hesse
Member
Hello
Just discovered this website and have to say that I've found the stories I've read to be both moving and illuminating. Please bear with my long ramblings as this is unplanned and likely to be very long (why do anything half-heartedly I figure). Please don't be too harsh as I've never put these sort of things into words for people to read before.
I'm a 29 (soon to be 30) year old man. For as long as I can remember I've suffered with major depression. I could analyse my life and say this was a key point or that was a key point, but to be honest I don't trust my feelings or my logic any more. I'll try to summarise what I remember.
I was always a quiet child apparently. My earliest memory is when I was 5 my Papa (my Dad's Dad) died and I can remember how my Dad changed overnight. He became very cold and never really interacted with me or my sisters. I've never really had any sort of relationship with my Dad, he only ever had negative things to say to me so I've basically avoided him as much as possible ever since. My Mum avoids issues like these so, although I was very much a Mummy's boy as a kid, as I got older I've distanced myself there as well. And to be honest, I've felt so guilty that I've worried my Mum so much that I stopped confiding in her a long time ago. My sisters have similar problems. The older one has relationship problems, very jealous, controlling, major self-esteem issues, attempted suicide numerous times over a 2 year period about 10 years ago. The younger one is about as close to "normal" as we have in our family, but we've never been close as I'm 7 years older and I never wanted to influence her in case she became anything like me.
School was very difficult even though my behaviour then was far closer to what people would call socially acceptable than the stage I'm at now. I had a few friends but as I got older their lives moved on and mine didn't so I felt ashamed and gradually tightened my circle just so I didn't have to put up an act every time I saw them. "Hey, how are you. Yeah, I'm doing good, etc, etc." I've always been a lousy liar and people who haven't experienced this kind of thing might worry for you, but they can't help you and they'll always look at you differently, as if you've grown horns or something. One thing I should mention is that my appearance is very unappealing to people. That's not a view through the eyes of a person with bad self-esteem, it's a fact. I could hadle that if people didn't feel the need to thrust it in my face all the time with a witty jibe as if I exist to be their punchbag. The most hurtful thing anybody ever said about me was at a party when I was about 17 - "What is that?" Not "Who" but "What". Can you imagine? Apparently I don't even have the right to call myself human. Another charming one was "Did you suffer from scurvey (or some other defiguring disease) when you were a child." Anyway, these things are probably brushed off by other people but they stayed with me because I know the people who said them were speaking their mind. The others that didn't say things like that thought the same but just didn't have the inclination to say them. The major feature that people comment on is my inability to smile. You probably think that's an exaggeration but somehow at some point my face became an expressionless mask. People love to comment on this.
I was very strong academically so I had a choice of courses and universities. I had no idea what to do so I went with IT as I thought at least I'd get a decent job at the end of it. It was a terrible choice! I have no interest in IT (much preferred English, Art, those kind of things) and uni was much the same as school except I was on my own a lot of the time. I struggled through.
The worst period of my life was at the start of 2nd year. My other grandparents died quite close to each other. Grandfather got cancer and died within a few months. He was a lovely man, adored by everyone but I could accept his death. My Gran died later in very cruel circumstances. I was very close to her as I'd spent my weekends there as a child, and she had the same values as I have now and the same interests. She had a heart attack in 1980 when I was very young, then fine until early 90s when she had a series of minor and major strokes. Her fourth major one (I think) thankfully finally put her to rest. Once my Grandfather died she was ready to go and I can't describe how painful it was to go and see her all the time when she had the oxygen machine (emphysema too) and couldn't talk. She was like this for a few years. I feel nothing but bitterness for the whole episode. When I viewed her body at the hospital after her death all I could see was how she had suffered. If ever given the choice I would advise that you don't view the body.
I came through this very numb. I shut everything out, dropped my friends, gave up most of the things I'd done. After graduation I went to my doctor and ended up on incapacity benefit for a year, then drifted through dead-end jobs. I'm still in one actually.
Anything which was important to me before seems meaningless now, all I'm doing is trying to get to the end of the week so I can shut myself away in my room (one problem with having a dead-end job is the money is so bad that I can't even afford my own place. I live with my parents at 30 years old! When I was a kid I thought I'd be in another country by now.) I don't talk to anyone save a couple of casual friends. I've never had any sort of relationship at any point. I've had the odd chance but I've either mucked it up immediately or for some inexplicable reason I've felt a compulsion not to get close. My family think I'm gay(which I'm not, though I'm possibly closer to having no sexual feelings than anything), on drugs (had 3 year spell on cannabis but thats hardly heroin), and God knows what else.
