Bad OCD

[mwjskks]

Hi, I am 19 and I have pretty bad OCD. I have always been obsessive, I thought people were trying to drug me. When I was about 13 I thought my karate teacher was dissolving cocaine and other drugs in water and then painting the lines on the floor of the gym with it, so I would always avoid touching the lines (super ridiculous, I know). Before that I had fears that my dad was using drugs, like if I saw some powdery looking substance somewhere in the house I would assume it was crack or something, and I would feel sick for weeks thinking that it was seeping into my skin, and drugging me.

Then I started having these compulsions about walking on one side of something, because I thought maybe if I started walking around stuff on one side it would cause me to start being successful, at first I was logical about it like I am with most things, and I saw no improvement, so I didn't think I would continue, but it within about a year I got to the point where I thought going anyplace I had never been would somehow magically negativly affect me for the rest of my life, even if I really wanted to go, and my family was going, and they wanted me to come, I would have to turn them down, I would act like I just didn't want to go. Summers were especially stressful, because they would inevitably want to go on a vacation. I would undo stuff by doing it again in reverse. Over years its gotten to about the point it is now, where I have basically accepted it, my main goal has been to accommodate my OCD rather than fight it. I have tried to fight it a few times, and I start feeling sick, like something is wrong. The main thing I do is I do stuff at least twice, preferably eight or sixteen times though. It often takes me an extra hour or two to get to bed because before I go to bed every movement I make has to be undone, like I watch TV, I have to change through the channels for about 30 seconds just pressing the button as fast as possible so I can subconsiously assume that I have seen each channel eight times, and it is the same or similar for every thing I do, or I literally can't sleep, I have tried and I will toss and turn and be thinking about stuff until 6am, or until I am so tired I have to sleep.

The worst thing is that there are no rules to my rituals, I just have to do redo, and undo stuff until it feels right. Its not necessarily eight or sixteen times, its whenever it feels right so sometimes I end up redoing stuff for a long time. Every time I visit a web page, the first thing I do is move the scroll bar up and down twice, after I leave the page I come back to it real fast and do the same thing over, except I go up and down six times, or more. It sucks, everything I do is like this, I walk down the street and I kick my feet on the ground behind me everytime I see a crack, to make sure I have technically been on the other side of the crack an even number of times, I try to do it very discreetly though so other people don't notice. It causes me great stress though and the amount of energy I have wasted thinking about it and doing these things has probably explains a lot of my current situation.

It got better for a while when I turned 18 and started online gambling, because I sitting there watching my money leave took my mind off of that, because there I was watching reality, and I could see reality didn't care if I did these rituals, I would lose or win anyways, I still gamble in real casinos a few times every couple months or so (I cant online, since my credit is ruined since I am in debt from gambling, so I cant get a credit card). But the gambling no longer does what it used to. I would like to learn some thinking process which would make this better, or if anyone has similar compulsions.

 

[Skaterkid]

Hey

Hey man, it sounds like youve gotta pretty rough case of OCD.
It definatly isnt no picnic.

My best advice to give to you would be to flat out not bother with these rituals.

I know it might be hard and lead to huge anxiety but thats a natural thing that occurs when curing ocd.

With ocd theres things that are refered to as "spikes" (the occurence in your mind that makes you go through with these compulsions)

The spikes are not whats important, the important thing is not going through with the compulsions. Thus the spikes will increase and make you wanna do more compulsive behaviours, but you just gotta be strong and fight it.

A good way to begin this if you absolutely must do the compulsions is dedicate an hour of your time each day to focus on them. I.E. if you have a spike just tell yourself your not going to think about it untill whatever hour you chose comes up.

Yeah i know it sounds like alot to wrap your head around but really the more you do the compulsions the more crazy and consumed by the illness you'll become.

A tip for you ocd people would be to set aside atleast an hour (preferably 2) a day to read a book. Reading is great for the mind and i find personaly that the more i read the lesser my OCD becomes. Also nutrition helps, eat lots of fruit and grains and what not

Hope this gives you atleast a tad bit of insight.

 

[ocdgirl]

hi

please go to the website i'm currently working on. I would love to offer you advices. http://www.myspace.com/ocdgirlwillfear

 

[mwjskks]

Hey skaterkid, thanks for the advice, I like the one about dedicating one hour to it, I have always thought that if someone was telling me to do these things, or if I was getting paid to do them, as a job, I would have said it wasnt worth it and quit them a long time ago, I might try that, except it isnt really practical since I live with my parents, and family, so I cant just spend an hour walking up and down the stairs, flashing lights, ect.

 

[meme]

just tell yourself that "its not me, it's my ocd" detaching yourself from whatever ocd thing you are doing can help. my ocd spikes horribly when i get pms and man, i jsut want to bash my head in.

 

[mhx]

Skaterkid,
I have it pretty bad as well. I read all the time, but the problem is I have to read certain sentences 4 times and flip the page 16 times. :?

Hang in there, it will eventually calm down. I'm 35 now but have been experiencing your problems since about your age. The bad news is you will always have some level of this in you. The good news is, it does become manageable. I would suggest consulting your doctor for some anxiety medication (I take 100mg Zoloft) - That will help slow down your brain abit to start fighting those nasty compusions. Secondly, the sleep thing is key!!!! I always relapse hardest when I am fatigued. Again, if medication is necessary at first, I would opt for that - but consult the doctor first.