All my problems, advice please! (a little long)

DarkWarriorXII

DarkWarriorXII

New member
Here's some information about me. Hopefully some people here can give me some advice. I have a lot to say, so please bear with me.

First, let me say that I'm going to be a senior in high school this school year. My current job is working as a camp counselor at a camp. I love it. I work with 7-year-old boys.

I'm not outgoing at all. I'm a very quiet, shy person. I think I might have SA or something like it, although I've never gone to a doctor or anything. I don't talk a lot, even with family. For example, when my parents ask me how camp was today, I'll tell them "good." That's about it. When they ask me how the kids behaved, I'll say "good, I guess." So then they ask if they misbehaved or anything and I say "yeah." The thing is, I love talking about camp. But for some reason, I can't bring myself to say more than a couple words when I answer the questions. I'd love to tell them stories and everything, and I know they'd love to hear it, but I can't bring myself to do this. Most situations are similar to this. Whenever anyone asks me a question, for the most part, I give answers like above. And to tell you the truth, most of the time I'd love to have a conversation, but I can't bring myself to do so. And then when we're done talking, I re-think the conversation, with me saying what I wanted to say. Then I just get annoyed at myself. Why didn't I just say what I wanted to say in the first place? How come I can't bring myself to put my thoughts into words? How come the only good conversations I have are forced. It's true. Sometimes I force myself to keep talking. The only people I can hold normal conversations with, for reason I haven't figured out, are children. I think that's why I enjoy working there so much. For some reason, I become outgoing around kids. Yet I'm still not with the other counselors in my bunk. But I'm really talkative and outgoing with the kids. Is that strange or is it just me?

At camp, we're encouraged to talk to the division heads (basically our bosses) about problems and areas of concern we've noticed in our bunk. But I can never approach my division head to tell her this stuff. I think the main reason is because I can't find a way to bring it up without just directly saying "I noticed that... is a problem" or something like that. But that doesn't seem like a good way to approach this. I'd rather start talking to her about other things and gradually bring this topic into the conversation. But again, my problem with not keeping up a conversation stops me from doing this. How can I go about approaching her to talk about the problems and whatnot in the bunk? And just so you know, I'm very comfortable around her; she's a very nice lady who's willing to listen. I just can't force myself to talk to her.

One of my other problems is with meeting people I know in places I don't normally see them (outside of school or something). For example, someone I know works at an Italian restaurant in town. We often take out pizzas from there. But I never want to pick up the pizza because I don't want to have to meet him and say hi. We're not friends, but we're friendly. I know him, and he knows me. There are some other similar situations. How do I overcome a situation like this? Similarly, I don't always like going to public places in general, in fear of seeing people I know and having to say hi. For example, I sometimes don't like going out to dinner at local restaurants because I'm afraid I'll see someone I know. How can I overcome this?

Another small problem I have is with the phone. I hate calling people. Whenever I have to call someone, I'll dial all the digits, but when it comes to the last digit, it takes me a while to hit the button (because I know that's the beginning of the interaction). How can I fix this problem?

Thanks for taking the time to read this! I hope someone here can help.
 
sabbath92001

sabbath92001

Banned
Hey Dave, I love classic rock too.

I think it's cool that you are helping kids at camp. Talking to authority figures and peers is difficult for me too. Maybe you can try Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help you. ACT says use your values to get through anxiety. So for example, you'd remember that you value talking to people and helping kids when you need to talk to a division head about anything or nothing at all. ACT also says we should focus on what's going on around us and not within us when we get nervous.

Talking on the phone is hard for me sometimes too. Again think of your values when you need or want to make a call. Yoda (from Star Wars) once said something like "there is no try, only do". ACT teaches us that we can't control our thoughts or feelings but we can control our arms, legs and mouth. Don't try to make a phone call, make it and then do your best.

Maybe in your spare time you can read "Living Beyond Your Pain" or "Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life", these ACT books are easy to read and have lots of helpful hints.

Rock On buddy!
 
Jack-B

Jack-B

Well-known member
Dave,

Thanks for sharing that with us, you do have a lot to say and its awesome!

How can you fix this problem?

Firstly, you need to correctly identify the problem.

As with all anxiety and negative states of mind you must realise that it is a state of mind. The problem isn't other people or even talking to other people. Situations are not the cause of the problem, having to talk in front of a million people naked isnt the problem. The problem is the mind that arises which causes anxiety and feelings of fear. What this means is that you aren't really afraid of anyone or anything. This does mean however that when this negative mind arises it creates aversion for situations and people etc and then they seem to be 'the problem'.

All social phobia's come about in the same way. Not identifying the real problem. So we see people and situations as the problem, then we want to avoid them because our problem arises funnily enough when they are present, this causes other negative states of mind.

For simplicity we can call it the mind of anxiety although there are many sub divisions and other types of mind that appear. When this mind of anxiety appears to us, we feel afraid, we become self conscious, we negatively evaluate ourself and everyone around us, it makes us feel bad. So what happens is that we can't function properly when this mind is present, we cant enjoy ourself and relax, it's not always present which is why we would rather avoid it, this is what we really want to avoid.

No one on this site is afraid of talking or being around others, contrary to eveyones belief. They are however scared senseless of how they feel when they are 'out of control' or in a state of anxiety, this is what everyone really wants to avoid, not avoiding converstaion and so on. Everyone here would love to be able to talk to others freely, wouldn't they?

Once you identify the problem, the mind of anxiety, you can then stop negatively evaluating situations and yourself, you can then blame this mind of anxiety for nearly everything that goes wrong in your life. A state of mind isn't who you are yet you identify strongly with it so it seems like you are part of 'the problem' but you arent the problem so there is no need ever to evaluate yourself in a negative way when you feel anxious ever again. If you see this clearly, most of your 'problems' will dissappear.

This is the first step. "this is the mind of anxiety" or "anxiety is appearing to my mind" - this is the real problem. This is the mind that sends all of us crazy with fear, avoiding situations and people. This is the mind that robs us of all our mental freedom.

How do we overcome the mind of anxiety?

A good way of overcoming anxiety, especially for people who deal with it regularly is to see it in others. The mind of anxiety keeps us prisoner to how everyone else is feeling, we dont realise others feel the same. The truth is this:

Every single person you meet has an uncontrolled mind, controlled by anxiety, fear and full of negative desires. Hardly anyone has any mental freedom and is in a degree of constant mental pain.

See this in others and wish them to be free of it, just like you do.

These two simple points, identifying the problem and seeing that everyone else also suffers from it will help in your understanding of what really is going on in your mind.

If you or anyone needs further help with this please let me know.

Jack
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top