Kaekae
Well-known member
Lately I've been on somewhat of a journey of self-realisation. I've been trying to re-visit all the places that caused me grief in the past and the things that led to me having anxiety.
My first realisation is that my brother dying wasn't my fault. To cut a long story short when I was 10 my mother got pregnant again by a man that I didn't like. It was about three years after my dad left and I wasn't happy with this new father figure. I remember telling my mom that I didn't want the baby to be born. As I recall, she ended up losing the baby and I was told that it was my fault because I wished him dead. She spiralled out of control and I took a lot of physical and emotional abuse over it.
Fast forward 15 years on the anniversary of his death- My mom sent me a picture of his scan photo over whatsapp. She went into the story about what happened that caused his death - Apparently they'd been told he had a congenital heart condition and they had to choose whether to carry on with the pregnancy or to terminate. They chose the latter. That's when it finally dawned on me that it wasn't my fault. I mean, of course I knew it wasn't ever really my fault, I didn't do anything that would have physically caused his death.
I feel sorry for my mom, especially since I have my own child now. I can imagine how hard it would be to go through that; It must have been the most difficult decision in the world to make. She just let it eat away at her and pointed the finger at other people to make herself feel better. Anyway, I digress, I'm just grateful that I no longer have to shoulder the blame for something that I didn't cause.
My first realisation is that my brother dying wasn't my fault. To cut a long story short when I was 10 my mother got pregnant again by a man that I didn't like. It was about three years after my dad left and I wasn't happy with this new father figure. I remember telling my mom that I didn't want the baby to be born. As I recall, she ended up losing the baby and I was told that it was my fault because I wished him dead. She spiralled out of control and I took a lot of physical and emotional abuse over it.
Fast forward 15 years on the anniversary of his death- My mom sent me a picture of his scan photo over whatsapp. She went into the story about what happened that caused his death - Apparently they'd been told he had a congenital heart condition and they had to choose whether to carry on with the pregnancy or to terminate. They chose the latter. That's when it finally dawned on me that it wasn't my fault. I mean, of course I knew it wasn't ever really my fault, I didn't do anything that would have physically caused his death.
I feel sorry for my mom, especially since I have my own child now. I can imagine how hard it would be to go through that; It must have been the most difficult decision in the world to make. She just let it eat away at her and pointed the finger at other people to make herself feel better. Anyway, I digress, I'm just grateful that I no longer have to shoulder the blame for something that I didn't cause.