any ideas on this....

[miguy]

ok everyone...since "we" are so miserable inside -feeling sad, jealous, out of place and etc- i'm pretty sure it's obivous to others who are social, in some way we just come off as odd and like them...so, how about changing our way of thinking...like for instance, instead of being self-conscience and feeling out of context or place, i would try to feel like i belong and fit in, i'm human after all. i wonder if this will work in a very social setting...?

has anyone thought about this or experimented in some way with this?

one of my biggest issues is not knowing the "norms" of being social like after meeting a person trying to continue to chitchat and all...making it last and continue to show interest, and going from there to the stages of "friendship" level...like days and months after....because i seem to not only be bad at recipricating the concept of being a friend but i don't know what to do because i haven't learned in the early years....

anyone know what i mean....?

based on the concept of having social phobia or avoidant personality, is all about the lack of or negative experiences from the past, which are all irrational in nature...and best way is to recognize and change those thoughts and opinions into positive way of thinking and acting....which is understandable and fine, it actually seems doable.
but my problem is all the other stuff that came along with not being social or not being social now, which is the "social etiquette" and how and what to do with "friends" and with those who i'll be socializing with....basically, all the stuff that came with elementary school on...ongoing and continuous interaction and so forth....

how does all of that get worked on or figured out.....?

any thoughts, anyone??

 

[flake__]

yep i know what u mean!

Think we have 3 problems:

1. dehabilitating fear in social situations
2. constant voice in head that negatively self-assesses...therefore feeling of inferiority, feeling we 'can't' socialise, don't deserve to be talked to etc
3. lack of social know-how since we've never had much practice!

You can go to classes to learn basic social skills, but number 3 is the least to worry about, we could pick it up so quick if we got rid of the first 2.

We think we don't know HOW to socialise and that's why we are useless at it, but in actual fact is just the fear and the negative voice stopping us. How people makes friends, normal conversation even, seems like a complete mystery land to me....but if we felt no fear and felt normal and confident it would be a breeze.

I meet loads of people who are weird, or geeky, really thick, or really selfish...whereas i am quite clever academically and very good at empathising and understanding people and their emotions and their problems...and sometimes i think, how the hell do you have more social skills than me?!
And it's just cos they have confidence. They go to the parties and clubbing etc, because they feel that what they have to say/do is worth listening to, they deserve to be heard.
I can listen to someone talking and analyse them to a t sometimes, i can see the world from their perspective and predict their responses etc....i could write pages about them and solve their problems etc....but all of that, all of my understanding, i simply cannot communicate in person because as soon as they approach me fear swallows my tongue and swamps my mind into blankness.

 

[DelGreco]

I understand what you guys are saying. I think an issue is that to enjoy conversations there has to be a certain flow back and forth, and this can't be rehearsed or forced. Since we're anxious we tend to think ourselves in knots, and I personally go blank. Simple questions like "What are your hobbies?" etc. can make me nervous and oddly defensive. So I want to talk more, but god I hate talking. I make for a walking contradiction. That's hard for people to understand. However, I think if we can break through to that flow in a conversation, to that level of comfort, the negative voice will start to go away naturally. Maybe it's not that we don't have any social skills so much as they're buried under a mountain of anxiety.

So maybe the answer is too work hard on some of the peripheral social skills like eye contact and small talk, and at a certain point once things start going, we won't have to worry so much about anxiety anymore. The other day I really tried hard to make eye contact with a guy I was talking with at my hall, and when I saw him laugh at one of my jokes it gave me the positive reinforcement to keep going. It was one of my better conversations in awhile. Things just kind of snow ball after awhile. At the same time, I relate so much to this feeling that how people make friends is a mystery. How can we learn how to make friends, start relationships and such with so little experience? I'm not sure.