Anxiety - Can we live a normal life with it?

[MrHappy]

I've shied away from my anxiety since it developed about 7 years ago. When it began to affect my work and my relationship with my girlfriend I'd had enough and I decided to face up to it.

I sought help my a councellor who was no help whatsoever, more patronising than anything.

Anxiety about social situations has caused my social skills to deteriorate and I find myself losing the friends that I do have and am terrified of losing my girlfriend again because of it. She doesn't understand it and how can I expect her to?

Has anyone experienced similar feelings?

Is is possible to learn to cope with this without it affecting and spoiling my life?

Would really like to hear from you if you do

 

[applesewer]

Yes, most definitely. If that’s what you want. But I also think that being different and having something unique to offer the world can be a good thing.

But as far as your everyday, general life activities go, i.e. like girlfriends and work I think the answer is in understanding. Personally I’m not convinced that facing your fears actually works with SAD. I might be wrong though, and if it works for you then that’s great, keep at it, but I’ve been facing my fears everyday of my life, I’ve had no choice but to, and yet I can still feel the same fear at the back of my head. The thing that helps me is understanding as much as I can about SAD and then learning to recognise when negative thoughts and fears are coming from the disorder, or when they’re genuine. I try to learn to differentiate between the two. Then I try to figure out what the right thing to do is in each situation, and just do it, despite my fear. Which I know is easier said than done, and these are just generalisations but this attitude works for me.

For example, about a week ago I got invited to a party tomorrow night. On the one hand I feel I should go because I don’t want to be rude, and I think they invited me cause they wanted to get to know me a bit better. But if I go I KNOW that I’ll be scared and uncomfortable the whole evening so nobody’s gonna get to know the REAL ME anyway. Plus the words “bring a bottle” on the invitation are scaring the crap out of me for some reason.
But on the other hand, it’s just a party, and if its purpose is getting to know each other, well there are other ways to do that. I usually see most of these people every week anyway, and just having little one on one chats with people every now and then I can handle, and I’m much closer to being the real me in those environments.

So this morning I caught up with the host and decided to just tell him (one on one!) that I didn’t mean to be rude but I have this condition called social anxiety disorder and would it be OK if I skipped the party cause I think it’s a bit too much for me to cope with. And he was totally fine with it! We actually carried on chatting for a bit and we ended up agreeing to meet up over the holidays cause he had lent me a load of recording equipment and he wanted to see how I was getting on!

This is actually kind of the opposite of what I said at the start, but anyway, I think it was the right thing to do for me. But I dunno if this kinda thing would work for everybody because I think that even if I didn’t have SAD I’d still be pretty independent and not too eager to socialise anyway. I dunno…I’ve written a bit much so I think I’ll end it here.

 

[MrHappy]

Thanks for replying, worrywort.

I think that facing the fears is important to prove to yourself that most of the worries that occur are exaggerated and unlikely to happen. Without facing it, I am 100% convinced that something terrible will happen or I will make a tit of myself. Logic goes out of the window. This is why if I explained my concerns and worries to a "normal" person they would sound bizarre.

I have found that very little goes wrong or I end up having a good night and blending in with every1 else invited. Yet this proof has not rid me of these bloody annoying feelings. I know I'm not leading my life to its full potential and it frustrates me. :x

Have you or anyone else tried these self-help books? do they work? cognitive behavior techniques etc? :?

 

[applesewer]

Yeah, actually you’re right! Facing your fears is a good thing. I think its important to prove to yourself that you can do anything you wanna do. It’s like earlier this year I needed some extra cash and for a while I seriously considered getting a job at McDonalds, i.e. my worst nightmare. Simply because I wanted to challenge myself…prove that anything is possible. Something else came up in the end but I guess what I was trying to say before was…umm…its like…having SAD, I like being alone, that’s what I wanna do. Rather than socialise and stuff. Sometimes it is important to get out there and I’m confident enough that I can do that when the time comes…but generally I don’t think you need to face your fears every time a fear arises. Or maybe that’s just something that works for me. I.e. every time I decline from party invitations I stay at home and I work on my music and art and that’s more enjoyable to me than socialising.

As for the self help books and CBT techniques I haven’t tried any yet but I’d really like to look into it, just for the extra understanding…I still have so many unanswered questions.

 

[MrHappy]

I can totally relate.

I used to really enjoy my own company. I used stay in and lose myself designing and creating web pages but people just saw me as being sad and I felt almost guilty for doing it because most people enjoy going out and socialising. I loved doing it.

I think you're right though, facing fears doesn't require to be done every time one arises, just enough so you dont miss out on things that you would really like to do but have declined from doing in the past.

I've started thinking that the older I get the more I'm going to miss out on things because of my anxiety. You only get one life and I'm quite determined to live to my potential and I dont want it to stop me.

I would recommend a book that I have bought, like you I have so many unanswered questions.

its called "Mind Over Mood: Cognitive Treatment Therapy Manual for Clients" ISBN: 0898621283

You can buy it from amazon.co.uk

Whatever way we're to deal with it, the most important thing is that we are happy.

 

[applesewer]

Agreed.
I’ll definitely check out that book. Just found another one at my local library called

“overcoming social anxiety: a self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques”

Not sure if its any good but I think I’ll check it out too.

Cheers for the tip!

 

[MrHappy]

Agreed.
I’ll definitely check out that book. Just found another one at my local library called

“overcoming social anxiety: a self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques”

Not sure if its any good but I think I’ll check it out too.

Cheers for the tip!

overcoming social anxiety was the first book i bought, it doesn't go in to as much detail as the mind over mood one but was definately a help, very comforting and encouraging. It did help me get my head around what its all about.

Glad you're giving it a try, its good.

Did you do a personal story, wort? It would be interesting to know a bit of background to your feelings?

If its personal just tell me to bog off and I will do I'm intruiged to know how many symptoms are consistant between individuals.

Anyone else?

 

[applesewer]

I don’t think the personal story thing is working on this site…it says module isn’t active or something? I did write a little personal story on this other board here, but I don’t think I talk about my feelings much.

Its funny actually cause I think I’ve been thinking along the same lines as you lately…I’m really intrigued to know how much about myself is connected to SAD or independent of it. I’ve been making a little list in my head:

1. I talk to myself. Although I have done all my life…so has my mum (I think) and she doesn’t have social problems so not sure about this one! Might just be a me thing.
2. Can’t make eye contact
3. My legs go to jelly if I feel someone’s watching me when I walk. I probably walk exactly the same but I feel like I’m walking like Mr soft from the Trebor mints ads.
4. Uncomfortable in front of camera’s
5. I hate opening presents on bdays and xmas. Everybody watching and judging my reaction to their gift, expecting me to look ecstatic…when, even if I feel ecstatic, a weird kind of nervous grin will fill my face
6. I love expressing myself through music and art and I love thinking deeply about things. I think these are results of SAD.

And there’s probably loads more, like the obvious, if I’m in a group and I open my mouth and the room goes quiet and listens to me, the immense pressure I feel, it’s like I’m deciding the fate of the universe.

But anyway, how about you? Have you done a personal story? What kind of symptoms do you feel?

 

[MrHappy]

"I’m really intrigued to know how much about myself is connected to SAD or independent of it."

Since I actually face up to what I suffer from I've looked into various conditions and tried to pin point what mine is. The result of my research is that I cannot find one that defines what I suffer from and its difficult for me to get my head around.

I like maths and science, my job is maths based and there's always a correct answer to a problem or puzzle. When I can't find a specific condition that describes "me" its hard for me to understand. Am I anxious about social situations or about other things? Is anxiety a form of paranoia or are they linked? I've come to accept that people suffer from the same symptoms but also have unique symptoms. I'm a person with SAD, yes; but I'm also anxious about other things too.

For example, in response to your list this is how i fair:

1. I talk to myself. Although I have done all my life…so has my mum (I think) and she doesn’t have social problems so not sure about this one! Might just be a me thing. <<-- I dont know if you mean talk to yourself aloud but I talk to myself constantly with internal monologue. I went to see a councellor about my anxiety for a couple of sessions. He asked me, "Do hear voices in your head or have unwanted thoughts?" I asked him how I differentiate between voices in my head or talking to myself. He couldn't answer me, infact he was stumped. I do it all the time and wind myself up.

2. Can’t make eye contact <<-- this definately in a social situation, I dont want to make eye contact with anyone, I dont want confrontations.

3. My legs go to jelly if I feel someone’s watching me when I walk. I probably walk exactly the same but I feel like I’m walking like Mr soft from the Trebor mints ads. <<-- We have an open plan office in work, if I have to walk from one side of the office to the other I'm so conscious of how I'm walking, whether my back is straight, whether I look camp or whatever. :wink:

4. Uncomfortable in front of camera’s <<-- uncomfortable, only because I am the most unphotogenic person around. Handsome but do not take a good photo. I hate 'em

5. I hate opening presents on bdays and xmas. Everybody watching and judging my reaction to their gift, expecting me to look ecstatic…when, even if I feel ecstatic, a weird kind of nervous grin will fill my face. <<-- not this one personally

6. I love expressing myself through music and art and I love thinking deeply about things. I think these are results of SAD. <<-- I love music that contains lyrics I can relate to.

I've rambled on and on I know, but its felt really good to get it off my chest.

 

[racheH]

Anxiety about social situations has caused my social skills to deteriorate and I find myself losing the friends that I do have and am terrified of losing my girlfriend again because of it. She doesn't understand it and how can I expect her to?

Has anyone experienced similar feelings?

Yes that's happened to me, except the girlfriend thing. I still had the social skills I think, I was just scared that they would be rejected so I hid them, sometimes knowing full well that the result would be worse rejection than if I responded normally. Maybe my thought processes became more like in Avoidant Personality Disorder, because I'd go as far as deliberately making myself seem stranger than I really was and say things I knew would cause that kind of judgement, but I haven't decided on why yet, and I've never had an expert assess me so I don't know. I've got several theories...hmm I should put them to people on here some time.

Maybe you could show your girlfriend information about SP that's written in a way non-sufferers can understand - there's some on the internet. This one's my favourite: http://www.socialphobia.org/fact.html
I pretended I didn't have the fears I had all my life, because I thought people would think it too weird and not understand, and I definately do not recommend avoiding explaining it, because people will try to understand anyway and probably completely misinterpret the way you behave.

 

[applesewer]

I like maths as well, I think very logically. But I doubt that has anything to do with SAD, which makes me think…after reading several posts in this forum it seems to me like everybody has their own unique variation of social anxiety. People feel anxiety in different social situations. It kind of seems to me like SAD is just a label that the science world concocted to help organise and group a whole bunch of people. Which can actually be dangerous cause people might start defining themselves by this label when in truth they are unique…they have their own label for a group that has just one member…themselves. It’s like sometimes I swear I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies and autistic characteristics but I only have 1 or 2 symptoms, never enough to be actually diagnosed.

This actually brings me back quite nicely to your first post – what is normal? I don’t think there is such a thing as normal (at least there shouldn’t be). If everybody in the world is different then how can there be a normal person? The answer is by culture and the media creating a normal person, and then having people peer pressured into following that norm.

Anyway, I’m not sure this will help you much in finding a specific condition that defines “you” because I’m beginning to think that there is no such condition. We’re all unique, that’s what I think!

 

[MrHappy]

A logical mind doesn't have anything to do with SA, it just frustrated me in realising that there isn't a finely calculated answer to explain the way I feel.

Your latest reply is very comforting to me. I have OCD symptoms but know that I wouldn't be diagnosed with it. I also think that your comment about labelling people is right, there are so many people who suffer with all or just some of the symptoms related to SA. The "picklist" for SA is so vast that the a lot of people fall within the brackets.

I am finding that these forums help a lot. We're all educating each other and helping each other relate to and understand our feelings.

 

[BuzzSaw]

I like what you all say. When I was in school they had me go see a psychologist and he said I had Social Anxiety Disorder, but seeing this person didn't help. I felt more anxious seeing the Psych than going to school, but now I don't go to school anymore, but spend my time surfing the itnernet and playing online games. Just coming to a site like this makes me anxious. I think everyone thinks I'm a jackass.

 

[Fredscars]

1. I talk to myself. Although I have done all my life…so has my mum (I think) and she doesn’t have social problems so not sure about this one! Might just be a me thing.<<- you have no idea how good it is to hear you say that, i talk to myself, in my head..like complete conversations..like mrhappy said, i dont know if theyre spearate voices, or myself or whatever..
2. Can’t make eye contact<<- i find it difficult to do so, though i can with close people. my teacher, when he found out about my problem was trying to talk to me, and make me promise to tell my parents. He forced me to look him in the eye, i burst in to tears.
3. My legs go to jelly if I feel someone’s watching me when I walk. I probably walk exactly the same but I feel like I’m walking like Mr soft from the Trebor mints ads.<<- i forget how to walk, literally. i jsut cant remember. my bf finds it halarious. i do not.
4. Uncomfortable in front of cameras<<- to a certain extent but thats only because i know im going to look rediculous when on the photo
5. I hate opening presents on bdays and xmas. Everybody watching and judging my reaction to their gift, expecting me to look ecstatic…when, even if I feel ecstatic, a weird kind of nervous grin will fill my face<<- i get nervous, cos i know my face will give away stuff.
6. I love expressing myself through music and art and I love thinking deeply about things.<<- i like music and lyrics, but i cannot put myself into music or create my own, if you get me.i can sopend hours thinking "deeply" about stuff

 

[applesewer]

I’m liking this thread too. So, for sake of keeping it going so I can think some more!;

To Mr Happy (great username btw!!!), what kind of OCD symptoms do you have, if you don’t mind answering?!
For me, I dunno if these are connected to OCD, but things like I wear the same clothes everyday…the only thing I change is underwear and I have about 5-10 differenent tshirts. Same jeans, trainers, jacket, scarf and hat everyday for years!
Plus, they’re all very dull colours….think that might be an SAD thing. Also, I’m the same with routines, I buy the exact same shopping every week and eat the same foods everyday. Plus, there’s lots of other little routines I do too. And it does rattle me quite a bit when a routine gets interrupted for whatever reason.

To Buzzsaw…so do I! I constantly worry that other people dislike me, or that I’ve come across wrong and they’ll think I’m a jackass or something. I guess you just gotta keep being yourself.

To Fredscarecrow…I love that you burst into tears!!! I find that really attractive for some reason?!!


And to RacheH….If you’re still reading, I’d love to hear some of your theories! (no worries if not!)

 

[MrHappy]

I suppose my OCD may seem quite mild really but a right pain in the ass to me.

I've got a thing about being clean. I wash my hands like twice every time. I was my hands before going to the bathroom and after. I wont put my fingers or whatever near my mouth unless I'm confident they've been cleaned thoroughly. It drives people mad.

I also have a thing about checking plug sockets to make sure i've turned them off before going to bed, checking the front door or car door is locked. I mean checking multiple times !

I've been looking at SA forums now for a week or two now and I've learned loads about myself and anxiety. Bravo to the people who started these things.

Worrywort, you been looking this stuff up for a while? (As I write this post, tis the first time i've logged on and you've not been online!) :wink:

 

[Fredscars]

i dont have any kind of ocd, though i have a few stupid habits..
like when going somewhere in a car i will watch thepavement, whenever we pas a patch of gra i hold my breath, then breathe again when we reach the pavement. i dont know why i do this, i just do. sometimes, when we are passing houses ther will be driveways so its like
grass, driveway,grass,driveway etc..and so i can only breathe in time with them.odd, and stupid. but hey


lol worrywort..the fact that i burst into tears...i dunno..i find it embaressing..but i dunno.lol

 

[applesewer]

LOL! Really?!…yea, I’ve been a bit obsessed with the board of late. But I only found it a coupla weeks ago. Before that I’d only found a few SAD information website’s, plus I think about it everyday almost. I just thought I’d try searching in google for “social anxiety forums” and this site popped up. But I feel like I’ve learnt loads already after only reading a handful of posts. It really is a great place this forum.

Something what makes me wonder is WHY we feel the way we feel. I.e. why do you clean your hands all the time? And why do I live the same routines everyday? Is it a reaction to something that happened in the past? Our upbringing or something? Or were we born like it…i.e. its just the way our brains are wired? And is it fixable…or more importantly, does it actually need to be fixed? Is it a part of who we are?

Cause actually, reading these posts, I think that it’s the little things, and the weaknesses that people have that are actually the most attractive parts to our characters. They’re the best bits.

I still don’t know why we feel better for doing these things though?!

 

[MrHappy]

Well, I haven't always been this was so I believe I have changed somewhere down the line. Why I have changed I dont think I will ever know but I dont think I have changed for the better.

I would like to lose these seemingly ridiculous habits and be able to be a social, fun and interesting person.

I have become a wee bit of an addict to these things.

I check this site at least once every day and the other one that I visit.

It really does help