Any advice?

[tottenhamhotspur]

I have always had problems getting thoughts 'out of my head'. This sounds silly and, I suppose it is. I have posted the same question on Yahoo over 400 times over 3 years.. yes. 400 times. I can't get over something I did 4 years ago for the last three almost. If you have the patience, you can read the following, which will describe it to you. I'm going back to therapy this thursday -unfortunatly, I moved, so I need a new one -. Any help is GREATLY apperciated, and I look forward to conversation about my issues as opposed to just posting the same thing or almost the same thing again and again.
HERE IT IS (warning, it's long and contains some info more on the 'adult' scale but nothing intended to be vulgar by any means)


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Hey Everyone. Sorry that this is so long, but it’s been bothering me and I have to get it off my chest, and see what people’s opinions are so hopefully I can put my mind to rest. Here is my story as I best remember it and as truthfully as possible. About four years ago, I got drunk at a bar with a friend of mine. Sometime while he was up and away or after he left, I was sitting on a patio with a woman about my age (21) and I wanted to make a move on her, so I kissed her ( it must have lasted for a few seconds, and I tried sort of using the tongue, but I am still rather timid and pulled away after a bit so it’s not like I really have her a chance to respond to it) She did NOT kiss me. She didn’t say anything or ask me to stop, she seemed fine with it, maybe a bit surprised at most. not long after, I put my hand down inside of her pant and touched her bottom , though as we were both sitting down so I don’t think I got down too far ( not that I was trying to, I’m not sure what I was thinking other than I was an idiot.)

She never asked me to stop or seemed disrupted ( after all, if someone just leans over, kisses you full on with tongue and all, you’d say something right?, and then I’m sure if she had a problem with my touching she’d of said something.) anyways, when my friend came back and went to leave, some of her friends ( she was with others- she was not alone) said I should leave with him ( because he was asking me to walk home with him) but I wanted to stick around to talk with this woman. At the time I thought that they wanted me to leave with him just to be nice to the poor lad ( after all, I abandoned the poor guy for a 20 minute walk home - and yes, I have apologized profusely for my behaviour to him as well that night.) Later on in the night, I was walking, about to leave when a girl starting talking to me and said something along the lines of ‘hey, weren’t you the one who tried to stick your tongue down my friend’s throat?’ I was offended by her way of saying the question,

and likely embarrassed by my behaviour, and said no, to which she shook her head vertically , saying ‘yes, you did! Yes you did!”
but I don’t recall her being particularly rude about it. She may have also said ‘I think you better leave” though this might have just been me demonizing myself later, as I have no solid recollection of that happening, and I would assume that I would. (read below)
So here is my story NOW-

More than two years ago, I again remembered this event and it started really bothering me. Did this woman feel violated by my actions? Did I sexually assault someone? I became very harsh on myself and forgot to remember that it was a stupid thing I had done- but I didn’t force her to, and I would have stopped had she asked me to. I have been obsessive about the event and I am now taking meds for my depression. Though the meds have helped and my quality of life is returning, the questions still bother me - Is this woman alright? What if she had never kissed someone before and I violated that for her? Will I ever accept myself and be able to forgive myself and move on? I would never do something to hurt or violate another person, and I feel like I’ll never be able to fully forgive myself.
At the height of my depression I did not want to live and considered myself the worst, most vile scum on the planet, but I am starting to come around to realize I made an honest mistake and didn’t mean any harm by my actions. Please weigh in with your thoughts and answers to any of my questions.
I'm sorry if you have read this question before- part of my problem is OCD and I wish I could explain to you the compulsion to post the question and try to get some help.

 

[ughih8ocd]

What you did wasn't right and it wasn't wrong, the woman no matter how intoxicated one person is, you can still say something about, in which she didnt.

Don't beat yourself up over nothing, this type of stuff happens all the time.
You didn't violate her, you thought that she was ok with it since she didn't seem to stop you from doing what you did, you were intoxicated and you just wanted a fun time, don't beat yourself up over it man.

 

[fudgy]

Its just your ocd fella ...trying to torment you !! And your letting it .


I know someone who had to say sorry for everything , even if it was years ago, they would ring people up just to get on to a certain subject to go back in memory so they could say sorry.


You tried it on with some girl ...no big deal ...we are part of the animal kingdom , its what we do !!

If she was so violated at the time she would have screamed/called the old bill/slapped you/ran off shouting etc etc.

Its not the greatest way to chat someone up but fair play to you !!



you have fed your ocd now by writing this , so now put it to rest .......seriously ..... your ok ... walk away from it and be strong .

 

[Lost Girl]

She may have felt violated at the time, but from the way you make it sound, it seems that you were attracted to her and made a move - a completely human thing to do. Um, the hand down the pants may have been a bit much though lol, and she probably does feel at the very least weird about it, but in no way are you the scum of the earth over this. If you can, apologize to her.

Actually...if this has been bothering you so much and for so long, then why haven't you asked her about how she feels about what happened?

