Breaking Point

[ocdjoe2007]

Hello,
Before you read why i am here, I want you to know that I am not a whiner, nor is this a phase for me. I have felt this way my whole life. I have come to a breaking point, and soon I will do something that will not be good.

I am a 19 year old guy that has lived in 4 countries. I left my homeland because of war and now I live in the US. I go to the gym and I look good, yet I am still a virgin. Girls look at me when I pass, yet I am still A FUCKING VIRGIN. I have so many problems with anxiety, ocd, and depression that I have absolutely no friends. I have suffered with anxiety for my whole life, throughout school, throughout my teens being alone, always alone. I do not even trust my own mother. I do not talk to my father because he is a cynical jerk who humiliates me every chance he gets. Every person I have ever known has either distanced himself from me or hurt me.

I have always felt that I don't belong. I have tried with so many different people, and I have never been able to form real bonds. I have went out with people, and I have went to parties, and I have kissed and had girlfriends which did not last for more than 2 weeks, yet my heart still longs to love someone with passion.

I have started to believe my mind is beyond repair. I have been prescribed prozac, which I have been taking now for 2 weeks, and tonight I feel utter misery. So depressed, oh god so depressed. As usual I am on the computer, where ive spent so many years, because I had no other place to spend my time, on account of having no friends.

I just wish I had a good friend that I could trust. Deep down I am a good person, but with the years taking their toll, I have become so so angry, and it hurts. I see people talking about having friends and what they are doing and it makes me want to just slit my throat. I am becoming violent, I want to beat up people, and I dont know for how long this will just stay fantasy.

Now I can not even cry, the prozac numbs it, yet my eyes still tear up, and I look at myself in the mirror and want to punch the shit out of it. Man oh man, i really dont know, people saying there is a god. If there is, he certainly has made this life fucking hell for me

This last girl that I was with was beautiful. She was a total bitch. See I am even reluctant to type that she was beautiful because she dont fucking deserve it. She just criticized me without knowledge of my issues, and always wanted everything her way. Honestly I dont believe I even really liked her, but I just was so happy that I was with someone that I fought so hard not to be alone again. I did so much for her and I tried so hard to make it work, bought her so many fucking flowers, and she still pushed me away.

I am so fucked up its beyond belief. There is not one person I know that I get along with. I have always been sensitive about what people say, and I have always obsessed over bullshit in my life. I have always had a hard time letting things go, and I think thats part of the OCD.

I went to a therapist for a while, who listened to my life story. He thinks Im a fucking genius, and just compliments me. The realization came to me that what he was telling me about my problems, I already FUCKING KNEW. It helped a bit to vent the shit out of me, on account of having only myself all these years. It still didnt help me my problems though, so I went on medication. Prozac sucks. I dont even get horny anymore on account of the sexual sideffects. I am 19, and experiencing loss of libido, man that is depressing, just pathetic.

I feel as though I have 2 personalities. One is a gentle, passionate, good human being. The other is an arrogant, angry, vengeful person. I have lost all control, and the mood swings happen too often.

I wonder if there is someone out there for me. A girl that is decent looking but doesnt only see the bad things about me. I wish so bad I met her. Then again, even if I did, would I bother to interact with her? FUCK YOU ANXIETY. I have never been one to settle for girls that I dont find attractive, and this is probably why im still a virgin. That is because I am a dumbass. Yeah, im definetly a fucking dumbshit.

I doubt any of you will bother reading what I am saying, because honestly, you dont give a shit. Why would you? You are probably here with your own problems. I have never met anyone in real life anyone that cared.

I dont know anymore, anyone want to be my friend? Sigh.
wish i was never born

 

[Fidgey]

I gave a shit in your previous thread. In your previous thread by stating your problem so well you helped me a lot.
I don't know what mood I will be in tommorow. The people I work with don't know what mood I will be in.
I am 24, supposedly good lucking male and a virgin. I tried sex once and lets just say it did not work out. So come back to me in another five years.
At the moment my concentration is poor. I get nervous at work when there is nothing to do. Sometimes I just want to run out.
My Father is an alcoholic fuckwit perhaps mirroring what I might turn into down the road minus the alcohol dependancey.
I was extremely lonely when I was younger but now a larger part of me wants it to stay that way.

