I've had it suggested that I'm gay before. I've been on dates and I always seem so disinterested that its only logical that some girls would jump to this conclusion. I'm not a bad looking guy, but I always feel lie I'm being judged when I'm on a date. I know I'm probably not, but all I can think about is what she is thinking of me. Therefore, my actions are nervous and most of the time quite clumsy.
All the girls I've dated have given up on me because I start avoiding her just because I have such a hard time loosening up and I just hate being in that situation. One time I played the wingman with a friend watching his girlfriends dance competition (so gay haha, and before I realized I had panic disorder or I prolly wouldnt have gone). Afterwards we went out for chicken wings with some of my buddies' date's dancer friends and halfway through the meal the came to the conclusion that I'm gay because I don't act like the normal male that is usually drooling at them, I think. Then I had to ride with them in a packed car on the half hour ride home listening to their neverending questions and comments about my sexuality. Haha its a sad story, but its unfortunately true. I'm completely heterosexual, but I just don't enjoy the company of those kind of girls that act like their better than everybody. I was never rude once, they just took my disinterested demeanor (due to panic disorder because i hate crowded restaurants let alone prissy bitches) and turned it in to me being gay.
I currently feel like it's no use seeking out girls because it always ends up the wrong way. Hopefully one day I meet someone who just brings that feeling that I've known the person forever and get along well and they seem the same about me. But there's a slim chance that that's going to happen, since I tend to stay out of conversations with random people unless they just start conversing with me out of the blue for no reason. I just need a girl that understands what I deal with, but I'm too damn proud or anxious or something so I never tell any girls about it. It just feels like a burden to me so why would a girlfriend want to deal with it. I'd rather just deal with it myself and save her the problems...
And yes, I know i just reiterated my socially phobic thinking by thinking about the girls needs before my own. There's nothing I can do about it though, I'm just different and I feel like it makes me a less desirable person. It's impossible for anybody to see it without speaking with me though. My disinterested demeanor always leads to people thinking I don't like them. It's a fucking vicious world we live in.
Peace
:lol:
