Sarey
New member
This could possibly trigger some, so please be safe while viewing.
The story of a girl trapped in her own mind..
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Oh not today, please not today, Sian says to herself.
Sian looks in the mirror, staring back at her is the image she thought she would never see again. Fat reflects, all over her body. I thought i smashed all the mirrors in this room! she screams to herself. Quickly, as no one looks, she smashes it apart, and throws rapidly in the bin. There, that ought to do it!, Sian says to herself.
The clock ticks, and tocks, Sian looks up at it, she gasps, time passed by as she stood in the mirror glaring at herself. She quickly grabs a grape or two, and rushes off to school. As she enters the classroom, the whole room stares at her. Sian stands infront of the teacher explaining she fell over on the way to school and was very sorry. The teacher dismissed her, and Sian quietly sat at her desk. The teacher hands out everyone there individual test and sets the timer. 'Ready, children?' the teacher asks. She clicks the timer on, and awaits the buzzer to go off.
'Bzzzzzzzzzzzz' the alarm screeches. 'Right children, please finish the question you are on and remain seated until the bell rings' the teacher shouts over the alarm. Sian sits, covering up her stomach with her hands, clenching it trying to pull the fat out. Thinking and wondering if others can see the fat through her jumper, she daydreams....
'DING DING' the bell alarms. 'Right children, please pass your papers to the front of the class and you may then leave once all are collected' the teacher says. Sian collects the person behinds paper, and stands up to give to the person infront, suddenley, her stomach shows while straining to pass it to the person. She gasps at the sight of it, she quickly covers it, and looks around to see if anyone seen it. 'Here' she says quietly to the person as she passes the papers.
Running into the playground, she sits alone at the steps, tears form and drop as she sees other girls skinnier than her doing gymnastics. 'Why me, why must i be this shape, i truly hate it!' she mumbles to herself.
'Hey, HEY SIAN!' Jess screams. 'Hey, Jess' Sian replies. 'Why are you so figity?' Jess asks. 'No reason, i just feel a bit edgey today, thats all', Sian replies with a smile. 'Oh ok, want to play on the skipping rope for a while?' Jess asks. 'Um, no, but you can, ill watch you', Sian replies with a forced giggle.
Jess takes the skipping rope from the box by the school door, and runs back to Sian with it. 'I bet i can do 50!' Jess says and giggles uncontrollably. 'Lets see then, this should be a laugh', Sian replies, smiling with her teeth showing. Jess skips to 10, 20, 25, 28, she falls. 'Ha, almost, 2 more and you'd of done it, eh?', Sian says and giggles. 'I'd like to see you try and do better!' Jess angrily mumbles. 'What was that?', Sian asks. 'Oh, nothing', Jess replies with a cheeky smile.
'Bzzzzzzzzzzzz' the alarm sounds. 'Breaktime over girls, come on, chop chop, in you go!', the teacher shouts.
'Oh no, not math!' Jess moans. 'Go on, i'll catch you before lunch', Sian pats Jess' back. 'Ok, see you', Jess shouts at Sian running down the corridor to her next lesson.
'Your late, this is the second lesson you've been late to today, Sian, get a grip of yourself, if you are late next time you will be given detention, understand me?' the teacher strictly shouts as Sian arrives 3 minutes after due time. 'Yes ma'am, sorry', Sian looks down.
'Get to your seat immediatly!' the teacher screams at Sian.
Sian places herself in her seat, and awaits the assignment. 'Class, today we are going to learn about the human body'. Oh great, be thankful its not my body on the chart, the paper wouldnt be big enough for my shape, Sian whispers to herself. Time goes on as Sian daydreams about herself being skinny, and modelling. Sian says to herself I will not eat another single thing, until my body is skinnier than the models i see in magazines.
As the days pass, the food fills the cuboards.
'Why are you not eating, Sian?' Sians mum asks her as she arrives from school. 'I do eat, i eat at school, and i just had a really big takeaway!', Sian replies. 'Oh, ok, well, be sure to eat breakfast tommorow lovey, you need the energy' Sians mum says firmly. 'I will, dont worry', Sian replies uncertainly.
'Where are you going?', Sians mum asks Sian. 'Nowhere, just to Jess', we are going to bake some cookies for tommorows funfair at school!', Sian replies. 'Be sure to eat some, they will taste lovely coming from my number one cook!', Sians mum smiles as she opens the door for Sian. 'Have fun!', Sians mums shouts. 'I WILL!', Sian screams back half way up the street.
Slowly, Sian browses the shop. She says to herself, I cant believe i lied like that. She buys a load of junk, preparing for tonight. She runs home, sneaks upstairs into her room, taking the mirror out, putting it on the floor, grabbing the bin, scoffing the junk into her mouth, trying to shut her growling stomach up. She chews, and chews, and swollows. Oh god, im so scared, Sian says to herself. She gets her two fingers, opens her mouth, pulls the bin near her, and looks in the mirror... tears run down her face as she purges the food up, choking, instantly gagging at each purge she attempts. I swear, if its the last thing i do, i will be beautiful and thin! Sian says to herself. Getting rid of the contents in the bin from her stomach, she wipes her face and weighs herself. Why am i so much? Sian says to herself with uncertainty.