Who prescribed you the Prozac, if it is not working get off it gradually with your doctors help or another doctor. It can be shit getting a dud GP off the top of the ranks but it happens. The former applies to shrinks as well.
A year ago I took Lexapro which didn't work and I went back to the same GP after another 6 months. He gave me Remeron which makes me sleep well but for anxiety, depression I might as well swallow a tic tac :wink:
So last week I went back and while talking to him he was more preoccupied with the 'good pen' he lost. I was talking about my back troubles since taking the drug and this went over his head. Outcome up the dosage. I am going to go back to him but this time I am taking a different tact.

Also for some extra reading go to celiac.com and read about it.
Some people with various mood disorders found that they were allergic to gluten or lactose intollerant. I was going to start a thread about it but there you go, it will do in here. It may apply to you.

Anyway good luck 8)

 

[ocdjoe2007]

fidgey i remember your reply on the ocd post, and i am grateful to you for responding and it brought me some comfort knowing i wasnt alone. The way you describe your problems, I saw we have similar problems.

The doctor wanted to prescribe me Risperdal, and I refused. I asked her for the sideffects and she told me twitching, and perhaps permanent twitching of the elbow joint, and this scared the shit out of me. (I looked it up online later and user reviews are horrible)

I told her id prefer an SSRI, and so she gave me a prescription to Prozac. First couple of days Prozac made me feel so numb, yet good, as though I was in a dream state. Every time my mind would wander to a negative past situation the prozac would not allow me to remember. This was pretty cool. Now though, after 2-3 weeks im depressed again and anxiety again. Perhaps I should get a bigger dose?

It really sucks how I have become socially impaired. I've been disconnected socially for so long that when I interact with people, I am so fucking nervous what im going to say. Even though I manage to have friendly conversations, I feel exhausted afterwards, as though I tried so hard to avoid looking stupid and stumbling on my words.

 

[Toad]

I read what you wrote...it read a lot like something I could have typed. Unfortunately I don't have much advice. I'm 21, a virgin, never had a girlfriend...I dunno...that doesn't bother me as much as it used to now though...I pretty much gave up on it. I do wish I had a partner...someone I could share things with, but I don't really expect someone to care about me until I start caring about myself.

She just criticized me without knowledge of my issues, and always wanted everything her way. Honestly I dont believe I even really liked her, but I just was so happy that I was with someone that I fought so hard not to be alone again. I did so much for her and I tried so hard to make it work, bought her so many fucking flowers, and she still pushed me away.

Is it really better to be with someone that takes advantage of you than to be with no one?

I am becoming violent, I want to beat up people, and I dont know for how long this will just stay fantasy.

Yeah...I get violent urges on occasion as well...it's scary. I'm always afraid I will lose control when I get like that...I have three times, but the rage was directed at myself so no big deal really. More often for me though is an urge to shout something inappropriate...fortunately I've resisted that one successfully so far.

Hope you start feeling better soon.

 

[Fidgey]

fidgey i remember your reply on the ocd post, and i am grateful to you for responding and it brought me some comfort knowing i wasnt alone. The way you describe your problems, I saw we have similar problems..

I am just glad you are still here. It can be frustrating here sometimes as things can move slowly.

The doctor wanted to prescribe me Risperdal, and I refused. I asked her for the sideffects and she told me twitching, and perhaps permanent twitching of the elbow joint, and this scared the shit out of me. (I looked it up online later and user reviews are horrible)

I told her id prefer an SSRI, and so she gave me a prescription to Prozac. First couple of days Prozac made me feel so numb, yet good, as though I was in a dream state. Every time my mind would wander to a negative past situation the prozac would not allow me to remember. This was pretty cool. Now though, after 2-3 weeks im depressed again and anxiety again. Perhaps I should get a bigger dose?.

Its great that she listened too you. Some doctors make up their own mind and wont bend. When you go back she will probably up your dosage.
Some ssris cause anxiety in some people. 8O Its hard to find the right one but you have to keep trying.
If you are anything like me you would hate talking to doctors about your problems. In a perfect world I would like to take a drug and remain silent but I have to get out of this mode for my own good.

It really sucks how I have become socially impaired. I've been disconnected socially for so long that when I interact with people, I am so fucking nervous what im going to say. Even though I manage to have friendly conversations, I feel exhausted afterwards, as though I tried so hard to avoid looking stupid and stumbling on my words.

