Bloody Christmas

[aussie135]

I never had any intentions of going Christmas dinner but somehow today I just went, mainly because my mum said my grandma didnt have much time left. I had 4 beers b4 hand and it started of alright. But it gotworse and at the dinner table I just couldnt speak to anyone so I left the table, went to the bathroom then just left the house and went outside to have a smoke. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

My mum came at soon after and gave me a couple of smokes and wanted me to come inside. After she left I just took off and walked the streets in almost 30 degree heat for about 2 hours until my mum was ready to leave. I just couldn't handle being there anymore.

Everyone must have thought I was a dickhead but they don't understand shit. I don't really want to live anymore but don't have enough balls to finish my life. I can't speak to my brothers or sisters anymore, the only person I speak to is my mum. In the last few weeks I have been avoiding all of my mates and now they are starting to forget me and not even call me anymore. My personality has been drained and I can't get out of the depression. No one in my family even tries to help me. I just want to live a normal fucking life but it just isn't happening.

All my brothers and sisters are real shy like me but they have got on with there lives and they actually talk to each other. Sorry for talking a lot of bullshit but I had to do it. Doctor for meds in 2 weeks, psychologist in 3. I'll keep struggling on. Sometimes it just becomes too much and I can't handle it.

Thanks for reading if ya even bothered.

 

[getbornagain]

I hear you bro. My whole family has no idea I've ever been depressed or had any issues all my life. They are clueless, I can't tell them. In your case I think it's major if you can't even converse with your own family. You need to be able to atleast talk to them, they are your flesh and blood.

I had a miserable day today, trippin about shit thinking about my flaws 24/7 like I do every day now but faked a smile all day when I was with my family. I'm too good at faking it. I went to Church and all I could think about was how big of a piece of shit I am. Happy Holidays!!

 

[tuxtux]

I did bother to read, and I understand you.
Christmas parties are awful, I don't like them either and I wish I was brave enough to just get up and leave at some point. I don't think they'll take you for a dickhead - just tell them you weren't feeling well and went home rather than tormenting yourself by staying at the party.

I'm glad you're reaching out for help. Keep struggling. You can get better, I'm sure.

 

[carsickcars]

I also had a very uncomfortable time at my family's Xmas eve dinner. i'm just so damn awkward around everyone, even people i've known my entire life.