Approval, Help & Mothers....

[Polly_Princess]

I desperately need the approval of my mother in all ways. When she's is critical of me or points out my flaws, it's the most painful thing on earth. I'm obsessed with pleasing her. I want to be the daughter she wants me to be in all ways yet I always feel like I've failed her. I can't understand why I feel this way, because all my life she has always been loving and caring and very protective of me and I know that she loves me very much and that I'm lucky to have such good parents.

And I'm happy trying to please her in most ways. I've dropped boyfriends because she didn't approve. I've worked myself to huge anxiety to please her. I've sacrificed personal enjoyment and recreation to throw myself into working to achieve and make her proud.

But there's is just ONE thing in my life I need her to accept who I am, and not who she wants me to be, but she just won't! I need her to accept that I do have psychological problems (e.g. OCD, eating disorders), but it's been over five years since she first knew and she's still just in denial. Either that, or she just WON'T accept it.

I know she's done her best in this area. She's come with me to doctors and psych's. She's listened to me when I've been in tears. She's offerred any solutions that she can. But, deep down, I know she doesn't accept it and wants this to just magically go away. She plays down the problems and she's becoming more and more distant when I try to talk about it. I know she cares and I know she loves me, but it's hard to cope with.

What should I do?

 

[Lea]

You have to find out who you are, what you really want and what your opinions on things are. If you are firm in something, not even your mother can make you change your opinion. You want your mother accept you the way you are, but you probably need to accept yourself first. Then you won´t need to seek anybody´s approval and are not going to sacrifice things you want for someone else. I know, easier said than done.

 

[PunkRotten]

Sounds like your mom is the one who needs help. Too many parents are this way and screw their kids up by not letting them live. They place way too strict demands and expectations.

My advice, be whoever you wanna be. If you are an adult already, more the reason. You will find out that its the other way around, parents HAVE to accept their kids. If you are an adult, and your parents still criticize you this way, just give up on trying to gain their approval. To me its more harm than good. The problem with strict parents is the kids are afraid, STOP BEING AFRAID and be who you want. This takes some guts and anger though. It takes time though to be ready.