I have no exact diagnosis (AvPD seems the best fit to me) - in my experience going for help to a doctor only results in getting various pills prescribed and then being told to get on with it. I think I first went to my doctor about 7 years ago. He gave me Prozac (gave me stomache pains) then another couple of anti-depressants which I don't recall the name of. He asked me how I felt they were working and I was honest and told him that the only change I felt was that there were times when I would find myself not thinking about anything at all, just staring into space like a zombie. After maybe a year I was told that further medical treatment wasn't recommended as my depression might not be chemically induced. In fact his words were that he had no further help for me unless I was a suicide risk. Can you imagine how irresponsible it is to dangle that sort of carrot in front of a person like me? It's like a giant slap in the face!
Last year I started getting blackouts, fainting, dizzy spells. I'd had panic attacks before in crowds or in close proximity to people(I can hardly breathe in lifts for example). After 6 months of tests they diagnosed me some neurological disorder similar to epilepsy which affected my heartrate, gave me a feeling of constant stress.
I have a niece who copies me and I don't want her to. I don't want her to be like me but I see her in the same environment I was, and it breaks my heart to think that she might one day be where I am now. I'd rather she despised me and grew up to be like everybody else with a normal life.
So that's basically where I am right now. I work, I go home to my room, I lie around, only sleep every second night and hardly eat. I have no contact with anyone. My family look at me as if I'm the monster from under the stairs. I have no ambitions, no money, no career, no relationship, no real friends. Somehow I know how this story ends and it isn't happily ever after.
What I want out of life is to stumble upon some money, break off all contact with everybody I know and live in some deserted place. Maybe a change of environment would change me? I'd like to be a writer but I can't write - my intelligence as an adolescant just withered away amongst all the bullshit negativity in my head. It's almost funny it's so pathetic!
That's basically it. Probably a world record long post but I feel as though I can't stop. If anyone read this then thanks for your time. I doubt you'll ever find a better case for the end result of lifelong mental illness. I hope if any kids identify with anything I've said that they find help somewhere. If your family can't help you then please find someone who can. Don't be ashamed like I was/am and don't ever listen to anyone who tries to make out that your problems are your own fault. You don't want to be where I am 15 years from now.
Thanks
Just discovered this website and have to say that I've found the stories I've read to be both moving and illuminating. Please bear with my long ramblings as this is unplanned and likely to be very long (why do anything half-heartedly I figure). Please don't be too harsh as I've never put these sort of things into words for people to read before.
I'm a 29 (soon to be 30) year old man. For as long as I can remember I've suffered with major depression. I could analyse my life and say this was a key point or that was a key point, but to be honest I don't trust my feelings or my logic any more. I'll try to summarise what I remember.
I was always a quiet child apparently. My earliest memory is when I was 5 my Papa (my Dad's Dad) died and I can remember how my Dad changed overnight. He became very cold and never really interacted with me or my sisters. I've never really had any sort of relationship with my Dad, he only ever had negative things to say to me so I've basically avoided him as much as possible ever since. My Mum avoids issues like these so, although I was very much a Mummy's boy as a kid, as I got older I've distanced myself there as well. And to be honest, I've felt so guilty that I've worried my Mum so much that I stopped confiding in her a long time ago. My sisters have similar problems. The older one has relationship problems, very jealous, controlling, major self-esteem issues, attempted suicide numerous times over a 2 year period about 10 years ago. The younger one is about as close to "normal" as we have in our family, but we've never been close as I'm 7 years older and I never wanted to influence her in case she became anything like me.
School was very difficult even though my behaviour then was far closer to what people would call socially acceptable than the stage I'm at now. I had a few friends but as I got older their lives moved on and mine didn't so I felt ashamed and gradually tightened my circle just so I didn't have to put up an act every time I saw them. "Hey, how are you. Yeah, I'm doing good, etc, etc." I've always been a lousy liar and people who haven't experienced this kind of thing might worry for you, but they can't help you and they'll always look at you differently, as if you've grown horns or something. One thing I should mention is that my appearance is very unappealing to people. That's not a view through the eyes of a person with bad self-esteem, it's a fact. I could hadle that if people didn't feel the need to thrust it in my face all the time with a witty jibe as if I exist to be their punchbag. The most hurtful thing anybody ever said about me was at a party when I was about 17 - "What is that?" Not "Who" but "What". Can you imagine? Apparently I don't even have the right to call myself human. Another charming one was "Did you suffer from scurvey (or some other defiguring disease) when you were a child." Anyway, these things are probably brushed off by other people but they stayed with me because I know the people who said them were speaking their mind. The others that didn't say things like that thought the same but just didn't have the inclination to say them. The major feature that people comment on is my inability to smile. You probably think that's an exaggeration but somehow at some point my face became an expressionless mask. People love to comment on this.
