Before anything else, I'm not a native English speaker. I'm pretty advanced when compared to most people in my country (Finland), but I'm not used to talking or writing in English as I am in Finnish, so please bear that in mind if you don't understand what I'm saying. Also, sorry for not making a proper introduction, if such even exists here. I just want to get straight to the point. I only wish to get this thing off my chest and maybe receive some advice regarding my situation.
I'm a 19 year old boy, still in lukio (like high school, basically) and will be until and if I finish my matriculation exams this autumn. I've always been rather introverted, partly because I'm quite shy and clumsy at social situations (although I've improved ever since I started high school), so I'm more comfortable around fewer people and like to spend more time with myself. I sometimes enjoy books, drawing, movies and video games more than social interaction. Sadly, it's also because I've grown to be fearful and distrustful of others due to my experiences. I entered a "tenth class", an additional studying group that focuses on improving school grades. I couldn't complete school normally due to depression and problems at home (an alcoholic mother and an angry, strict stepfather, who is gone now). It felt promising enough, since the class was to be taken on a remotely located school with it's own dorms and stuff (they're quite uncommon here in Finland). I was excited since I could be able to live a bit more independently, eat great food and maybe make a few friends.
Thing is, these additional classes usually attract the kind of people that drove you away from traditional education in the first place. Low-life thugs and wannabe gangsters, potheads, teeny boppers and other people who were too cool for school. Because I've always been the slow one, with the doe-eyed smile and friendly yet quiet demeanor, I'm usually the easiest target for ridicule. It got painfully obvious once I got my room mate, this wannabe white trash dork who thought of himself as the alpha male and bragged how he pilfered thousands of euros from his completely oblivious parents. I don't like to make rigid assumptions about people based on superficial attributes, but if I had done that at the time I might have saved myself years worth of useless headache and self-pity.
Here is where my dreadful experience really begins. While I was sleeping, this new "friend" of mine thought it amusing to tape video of me with his cell phone and show it to his friends. I'm not exactly sure how much he taped me and what parts of my private areas he explored in his attempt to demean me and validate his manly ego. I'm a fat boy, so it probably was enough to show my stomach bulking from under my rolled up t-shirt, but you never know. I tried to make him stop, but being the bigger guy he simply had to threaten me and I wouldn't say protest. And I didn't. I didn't tell ANYONE. My tutors, who had assured me that I could go talk to them in ANY situation whatsoever, never heard a thing from me. I feel like an idiot, a lost cause, the human doormat.
So I've kept silent up until now, thinking that it wasn't a big deal and that it would blow over in time. I've been taught to be too kind to others and it doesn't help being overtly shy and sensitive either. I simply requested a single room for myself and started avoiding the jackass in question, though it wasn't easy since he and his friends would still torture me every chance they got. They most likely badmouthed me to anyone who would think of me as a victim, because some of the people that were previously more friendly towards me suddenly turned more hostile, mean or otherwise distant. This network of bullies continued to put down everyone else excluded from their little gang, like me and a few of my friends (we were the friendly nerd/slacker group at the school and thus an easy target). It wasn't completely systematic though, especially after their "leaders" got expelled, the first being my bully and the second an even more disgusting violent loser who bossed others around for his own convenience and amusement. They were basically the worst, but they also controlled all the girls that would fall for their bad boy "charm", who in turn could easily manipulate some troglodyte to come yell at us about something we didn't do.
So, I could mingle with some of my buddies whenever I felt uneasy, which did bring about a certain amount of comfort, but in the end I was just escaping the real issue. The issue being that deep down I felt my pride had been hurt and my rights had been violated, and yet I was taking it all without objections. I've thought of a lawsuit, but I'm not sure if the video in question even exists anymore, and I'm afraid it might seem stupid and unbelievable to the authorities after all this time (over three years ago). If I wanted to do it though, I could get help from school and perhaps some friends for testimony. I'd rather just get on with my life, but I obviously can't even think of the future with the ghosts of the past haunting the present.
I'm a 19 year old boy, still in lukio (like high school, basically) and will be until and if I finish my matriculation exams this autumn. I've always been rather introverted, partly because I'm quite shy and clumsy at social situations (although I've improved ever since I started high school), so I'm more comfortable around fewer people and like to spend more time with myself. I sometimes enjoy books, drawing, movies and video games more than social interaction. Sadly, it's also because I've grown to be fearful and distrustful of others due to my experiences. I entered a "tenth class", an additional studying group that focuses on improving school grades. I couldn't complete school normally due to depression and problems at home (an alcoholic mother and an angry, strict stepfather, who is gone now). It felt promising enough, since the class was to be taken on a remotely located school with it's own dorms and stuff (they're quite uncommon here in Finland). I was excited since I could be able to live a bit more independently, eat great food and maybe make a few friends.
Thing is, these additional classes usually attract the kind of people that drove you away from traditional education in the first place. Low-life thugs and wannabe gangsters, potheads, teeny boppers and other people who were too cool for school. Because I've always been the slow one, with the doe-eyed smile and friendly yet quiet demeanor, I'm usually the easiest target for ridicule. It got painfully obvious once I got my room mate, this wannabe white trash dork who thought of himself as the alpha male and bragged how he pilfered thousands of euros from his completely oblivious parents. I don't like to make rigid assumptions about people based on superficial attributes, but if I had done that at the time I might have saved myself years worth of useless headache and self-pity.
Here is where my dreadful experience really begins. While I was sleeping, this new "friend" of mine thought it amusing to tape video of me with his cell phone and show it to his friends. I'm not exactly sure how much he taped me and what parts of my private areas he explored in his attempt to demean me and validate his manly ego. I'm a fat boy, so it probably was enough to show my stomach bulking from under my rolled up t-shirt, but you never know. I tried to make him stop, but being the bigger guy he simply had to threaten me and I wouldn't say protest. And I didn't. I didn't tell ANYONE. My tutors, who had assured me that I could go talk to them in ANY situation whatsoever, never heard a thing from me. I feel like an idiot, a lost cause, the human doormat.
So I've kept silent up until now, thinking that it wasn't a big deal and that it would blow over in time. I've been taught to be too kind to others and it doesn't help being overtly shy and sensitive either. I simply requested a single room for myself and started avoiding the jackass in question, though it wasn't easy since he and his friends would still torture me every chance they got. They most likely badmouthed me to anyone who would think of me as a victim, because some of the people that were previously more friendly towards me suddenly turned more hostile, mean or otherwise distant. This network of bullies continued to put down everyone else excluded from their little gang, like me and a few of my friends (we were the friendly nerd/slacker group at the school and thus an easy target). It wasn't completely systematic though, especially after their "leaders" got expelled, the first being my bully and the second an even more disgusting violent loser who bossed others around for his own convenience and amusement. They were basically the worst, but they also controlled all the girls that would fall for their bad boy "charm", who in turn could easily manipulate some troglodyte to come yell at us about something we didn't do.
So, I could mingle with some of my buddies whenever I felt uneasy, which did bring about a certain amount of comfort, but in the end I was just escaping the real issue. The issue being that deep down I felt my pride had been hurt and my rights had been violated, and yet I was taking it all without objections. I've thought of a lawsuit, but I'm not sure if the video in question even exists anymore, and I'm afraid it might seem stupid and unbelievable to the authorities after all this time (over three years ago). If I wanted to do it though, I could get help from school and perhaps some friends for testimony. I'd rather just get on with my life, but I obviously can't even think of the future with the ghosts of the past haunting the present.
Last edited:
All your thoughts and your history was presented clearly as well. I hope you feel better getting it out here to us.