believe, love, live, fight

[CHEZNAX]

hey guys and girls. this is just a general mail to tell all you guys that I am thinking about you and that I hope you are all still staying strong. I have suffered quite a lot for a while now, wondering why my friends and family constantly hammer me with insults, and wondering what the hell I am going to do to survive this rubbish. Yes, I have tried suicide, cried more times than I can rememer. I am extremely sensitive, but it comes with the territory, the smarter you are the more you notice delicate and disturbing things around you, especially when you are an artist. The smarter you are the more you ask "hey, why the hell do I and others have to suffer? why can't everyone just chill and try to appreciate their good points and stop it already with the jealousy and the hatred?" Most jealous people actually have a lot of good stuff in their lives but they are greedy, they always want more, always want to be the best. I just want to live and be normal. And I have decided to here and no more!! No more tears, no more falling apart, no more dreams of jumping off buildings. No more. Why should we be made to feel bad about who we are? Smart, Dumb, ugly, beautiful, we have to fight back and stop this rubbish. Yes, we can not always stop the blows from coming, some of us might be battered by fists, others by words, we fear brain damage, literally and figuratively. I say stop. Stop the fear. Don't let them destroy you. I like you. I don't know you, but I feel your pain. I hope that you will stop letting them get to you. I refuse to let those jealous bitches get me down. Cuz I'm brilliant and beautiful and I am going to triumph with that all that I can. Sure, they can kill me, but they can not kill my spirit, they can not make me kill me. I will fight like a brave warrior to the very end. I will fall in grace, because I am civilised and graceful and they are the animals. They can slaughter me, but freedom of the heart I will always have. And in my dreams I will smile at you, and pray for you, and Jesus and I will be there for you, waiting at the finishing line, cheering you on. Cuz we are hated because we are special, we are ourselves. Stars like Marilyn Monroe, Prince and kurt Cobain have all in their lives suffered from jealous and mean mass idiots who just snapped at them for whatever reason they could. Good kids like Kristina Calco have died for nothing. for NOTHING. And if you don't like this post you probably don't get what I am saying: I am there for others...thinking and dreaming of a world where people and animals can be born and where they will not be slaughtered by words and evil acts for NOTHING. I care. I am smart enough to care. I am not perfect, but I am almost perfect, because I realise now that loving myself, defected, is the closest thing to perfection. And i urge you guys to live every moment, not to let it die, to let it make you old and bitter. I will get through this thing, not without broken bones and insults, but with spirit, with no more fear. What will be will be. We are braver than any moron with muscles or any bitch with claws. We are truly brave and special. Fight, please, you only got one life and one pair of wrists :roll: I will always pray and sing for people like us.

and yes, be VERY VERY CAREFUL about who you make friends with. Most of my friends are dumb and showing signs of intellect and having them find about about my high marks in classes was a BIG MISTAKE. They are very insecure people. Rather have no friends than people like this. I am trying to get away from these people, luckily they are studying too hard to pass to irritate me most of the time. Yeah, I thought university would exhibit better breeds, but I was WRONG. Stay AWAY from insecure people. They are crazy. be firm with them, and don't absorb their comments, cuz they will strike at you with whatever they can. : )

 

[gaiden19]

Hey Cheznax,

Uplifting post thanks.
Like you i've taken a lot of crap, suffered a lot of mental pain and confused about where im to go in this world. but when i look back on life i realise i've done as many things and more than any other normal person. I finish school, finish uni which was scary and made all the more harder from the anxiety, worked part time whilst at uni and now im in a steady job. Its hard going to work everyday, not from the work itself but all that goes around me at work, the people, the environment. Day by day i get through it and even though 90% of the time i feel dmoralised and mentally and physically drained i always wake up the next day thinking that this day is unlike the one before. Its like an endless cycle for me but like you said we fight through every single day unlike other poeple who seem to coast from one day to the next. We are STRONGER than most people and they don't know how tough mentally we are to get through the SHIT that we cop, feel and think every DAY. They don't know and they can't comprehend our struggle and the gaunlet that we walk through that is life. With that we should be extremely proud of all that we achieve.
Keep soldiering on my friend and i'll do likewise

 

[van_sp]

Thanks for your post Cheznax.

