an anxiety theory--can you relate to this?

[savage_beagle]

I come from a family where my father and brothers have anxiety and various forms of depression. My father was/is the negative and criticizing type, a person who just knew how to provide the basics to his family and not much more. As a young child, i oftened heard and saw my father argue and criticize with my mother and brothers, stopped speaking to her on and off, threatening to leave her, putting her down. Never once did he show any affection to my mother, no kisses, no hand holding, not caring or acknowledging birthdays or anniversaries. The man held grudges and many times he and one of my brothers stopped talking. So, i was always in fear. Fear that one day he explode in rage against my brothers and or my mom, or leave our mother. My older brothers took on the father role, as i was basically a fatherless kid. My brain (mind/thought process) was shaped by what i saw and heard, and it reacted in fear....the daily /nightly exposure to a very highly dysfunctional family combined with a lack of love and guidance . In midlife, i now find myself trying to change my thinking and to become the person i want to be. Does any of this make sense to any of you and can any here relate to my experiences?

 

[IceLad]

Yes definitely. I think the way my family has turned out has played a key role in causing my social phobia. My parents separated when I was young and they was always at war with one another. One parent always criticized me, my elder sibling bullied me quite often, so it was eventually imprinted in my brain that I didn't matter, and people could do what they like to me.

So yes definitely, and like you, I am currently changing my thoughts (using the Dr Richards audio therapy series) to become the person I want to be. I've lost enough time to social phobia already.

 

[Snowcrash]

Yeah, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were a brother of mine...

1- I've got the critical father

2- Got the mom with depression and maybe SA, but she passed away before I ever knew there was such a thing as SA so we never spoke of it.

3- Grew up with the constant fighting and bickering

4- My father and I hold grudges towards each other - (I say we because I still can't seem to work this out of my personality - I'm at a point in my life where I have a hard time forgiving him for many things - some worse than others - those are grudges I guess. But then if I let those things go, he'd say something along the lines of "I see you finally came to your senses" See what I mean? He wouldn't take it that I had forgiven him, only that I finally agreed that he was right all along...)

5- Lack of love and guidance, check that too. Like you said, we had food on the table and a roof over our head.... but is that all a kid needs? Any time I ever had a problem of some sort, I'd get an answer like, "Don't worry about it, it's a stupid problem, it won't matter next year"

So yes, all that makes perfect sense to me and I can completely relate to it. Only advice I can give is to get distance from it. Somewhere along the way I realized I would be very happy with the person I was if I behaved almost completely opposite of my father. Where he was uncaring I would be caring, things he valued I would not, ideas he believed I would reject. It works surprisingly well in my case, and makes him crazy, but I don't really care about that. We are on speaking terms, but we are sadly uninterested in each other's lives. With that, other people have become more important in my life.

 

[Gloomy]

Your family sounds like a nice version of mine.

 

[jojosparkles]

totally in agreement.

my mam and dad have argued that much since i was young that its an every day occurence. its a constant oppresive atmosphere. they r no good for each other. my dad is an alcoholic and that fuels his cruel bullying side. he used to pick at my mam but now he does it to me. backs me in corners..threatens me and is basically a bully. if it werent for my mam he would have beat the shit out of me by now.

my mam is no better. she is very controlling. she has to kno everythin bout my life. i cant have any secrets. she goes thru my belongings..reads my letters..searches pockets etc. she even answers questions for me. i am also her darling daughter to everyone else. i have to look perfect, act perfect and b the best at everythin. i have to sacrafice my happiness to make her happy. its easier to do as it saves the hassle.

my mam and dad r extremely bad tempered. i have been called every name possible. my mam would wake me up in middle of night to shout at me for somethin silly. she would wake me up and shout at me and this would go on till i went to bed. i was a nervous wreck.

my mam also made me and my sis totally different ppl. she sed she loved my sister more than me. that caused alot of hurt and jealousy. i felt like i was in competition with my sister. she also tells my sister that i am prettier than her which is a blow to my sisters self esteem. again it causes problems. it made me and my sis very distant.

i coped with this for years but i fink it all got too much one day. i would wake up shakin with nerves..i would fear wakin up. my eating was the only thing i could control in my life and that started off an eating disorder. my slef esteem was shattered and then the sp developed.

 

[savage_beagle]

Snowcrash, i read your reply and i agree with you on many points. I started to smarten up in my mid 20's, and i became a ''studier'' of people. What i mean by that is, i closed my mouth and opened my ears and eyes as i observed and interacted with others around me. These people became my role models and teachers in human interaction. It could have been a c0-worker, a neighbour, a clerk at a video store..the point is, i would observe and take the good qaulities i admired and wished i could be like. Regarding your doing the opposite of your father's actions...that is excellent! I do and continue to do the same...i look back on past experiences on how he would of said or done something, and i try not to repeat his past. Its an ongoing learning experience, to change for the better. I may have been raised by a jerk, but that doesnt mean i have to follow in his footsteps....anything is possible with the right attitude and the will and determination to succeed. Stay positive and optimistic, its the only way to live and think...trust me on that. :wink: