Anxiety+Romance=Break up?

[Quiet Angel]

When I have an important reputation such as "girlfriend" in romantic relationships, his friends/family are overwhelmingly curious, often focus their attention on me, and have basic expectations. I feel extremely pressured to make a positive impression for everyone, however, it obviously backfires in my direction because I end up babbling/stuttering/etc. I excessively worry over my ability of communication, politeness, knowledge/intelligence, etc. My biggest fear is that they'd say, "We strongly dislike your girlfriends' characteristics and her mannerisms. You must find yet another girl who is more suitable for you."

Embaressingly, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for approximately 2 years & I've never managed to open up to anyone important in his life. It's very hurtful to him, and he partially believes I "disrespect" each of them. He doesn't seem to grasp the understanding of my predicament. His family/friends even asked him, "Does she dissaprove or possibly hate us? She has always been real withdrawn & distant." When I discovered that, I cried. And cried. As each day passes, I become increasingly aware of how long I've been antisocial toward each of them. I'm don't believe I'll ever be capable of opening up to them, which is why I'm considering breaking up with him. I love him dearly & it'd be an utter shame to leave, but I can't find complete happiness & security. I detest any situation when I'm confronted in his family/friendship gatherings. I highly respect each & every one of them, but...idk.

 

[NothingElseMatters]

Hi Quiet Angel.I don't have much experience in relationships but i am gonna take a shot.
You said that you love him dearly but he doesn't seem to understand fully how you feel.Have you tried to explain to him how you feel in those situations?If you haven't maybe you should do it so that he will know that you aren't disrespecting his family.At least this way you are gonna gain your boyfriend's respect and maybe support.If you have explained it to him and he still thinks about you that way then get out of there.Don't be in a relationship that puts you down.There is always someone else that can accept your fears and help you get rid of them

 

[PunkRotten]

I understand, I always worry about how I'd face someones parents too. I used to do alright when I was younger, but when you get older it gets harder cause they judge easier.

 

[Moonie]

I feel your pain. I was in a relationship with a guy for a couple months. His family/friends have a big bonfire every October and he invited me to come. Before this, I have met his mother once. He kept making comments like "You're bored" and that kind of stuff. And later on he told me "You didn't talk to anyone. My mom said you talked more to her the first time you met." And shortly after the bonfire thing, he called me up, and said "Maybe we don't have that much in common. Maybe we shouldn't see each other."

To be honest, I was hoping we would break up. But, I knew he REALLY wasn't meant for me when he broke up with me for those reasons. My ideal partner would not be embarrassed (if he was) or let his family/friends influence his decisions about me. I was glad it was over. I am glad to be out of that kind of relationship. Funny thing is, shortly after the breakup he said he thought he maybe he made a mistake about breaking up. I don't know if he truly felt it was a mistake or if he was just lonely and wanted someone. Either way,I was done with him.

I had another boyfriend, a long term boyfriend. He never really said anything bad about my shyness or how I acted around his friends or family. I really appreciated him for those reasons. Though, at the same time, I had a nagging feeling that I was a let down to him. I am sure I'd have been a perfect person for him, had I had better social skills. I felt like a failure girlfriend. A failure because I couldn't chill with his friends. A failure because I wasn't fun and cool. That relationship is over now. It failed for many reasons, not because of my lack of social skills, though. But, it was still something that always bothered me. I felt like a bad girlfriend.


I really don't have any advice, as I have been through it. The only thing I can say is tell him that it's hard for you to open up to people. And, really, I don't think I could ever open up to BF's family or friends. In order to open up for me, I need almost day-to-day contact with someone. I need touching, laughing, consistency. If you like his family, try making comments to him, such as "Your mom is nice" or whatever (if you sincerely think so) and then maybe he can pass that on to them. That way they know you do like them, but you are shy or quiet or anxious.

In the end, if someone breaks up with you because of how their family or friends unfairly judge you, then do you really want to be with that sort of person anyway? There are strong people who are willing to love you completely, without letting others influence or weaken their love for you. Don't break up if you are happy with him. Unless, of course, he makes you feel bad about how you are. Right now he is probably confused and frustrated. I think our lovers just get frustrated when their friends and family members don't get to see why you are so great, see the person they love.

 

[danstelter]

Hi QuietAngel,

It sounds like you have a good relationship here, so please don't break up with your boyfriend because that is only going to make him and his family upset, and you will feel like crap. Instead of feeling so upset about how you are unable to open up to people, figure out how you CAN open up to people. It sounds like his family is curious about you, so you have good grounds for opening up. Just try it and see what happens; people will probably give you surprise looks, but they will probably love you and enjoy having you around more when you are more talkative. Tell people what's going on in your life or what you would like to do or are thinking about doing. Tell people what is making you upset, and comment on common social/political issues such as what the President is doing, or whatever it is that comes to mind and you think that other people would find interesting. Every person has wonderful qualities about them that make them attractive to others - it's just a matter of whether or not that person believes that they do. Please, if not for your sake, then for your boyfriend's and his families, give this a shot. I think you will be happy with the results.

 

[Quiet Angel]

Thank you so much everyone. Dan,
I love every peice of your advice.

 

[Quiet Angel]

That sounds like a huge struggle, Moon. You surely have my support. Thanks for sharing, that makes me feel less alone. *hugs*

 

[Lea]

I don´t have a boyfriend but I work in families a lot and I have exactly these problems. Social skills... I lost many jobs because of that. I am in a family now (the client died but Im still here waiting for a new family). But I am so, at least I tell them my problems straight away. Don´t know if it´s good or bad, but I am like this. Yesterday there was a family gathering and one of the guest was talking to me, I told him that I am afraid people will not like me because I don´t want to sit or eat with them, maybe they will think I am aloof or that I don´t like them. He said "noo, I don´t think so, I never thought this about you". But some people are just nice. It depends on the people. And in the end, there are maybe some families who can put up with me being a little weird, accept me this way. At least I know people who can do this are really good people. In the end it´s better staying only with people who are good? But these families will be in minority I think. Till I find one, I will be fired by the agency as I was last time .

 

[danstelter]

Thank you so much everyone. Dan,
I love every peice of your advice.

That's what I'm here for. Another thing that might be helpful is to remind your boyfriend that he will have to patient with you because this is a difficult struggle for you, and not to scare you, but it is a lifelong condition. The condition can improve with help from others and let your boyfriend know specific things he says that irritate your anxiety and specific things he does say and can say that help to alleviate your anxiety. Remind him you cannot recover from anxiety all on your own; you need help from him and others. Good luck!

 

[jennismortal]

I think..Break Up Anxiety is common and it is due to the fact people have trouble coping with change. A break up is a serious alteration of one's life routine. This leaves us with a series of unknowns and people tend to become anxious. Coping with break up anxiety can be simple if you alter your perception of what has happened.A break up does not have to be a negative thing. A break up can be a positive. Yes this is true. Most relationships have lost their romance months prior to them ending.