Days, months pass, and the starvation continues, the purging continues, the weighing, the counting calories, the diets, the exercising constantly, all continues... 'Bzzzzzz' Sians alarm buzzes. 'Oh dammit, im late!' Sian shouts. She quickly puts her clothes on, and rushes to school. She enters the classroom, and suddenley, she feels dizzy. 'Im.. sorry.... im....' Sian passes out, and faints on the floor. 'Sian?' , the teacher asks Sian. 'Sian, this is no time for jokes!', the teacher says. 'Someone get the nurse!', the teacher shouts. 'NOW!', the teacher screams. The class all run to the medical room and shout that Sian has fainted and they need the nurse. 'Sian, Sian can you hear me?', the teacher asks as she kneels down next to Sian. 'What happened here?!', the nurse asks. 'Sian came in, and she fainted, i have no idea why!', the teacher explains nervously. 'Ok, stand aside', the nurse demands. The nurse kneels and checks for Sians pulse. 'Shes quite pale', the nurse says with concern. 'Her pulse is rapid... call an ambulance, NOW!', the nurse demands.
The ambulance arrives, they strap Sian up, and take her to the hospital. She is placed in the ward, and is oberserved for the night. She awakes in the morning... where am i? Sian thinks to herself.
She tries to get up, but her bones give in and she lies back down. Why cant i get up? What happened? Whats wrong with me? Sian questions herself. The nurses come and check on her. They smile, and ask how shes feeling. 'I feel... weak and sick', Sian replies.'Well, dear, you will for awhile, we know what your doing', the nurses say. 'What im doing? What am i doing?', Sian questions.'Sian, hunny, starving yourself and making yourself sick, you havent ate in months, thats why you are here today, like this', the nurses reply with a quick smile. 'How would you know? I made myself sick once, and its not been months, i counted, i remember counting, i dont miscount!', Sian replies with anger. 'You did, your mother has kept an eye on you, alot, shes heard you making yourself sick several times, she tries her best to take care of you sweetie, i dont understand why a pretty girl such as yourself would do this', the nurse replies with tears forming in her eyes. 'Well, pretty, no, fat, yes, have you seen the fat on me?', Sian replies with tears already dropping from her face. 'Hunny, you've lost so much, you are not fat, you weigh less than the average weight!', the nurse raises her voice with tears dropping. The nurse refills the fluids. 'What are you doing? Dont do that, get off them!', Sian screams. Sian hits the nurse and tries to escape. 'SECURITY!', the nurse shouts, as she buzzes the alarm. Security restrain Sian as she tries to get out of bed. 'GET OFF ME!', Sian screams. 'Sian, we are doing this for your own good, im sorry', the nurse quietly tells Sian as she sticks a needle in her arm and injects with fluid. 'You'll... regret.... this....', Sian says just as she falls asleep.
'Where is she? Is she ok? I want to see her, i need to see her!' Sians mum worriedly says to the nurses. 'This way, ma'am, your daughter, Sian, is sleeping, you may be with her for a bit, but when she wakes, we must warn you, she may be violent, but we will be watching her and you, dont worry, she will be fine', the nurse warns her. The nurse leads her to the bed Sian lays on. 'Oh hunny', Sians mum quietly whispers. Placing herself on the chair next to Sians bed, she takes her hand, covered with tubes, and holds. 'Sian, hunny, if you can hear me, im so sorry, i love you, your my special, beautiful girl, i didnt know this would happen, i should of helped you', Sians mum says quietly to Sian, blaming herself for all the problems Sian has. Time passes, and the medicene wares off. 'Mummy?', Sian says quietly as she opens her eyes. 'Sian? Oh Sian, my baby girl, my darling!', Sians mum says with shock and happiness that shes awake, and hugs her like theres no tommorow. Oh god, my stomachs showing! Sian says to herself. 'Mum, please, its only been 3 days', Sian says sarcasticly, covering her stomach up, she asks 'Mum, whats happening to me? Why am i here?'. 'Hunny, rest now, you need it, ill go speak to the doctors', Sians mum replies. Sians mum kisses Sians forehead, and gives her hand a squeeze before leaving the bed. 'Love you hunny', Sians mum whispers to her.
'Nurse, whats happening to my daughter?', Sians mum asks. 'Im afraid we need to tell you something', the nurse replies. 'Please, do go through', the nurse leads Sians mum into the councilling room, where three doctors sit, awaiting her arrival. 'Ah, hello, finally we meet', the doctor says. 'Well, regarding Sians condition...', Sians mum interupts 'Condition?', 'Yes', the doctor replies, 'Sian as you may see, has lost alot of weight, and has been doing it through certain worrying methods. Starvation, purging, ect. There is a name for this. Sian has Anorexia Nervosa', the doctor says directly to Sians mum. 'Your saying, that my daughter, Sian, has anorexia?', Sians mum replies. 'Yes, we are very sorry to do this, but she will need to be hospitaliazed until her weight is at least average, and she starts eating again', the doctor announces.
