Avoidant & Sad... how do I change? Advice needed...pls.

[Scully1]

Sorry this is going to be long, but I’m new to this forum and feel like a loser for going through what I am feeling. I’m a 38 yr old woman who has a successful career, a good, stable (routine) life with no apparent physical/financial problems. I’m told I have everything going for me (good general health / good looks / education / successful job / money etc.). My problem : I long for friendships, especially a love interest, but every time there is an opportunity, I “look the gifthorse in the mouth” and avoid contact. On the one hand there are women who aggressively pursue men and then there is me on the other hand who gets attention from men without making any effort, but instead of being receptive (nice & polite like I usually am), I “freeze”/shy away from the situation and come across like a snobby, unavailable “B”-- I don’t understand why. When this happens I then become upset with myself for avoiding the very thing I long for so desperately. There is no logical reason why I don’t have a “normal” life with a family of my own. The only person standing in my way is “myself”. I want to break out of this pattern of behavior, but just don’t know how.

Background : my mother was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic when I was 6 yrs old.…thankfully she has responded well to medication, but she herself is very avoidant/occasionally catatonic. My father has been the only stable force in my life, but has to dedicate a lot of time to helping my mother. Are my problems perhaps a result of my environment ? I have been to the doctor and a psychiatrist, but they offered no advice, although they showed concern that I have no romantic relations. They say that otherwise I am fine.

Work life : I am successful in my functions, but most of the office ignores me because a co-worker spread rumors about me and I have been unable to “undo the damage”. I refuse to run away from this situation because I love my work and the company and I won’t accept being bullied. I am determined to survive and overcome the negativity.

Personal/Home life : I still live with my parents, who are understanding but want to see me established. They worry about my future and feel it is a shame that I will be alone. I have no friends except my older sister (does not life at home). She is quite worried about me. There are many times she wants to ride the train home from work with me, but I choose to sit in a corner by myself. I met a nice guy on the train and we cross paths quite often. He has attempted to be nice to me and smiles/says hi, but I sense he realizes I’m avoidant, and so he too no longer approaches me…he has given up on the “pretty but snobby-looking” girl. I somehow believe he would still give me a chance and I wish I could fix things with him, but I don’t know how to begin changing my attitude and social behavior to accomplish this and other goals.

Does anyone out there understand or have any thoughts / suggestions ?

 

[Zipper]

I would suggest that you try to put a finger on what is bothering you. Are you afraid of rejection? I didn't see you mention anything about that. Are you shy? Are you angry about something? Do you dislike the company of men? Do you feel that you can't understand men? Are you afraid of sexuality and male sexuality? Do you feel inadequate? Do you find men inadequate? Write out a list of problems.

Then I would suggest that you create a list of the things that you desire. You already have a good job and secure finances. You are probably healthy. And you have a good relationship with your parents. What else is it that you want? You mentioned that you want companionship. Would you like to get married? Would you like to have male friends? Would you like to have your own children? Write out a list of goals.

Not every woman needs to get married and have a family. If it isn't something that is important or valued to you, then don't worry about it. Of course, you should do things which you find fulfilling, but that won't necessarily be "what everyone else is doing." But perhaps you constantely feel lonely? Female friendships and pets could help you with that. Perhaps you wouldn't be happy with the men you have met so far in your life. There are genuinely important reasons that a woman could have for not responding to certain men. Don't blame yourself if you have had these reasons.

 

[Scully1]

Thanks very much for the advice. It is useful and has got me thinking (although I don't want to over analyse). Here's my problem : I have had relationships (including sexual) and I like men (I'm not interested at this point in my life in having female friends, more than necessary) ... I do want a family (a husband and kids of my own). I'm not really shy...I can carry on conversations and I can be "super nice" and polite etc. My fear is not completely "social"... What I'm truly afraid of is that history will repeat itself. I have read that I have a 10% chance of becoming mentally ill, like my mother. I think that's what is "subconsciously" holding me back from pursuing any relationship, although I don't have any symptoms according to the doctors. I just need to find a way to get past my fears. I have never had the confidence to leave home...(even though my mom pointed a knife at me once a long time ago)...plus I would feel guilty leaving my father to deal with helping my mother all alone. My sister left home at 19 and is married, but refuses to have children (although she adores them). I beleive she has similar fears. Additionnally, I was always told by my mother (in front of relatives) when I was a young girl that I was the reason she became ill and that my sister would get married but I wouldn't. She said no man would ever be good enough for me and that no man would ever be able to touch me. It's like it has become a "self-fulfilling prophecy"...which I'm paying the price for as well as her & my father who have no grandchildren. Bottom line : this has helped me identify more clearly what is holding me back... 1) I don't feel like my issue is shyness/inability to converse/dislike of men bit instead 2) I feel afraid because of my mother's illness (I don't know if I should I be ?) 3) I feel guilty at the thought of my father being alone with my mother, and guilty that my mother potentially became ill after giving birth to me 4) (although I love her) there is an element of revenge against my mother for the years of hurt/confusion/anger/lack of self-esteem etc. 5) these are all things I feel I have to hide from a potential love interest (and it's difficult...I've done it in the past, and I find that men sense hurt/sadness/anger very easily)... This has been a big step for me joining this forum, but just writing about it and knowing there are others out there willing to help is very encouraging. Thanks.