 

[tottenhamhotspur]

Hey everyone.
Firstly, I don't think I'd ever be able to find her. I've even tried posting online ads in lost connections.
Secondly, I do beleive this has ALOT more to do with OCD than I first acknowledged. I just posted this list on another forum and I feel alot better already. Here are some other things that I think show my tendancies towards OCD

Just a few examples of other things (than the above) which seem to be indicators of OCD in my past
-Contast tounge clicking (often(but not just) when I pass the begining and the end of a road/sidewalk I will do this - I have NO idea why)
-avoiding cracks on sidwalks, left foot then right, frustration when the pattern is broken
-when I was about 10-12 I would add 'I swear to god' to thoughts (such as 'i'll pass this test, etc) then quickly say 'No!' over and over and over again for likely a year.
-in grade 12 I worried constantly about death and would compulsivly ask about people's thoughts on life/death/afterlife, etc.
-4 years ago I was CONVINCED I had cancer, and it ate up my thoughts each and every day, checking lymph nodes CONSTANTLY
-about 3 years ago my roomate became pregnant and I was convinced that somehow it was me (this is ridiculous and disturbing in many ways, as I was convinced that somehow some of my bodily fluid had ended up on my hands and into the shower or something... I know how silly this sounds but I am sure that you guys will understand)
- picking/ripping off of nails, etc., cracking knuckles,
-worrying about shutting off ovens, etc. once I leave to the point I have to go home and check or it will drive me mad
-worrying about offending or hurting others in totally innocent situations (once I was flirting with a girl I had been on a few dates with and we pretended to 'fight' ... I was convinced she was offended for DAYS and then I asked her- she said I was 'hillarious'- and was serious.
-Need podcasts/movies about conspiracy to sleep, feel strange if they aren't on, no matter that they disturb my sleep pattern and likely contribute to my depression.
- Paranoia from an early age that my friends weren't being honest to me, that they had alternative motives or that they just hung around with me because they felt they had to
- Constant feelings of inferiority, failure, etc. insults, self- hating statements and unwanted thoughts stuck on repeat

 

[Dronee]

- Constant feelings of inferiority, failure, etc. insults, self- hating statements and unwanted thoughts stuck on repeat[/I]

I don't think that what you did was right. But it isn't something like a complete violation of her either. Most women would say something or just make their disapproval plain if they are unhappy about what you're doing. Most women who DO approve would likely kiss you back or at least give some signal that she approves.

Judging from this, my guess is that the girl is likely intoxicated or just 'not there' except that you didn't really realize it because you may have had a couple of drinks yourself... or just that you simply didn't realize it.

I think this incident itself though, is just a symptom. The real issue is what I've quoted. To get over the specific incident, I'd suggest that you just distract yourself with work or hobbies whenever your thoughts become focused on the incident. Hopefully, it'll weaken the habit of returning to those thought patterns.

I'm not a Christian, but if memory serves, there is a prayer called the Serenity prayer and it sums up quite well what I'd like to say.

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference..." (Sorry if I recall it wrongly).

You may or may not believe in God, but the idea is still the same there. You can't change the past directly. You can only resolve to learn from it and move on... If you cannot apologize to the girl or contact her, then just let it be. Personally, I don't drink alcohol. Partly because it lowers inhibitions. If your actions are the result of alcohol, you can choose to stop doing it.

If not, you can just resolve to take it slower with women next time... the point is that just take some constructive action and let the past rest. It's easier said than done, but the only person who can do it is yourself.

To that end, I'd suggest getting a hobby or exercise program... basically some activity you can really love. And focus on that. Or focus on work. The human mind can only really focus on one thing at a time... If you can spend enough time doing what you love and 'being in the zone', you may weaken your OCD like thought patterns. Or at least that was my experience.

I hope my one cent worth of comments helped.

 

[tottenhamhotspur]

Thanks for your response.
I accept fully that what I did wasen't a great thing at all. It wasen't the right thing to do. It was wrong, and I admit that. I'm not trying to deny that.

But I think after 3 years of 24/7 obsessing its also time to accept that I'm human, prone to mistakes and failure, and to remember that my intentions, while not great, were never to hurt or bother anyone, and that I have never done anything remotely like it since, and tried my best to be a better person since then, though my obsession only keeps me from doing bad things from others and not from doing POSITIVE things for myself and others.

I just think its time that I've punished myself enough. I've just felt guilty when I even so much as find a woman attractive. How can I ever have a healthy, full relationship thinking like that?

My drinking in itself has never really been much of a problem, and I certainly don't cause any problems for the most part when under the influence, though I have stopped binge drinking for the most part and make sure that it's a special occasion and I have lots of close friends around me when I do now. I follow Judaism, so a certain level of discernment is expected when it comes to drinking, and I try to bring this into my life as well, knowing that drinking to excess isn't a good plan mentally, physically or spiritually.

Just getting out my problem alongside with my OCD issues seems to have helped break down a barrier in my mind.

 

[Dronee]

But I think after 3 years of 24/7 obsessing its also time to accept that I'm human, prone to mistakes and failure, and to remember that my intentions, while not great, were never to hurt or bother anyone, and that I have never done anything remotely like it since, and tried my best to be a better person since then, though my obsession only keeps me from doing bad things from others and not from doing POSITIVE things for myself and others.

I just think its time that I've punished myself enough. I've just felt guilty when I even so much as find a woman attractive. How can I ever have a healthy, full relationship thinking like that?


Just getting out my problem alongside with my OCD issues seems to have helped break down a barrier in my mind.

Yes. Exactly! You've just summed up what I was trying to say. Especially the part about punishing yourself and being human.