I was very strong academically so I had a choice of courses and universities. I had no idea what to do so I went with IT as I thought at least I'd get a decent job at the end of it. It was a terrible choice! I have no interest in IT (much preferred English, Art, those kind of things) and uni was much the same as school except I was on my own a lot of the time. I struggled through.
The worst period of my life was at the start of 2nd year. My other grandparents died quite close to each other. Grandfather got cancer and died within a few months. He was a lovely man, adored by everyone but I could accept his death. My Gran died later in very cruel circumstances. I was very close to her as I'd spent my weekends there as a child, and she had the same values as I have now and the same interests. She had a heart attack in 1980 when I was very young, then fine until early 90s when she had a series of minor and major strokes. Her fourth major one (I think) thankfully finally put her to rest. Once my Grandfather died she was ready to go and I can't describe how painful it was to go and see her all the time when she had the oxygen machine (emphysema too) and couldn't talk. She was like this for a few years. I feel nothing but bitterness for the whole episode. When I viewed her body at the hospital after her death all I could see was how she had suffered. If ever given the choice I would advise that you don't view the body.
I came through this very numb. I shut everything out, dropped my friends, gave up most of the things I'd done. After graduation I went to my doctor and ended up on incapacity benefit for a year, then drifted through dead-end jobs. I'm still in one actually.
Anything which was important to me before seems meaningless now, all I'm doing is trying to get to the end of the week so I can shut myself away in my room (one problem with having a dead-end job is the money is so bad that I can't even afford my own place. I live with my parents at 30 years old! When I was a kid I thought I'd be in another country by now.) I don't talk to anyone save a couple of casual friends. I've never had any sort of relationship at any point. I've had the odd chance but I've either mucked it up immediately or for some inexplicable reason I've felt a compulsion not to get close. My family think I'm gay(which I'm not, though I'm possibly closer to having no sexual feelings than anything), on drugs (had 3 year spell on cannabis but thats hardly heroin), and God knows what else.
I have no exact diagnosis (AvPD seems the best fit to me) - in my experience going for help to a doctor only results in getting various pills prescribed and then being told to get on with it. I think I first went to my doctor about 7 years ago. He gave me Prozac (gave me stomache pains) then another couple of anti-depressants which I don't recall the name of. He asked me how I felt they were working and I was honest and told him that the only change I felt was that there were times when I would find myself not thinking about anything at all, just staring into space like a zombie. After maybe a year I was told that further medical treatment wasn't recommended as my depression might not be chemically induced. In fact his words were that he had no further help for me unless I was a suicide risk. Can you imagine how irresponsible it is to dangle that sort of carrot in front of a person like me? It's like a giant slap in the face!
Last year I started getting blackouts, fainting, dizzy spells. I'd had panic attacks before in crowds or in close proximity to people(I can hardly breathe in lifts for example). After 6 months of tests they diagnosed me some neurological disorder similar to epilepsy which affected my heartrate, gave me a feeling of constant stress.
I have a niece who copies me and I don't want her to. I don't want her to be like me but I see her in the same environment I was, and it breaks my heart to think that she might one day be where I am now. I'd rather she despised me and grew up to be like everybody else with a normal life.
So that's basically where I am right now. I work, I go home to my room, I lie around, only sleep every second night and hardly eat. I have no contact with anyone. My family look at me as if I'm the monster from under the stairs. I have no ambitions, no money, no career, no relationship, no real friends. Somehow I know how this story ends and it isn't happily ever after.
What I want out of life is to stumble upon some money, break off all contact with everybody I know and live in some deserted place. Maybe a change of environment would change me? I'd like to be a writer but I can't write - my intelligence as an adolescant just withered away amongst all the bullshit negativity in my head. It's almost funny it's so pathetic!
That's basically it. Probably a world record long post but I feel as though I can't stop. If anyone read this then thanks for your time. I doubt you'll ever find a better case for the end result of lifelong mental illness. I hope if any kids identify with anything I've said that they find help somewhere. If your family can't help you then please find someone who can. Don't be ashamed like I was/am and don't ever listen to anyone who tries to make out that your problems are your own fault. You don't want to be where I am 15 years from now.
Thanks