I am becoming exhausted too for the same reasons. Due to the isolation there is not much to talk about. I was able to be someone else at work but eventually you get tired of bullshitting, perhaps you are at the same point.

 

[ocdjoe2007]

Yeah man I know what you mean about the bullshitting. I recently quit a job that required me to be a sales associate. At the end of the day I would just feel exhausted. It would just disgust me thinking about the fake smiles and shit that wasn't really me.

After a while I quit smiling and ignored everyone, unless they spoke to me or something, and since a couple of the girls seemed into me, they started continuously trying to start conversations with me. This aggravated the shit out of me. After a while they started saying I am mean because I don't interact with them. I just didn't find them interesting. They are into 50 cent and stuff like that and I'm into pink floyd, nirvana, metallica. They talk about jokes and shit that is so superficial, and I know they only like me because how I look. I didn't find any of them attractive either.

One of the girls that liked me that worked there, I remember from High School. She didn't even notice me back then. Now she was obsessed with me. I ignored her and hated even looking at her, and she persisted in trying to talk to me.

I have always wondered why I am so disconnected from everyone else.
Personally I believe I have developed a kind of arrogance, where I don't deem people worthy of me speaking to them, because I believe by doing so I give them the power to hurt me.

 

[Fidgey]

I know very well about the arrogance. Its not true arrogance. True arrogance is bliss as you are always in the right and your ego is so self assured. I am terribly envious of that in someone. You tend to go home and replay conversations over and over again. In my case it involves why I did not end up saying a particular something in a coverstaion to come out on top.

I aso work with a lot of women who are older than me so there is very little common ground. I know that I have to talk but it seems pointless which is where the anxiety kicks in. I know I should be talking but I relate little to the world at the present. I am better with people when I dont become too familiar with them.

I am worse with females as well. I could ask some out but then what. You have to bullshit again and dodge the fact that you have been a vrtual recluse pickled with anxiety the last few years. It is hard.

What sums me up is a mixture of shyness and arrogance and the two are like oil and water. Some days I am shy but more often than not I am a combination of both.

Anyway like the new avatar. Is it Spawn or is it Venom? :wink:

 

[ocdjoe2007]

lol thx its spawn
i love the happy feet pic aswell

I know I should be talking but I relate little to the world at the present. I am better with people when I dont become too familiar with them.

Yeah I definitely relate with that. I feel as though once I start getting too close to people is when I lose them, so I just remain an acquaintance with everyone.

And I don't know if you feel this way, but it seems to me like perhaps I have overthought so much with my mind in my life and experienced so much emotion that I just don't find that anything surprises me on an impact level or amazingly interests me. This would be fair game, being all cool and "don't give a shit" if I just didn't have the damn anxiety and nervousness attached to it.

You have to bullshit again and dodge the fact that you have been a vrtual recluse pickled with anxiety the last few years. It is hard.

Yeah man, once again you hit it on the nail. This last girlfriend I mentioned, I thought I was finally going to be normal and be happy that I was with someone. I did not mention anything about my ocd, anxiety or depression. After a while though she'd get angry cuz I was feeling down, and she'd criticize me for being depressed like its my fault. Superficial self-absorbed god damn bitch.

[/quote]

 

[Fidgey]

Thanks. I thought it was Spawn. Although I hated the movie I was addicted to the soundtrack when I was younger.

 

[AboveAndBeyond]

I am a fantic thinker and beleive the power of the mind and I think I know how to control it. The mind is just a machine and thoughts, the little voice in you head tells it how to react. How you are is from experiences and habits. Anxiety is only thoughts, which turn into habits. You can break habits, and cange your thoughts so your anxiety can stop. The power of postivite thinking is real, it's amazing. It's the answer to all life's problems. I don't come on the web looking for help. I want to help people because I have been though so many of the same things everyone here has. Discover or TRY for a little to think positive. Make happy memories so when you see your house you smile. When you see a hot chick, don't think about all the negative things that could happen. Simply I can't explain things in words. There's so much I want to get out and tell you. I beleive I can turn you around and help you have the best life ever. I want to be your friend because it fasinates me. People with anxiety are very smart. They've thought in a different way then most people for a long time. A big machine of memories and feelings. You are very smart. NO drug or doctor or theropist can help. Only you can help yourself. It would make me happy just to talk to you in person, because I care for you so much even though I don't know you. Just remember that I'm thinking about you and you taught me alot just by your post, and you will never leave my memory.