I guess
I guess I've had it.. I've always been quiet, afraid to talk, never had that many friends, never hung out with my friends outside of school, and never really talked to my family either.
Guess I was lucky growing up cause all I did was play sports and study.. My father made me do this.. even in the summer I went to summer camps this and that.. Figured all those people I was forced to interact with would make me less "shy."
But it never really did. The thing was....you never had to talk that much in sports.. it was yelling, screaming or just performing....Talking wasn't really something the coaches or others looked at you for.. especially considering I was one of the non-factors.. Played sometiimes, but i was more a grunt, then a starter.
So as I got older i just looked down upon myself even more. I stared my own business, I started another business, I worked, I went to college, I even worked as a door to door saleman selling meats/chickens/seafood.
I moved to NYC when i was 19...
I just thought I was shy. Had to force my way out of it..
I read books about socializing, small talking, networking, so on and so forth.
Nothing ever worked.
I could go up to a stranger and say hello, but after that my mind goes blank.. Sometimes it feels like I'm the stupidest person in the world and others probably do look at me like that.
So when i hung out at clubs with my friends or at college parties, I would drink.. Drinking or doing other things made me talk... it made me have confidence...
I was the center of attention at times.. Heck i'd go to a party not knowing anybody and by the end of the party people would remember me in a good way.. I liked that feeling.
I was never a person who wanted to stay locked up inside my room.
But as time went on, a buzz no longer worked.. I needed more and more until really I was the loud obnoxious one and not just a talkative one.
I've tried many things, but really never knew anything about SA...
I was either "laid off" or my contract wasn't renewed because I wasn't really a team player.. I could do my job but I rarely spoke to anybody.. In fact I worked at one job for 4 years in IT and now that I look back at it, it's sad that i don't have one contact from that job. I don't have one reference.. I don't have one anything..
I did my job, worked 100 hours a week at times, went to meetings, learned things, listened, even spoke up at times, but I never made any networking friends. Then a new boss came in and he didn't like me from the start.. I rarely talked to anybody and talking to a boss was always worse for me, so they let me go when cuts were made.
It happened at other contract positions as well. Places where you have to network.... Working hard means nothing if nobody knows you or knows nothing about you. Especially when it comes to big jobs and big companies.
But about 2 years ago I discovered SA... I researched up on it and found out it sounded a lot like me.. Many of the symptoms fit me perfectly.
I haven't gone to a shrink or that yet, wanted to, but my contracts were cut short and interviews haven't been going well lately, so I can't afford to go anytime soon.
Hopefully the next interview, whenever i have none scheduled, will go well and I can start paying bills again.
But i'm 30 now and basically until 2 years ago, I knew nothing about SA at all.. I just thought i was shy and never really thought much about myself for most of my life because of it.
No shit either.Then I was 4 and now I am 40 so SP is like one of those pain in the arse friends that never leaves you alone.Bring out the standard list of depression, anxiety, low self esteem, lack of self confidence etc.I'm pretty sure there's a pile of people in the same boat.I really think we have some sought of chemical imbalance in our brains but we'll never know because our illness is in such a minority there will never be the funding or the manpower to study it properly. :? 