Most jealous people actually have a lot of good stuff in their lives but they are greedy, they always want more, always want to be the best. I just want to live and be normal.

I agree with you. I think people with SP are good, compassionate, loving people. Possibly to a fault. We don't want to hurt other people, we just want to have a normal happy life.

why can't everyone just chill and try to appreciate their good points and stop it already with the jealousy and the hatred?

I don't know. I think they would feel empty inside otherwise, some will step on the heads of others to make it to the top. Truly, these are the measures some people feel they need to take to feel good about themselves.
Instead of feeling content about who they are inside of themselves, they compare themselves to other in order feel special. They are so convinced of this, they even managed to convince us. So, whoever has the stronger belief, wins.
When you have individuals, who's are not secure in themselves, they will ensure there is a separation in the social class, whether it be about looks, money, how many friends you have, how well you play sports, an instrument, etc. It doesn't matter the topic, it's the separation and judging that is needed. Both sides do it.
I think most people with SA, want everyone to get along and accept one another, but are not strong enough in their beliefs, and therefore, allow themselves to lose out.

dreaming of a world where people and animals can be born and where they will not be slaughtered by words and evil acts for NOTHING.
I realise now that loving myself, defected, is the closest thing to perfection. And i urge you guys to live every moment, not to let it die, to let it make you old and bitter. I will get through this thing, not without broken bones and insults, but with spirit, with no more fear.

Amen brother.

 

[CHEZNAX]

hey again! glad to hear you guys are keeping the battle strong. Nope, Roxy, I never personally knew Kristina Calco, but I read a lot about her, and her diary entries and the stuff that she had to deal with. She is an important example because her life and its ending illustrates just how much other people can change your view about yourself. Her case is odd, though, because she was bullied by guys and not girls. My personal theory is that, since she was pretty and talented and accomplished, one of those guys probably had a crush on her and was too scared that she would reject him so he just insulted and rejected her before she could reject him
. That's perhaps a bit far-fetched, but it is strange that these guys had such an obsession with this girl for such a long time. I could be completely wrong, but this is my theory. Anyway, Kristina seemed to have developed "body dismorphia", an illness that makes you think you look hideous/ugly when you don't. This was probably developed from the load of insults she developed since they started teasing her in 7th grade. be careful of body dismorphia, if people give you compliments, take them, be careful not to start being brain-washed by the mean comments. Anyway, regardless of one's looks, one must still keep strong. The material world is a lie, a con, an illusion, don't let people use it against you. All of us are vulnerable to injuries, assaults, diseases, disfigurement, so don't let them make you think they are immune againt that. they are the deluded ones if this is the case. X X X 8)

 

[Amiyumi]

I was picked on by guys in elementary and middle school but I really was ugly. Then after that I blossomed, looked like a full grown woman and for high school I went to an all girls Catholic school...bullied there too. Ugly, unconfident, insecure is how I felt throughout my school years. School was such shit.

I do agree with your theory. So sad this girl took her life and not just for her family because it seemed she had a lot to offer this world.

Roxy, that's what I went through in primary school, never so much with girls though. I was shy as a kid, and really ugly, kids didn't want me on their teams etc just based on that, they were really disgusted by me ..it was racism to though. But once I was 13/14 guys took an intrest in me, and I never had the self esteem or social skills to know how to react, so always turned guys down. I liked it though, feeling accepted and wanted. The guys at my school started this rumour about me being gay because I'd never date. They drew on my folders, called and mocked me in class, moved my desk out on it's own cause they knew I was to shy to move it back. then they started to try and drag me away and touch me, thankfully I fought back with that, but I never finished school cause of it.

I had the same kind of thing in college, and had to leave there to. I'm self consious about my looks, I feel ugly, but I'm just as afraid of people thinking I look nice now.

Thanks for mentioning her CHEZNAX, I'll look her up, thanks for your inspiring post.