think of a decent conversation to talk about, but the nice thing is that she can appreciate our silence together, maybe she knows what I am thinking & its usually about how much I love her, when we drink we sit and talk for hours, It is special, but I also wish I could have a relaxed normal conversation like this with everyone & be sober. Thats always been my goal, because if I could be half that comfortable with everyone, I think I would have alot more friends & wouldnt have this problem. I do have a few good friends, but to all of them... I am known as the nice shy guy & to be honest I am the quietest person I know, The strange thing about it that makes me think there is another problem is like what I am doing right now, writing emails, messaging or posting on forums, I can spill my guts, if this was person to person, or over the phone, you probably wouldnt have gotten 2 words out of me (well you know what I mean.) I hope there is someone out there who might know what my issue is, or hope that in some way this post can help someone, although I got to admit it is a relatively selfish post that has me me me me me me written all over it. lol. ....rereading this I might have sounded a little negative, I dont want anyone to think this is a post about me feeling sorry for myself, I know my qualities and am proud of them, I am told I am a genuine person, honest & seem to have the ability to give good advice (if it is someone I am comfortable enough to talk to.) Kind of ironic seeing as I seem to know what my own problem is, but still dont know how to solve it. :lol:

 

[hans1]

too long didn't read

 

[Ddarko]

rvx290,

In some ways it actually sounds like you are doing pretty well if you indeed have SA/SP. You’ve got a decent job (presumably) and a satisfying relationship, and those two count for a lot. Given your troubles in school, it wouldn’t be beyond possibility that you had or have ADD or something of that sort, though that’s not something I or anyone here can likely determine. For people who are very shy or have anxiety problems there is often the phenomenon of “mental block” because the brain is so overcome with anxiety and trying to process the incoming fear or nervousness that there is little room or energy left to devote to processing thoughts which would be relevant to the conversation. As for having in-depth conversations, sometimes that can be hard in casual circumstances. I find such conversations easier if you talk about something in which you are genuinely interested. It can be almost anything. Sometimes I am afraid to bring up a topic of conversation at random because I have a fear that I won’t know how to carry the conversation once that topic is in full swing. I study philosophy at university, so the other day (for instance) I was talking to this guy (about mostly superficial things) and decided to take a chance and randomly bring up one of the thinkers I’ve been studying in my class. So I said, “Have you heard of such and such.” He had heard of the guy but didn’t know anything about him. So I said something like “I’m taking a class about this guy and he had some interesting ideas about such and such.” And then all of the sudden the person I’m talking to actually gets fairly interested in the subject, starts asking me questions and everything. Sometimes a conversation can feel stale if all you’re discussing is the weather or what you’ve done last week or what you’re going to do tomorrow. So interjecting a completely random thought can spice it up a bit. A good way to start it off is to say something like, “Do you know anything about ________?” or “Do you like to ________?” or “Have you ever gone to _______?” or things like that. This works best in a laid-back situation, like when you are having lunch with someone and there is time to bring up a topic without either person feeling like they have to rush off. After asking about the person's day and all that stuff, there is usually a silent period where each person is wondering what to converse about next, and that's when you can just interject something randomly thoughtful. Just act like you are curious about their thoughts and opinions and give them the impression you genuinely want to know what they think (chances are you do)... usually they are flattered that you will bring something up at all. Most of the time, I’ve found that I don’t even have to really know anything about what I’m talking about. I don’t know squat about abstract expressionism, but I might ask someone out of the blue, “Have you ever been to the Modern Art Museum in the city?” They might say, “no.” But then I’d say, “Oh, neither have I... but it sounds like it would be interesting.” You can just leave it at that or maybe they will respond with something else and a conversation will develop. It doesn't mean you are asking them to go with you or on a date or something... it's just a way of talking about something out of the ordinary. It sounds very random, but it does work pretty well much of the time, and it usually works best for me when I’m in a one-on-one situation with the other person (versus in a group with other people). You just have to go with your instincts and not be afraid to reveal to the person some of your own interests or personality. Sometimes I think my personality is too weird to reveal to other people, like if they find out who I am they will not like me. But in reality I find that the more you reveal about yourself and your interests, the more people are able to relax around you.

There is some evidence that people with SA/SP have a single (or a few) predominant past experience where they were extremely embarrassed. This experience might stay in their memory for the rest of their lives and influence the way they think about themselves.

As far as alcohol goes, yes it does help immensely if you want to cut loose every once and a while. I’ve been told by some of my close friends that when I have a few beers (one or two), I actually become quite sociable. I get into deep discussions with people, I pose questions, I ask them about their lives and such... sometimes I’ve even become impassioned and got into debates with people I don’t know all that well (all in good fun of course). But then when I’m sober I’m sometimes so shy that I don’t really talk (especially around people I don’t know or in larger groups). Larger groups especially intimidate me, so I try to stick to small gatherings with people I know at least somewhat well. I think it’s okay to drink sociably, but I draw the line at drinking by myself or drinking in order to prepare for an event. There are exceptions... if my friends are doing it then I’ll usually do it, not out of peer pressure but because it’s a good way to gauge yourself against people who are not shy.

 

[cLavain]

For the love of Aphrodite, use paragraphs!

 

[Shonen_Yo]

I read it all. It sort of reminds me of me, I use to be known as being not very bright than afterwards, in highschool, I started doing very well academically. So, I wouldn't classify yourself as stupid.