'Of course, Sians health and safety must be controlled, but, shes my daughter!', Sians mum says with a tear dripping down her eye. 'We understand that, but your daughter could die from this ma'am, and we need to do this for her safety', the doctor says with a frown. 'Ok, i understand', Sians mum says, crying in her hands. 'We will need to take her immediatly, and she will need to have a say in this too', the doctor says.
Sians mum sniffles, as she walks over to Sians bed. 'Sian, hunny, can you tell me, what you think of yourself?', Sians mum asks. 'I think im... i think im... fat... and ... ugly... disgraceful.. horrible..gross...', Sian pauses in disgust with herself, and closes her eyes to avoid looking at herself, aswell as her mum. 'Sian, sweetie, you have a disorder, you have anorexia nervosa', Sians mum quietly tells Sian. 'I have what? No way, im fat, look, cant you see it, im fat!', Sian shouts and pulls the covers off, as she does, she punches her mum in the face. 'Mum, im... im sorry, i didnt mean too, i didnt, i really didnt, im sorry, i am, im sorry!', Sian screams, and cries. 'Its ok, its fine, really, it is, your to weak to hurt me anyway hunny', Sians mum says reassuring Sian. Weak? What is she on about? Sian says to herself.
Sian gets sectioned into the hospital the next day, and after 3 months of submission, she accepts her disorder. 'Im sorry for everything, i am, im sorry i didnt listen, i know im ill, but i cant see it', Sian says weakly. 'You will soon, dont worry, when you get better, you will see it', the nurse replies. Months pass, and each day is harder, but easier to see her true self for Sian. One day, she wakes up, goes into the bathroom, and she stares in the mirror. Her true image occurs. It flashes, back and fourth, to her true image, and the image anorexia has placed in her mind... the true image sticks for a while... and then flips back. What the... thats not me is it? Sian questions herself. She shuts her eyes, rubs them, and says to herself, this isnt happening, this ISNT happening! She opens her eyes, and she sees the true body image. She rubs her eyes, and blinks several times before staring at the image. Her ribs stick out, her stomach is flat, her cheek bones are visable, her hair has bold patches and straw thin, she sees her true self and her mouth drops at the sight of it. Im thin? I, i cant believe this, what is.. is this a dream? Or nightmare? Is this someone elses body? It cant be mine... Sian says to herself with worryness.
She said id see the true me, but i never knew this was the true me. Sian then sees flashes of her anorexic mind, and she gasps, she cries, she stutters, she curls up in the corner of the bathroom, and she waits...
'Sian? You ok in there?', the nurse asks... 'Sian, im coming in', the nurse shouts. She opens the door to find Sian curled up in the corner crying and shutting her eyes tightly. 'Sian!', the nurse shouts. 'Sian, whats wrong?', the nurse asks. 'I... i.. i seen what i really looked like, i seen it, i look.. i look awful.. im thin... i am thin.. i am happy... and at the same time.. shocked... i... i... it kept.. it kept going back to another image of me, far bigger and fatter, and i.. i just.. i cant handle this..', Sian says bursting into tears. 'Its ok, Sian, its ok', the nurse says as she pats her back. 'You'll be ok', the nurse says reassuring Sian. 'Sian, do you want us to help you get better?', the nurse asks. 'Oh.. oh.. yes.. yes please, i cant.. i cant stand this.. i feel so weak.. and sick.. and urgh', Sian replies, sniffling and rubbing her nose. 'We will help you, Sian, everythings going to be ok, dont worry, you will be ok, trust us, and we can help you', the nurse asks Sian. 'I... i trust you', Sian replies. 'Do this for me and your mum, and especially yourself', the nurse tells Sian. 'I will.. i... i will', Sian says determindly. 'Ill do this, if its the last thing i do, i will do this', Sian says, smiling and proud of herself. She stands up, and smiles to the nurse. Sian walks out of the bathroom, and says to herself, i will defeat your anorexia, you can take my body, but you cant take my soul or mind, thats mine forever, i will beat you, i will do this, and nothings going to stop me, not even you.
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I have longed too die,
and ive wondered why,
everytime i try,
the promise i tell myself,
turns into a lie.
i tried too kill myself tonight,
i wanted too walk into the light,
but my friend wouldnt let that happen,
that friend is a he,
and he loves me,
he wouldnt let me go,
he wouldnt let me sink that low,
he placed words into my head,
ill always remember what he said,
he told me how much he'd miss me,
how much he loves me,
how much hes done for me,
how life would be without me.
ive never felt so loved before,
my life is a war,
im just scared of loosing it,
so here i sit,
and tell about tonight,
he made me realiese,
killing myself isnt right,
but one day i might,
but when that day is here,
ill shred loads of tears,
but i know he will be with me,
and make me see,
that doing this too myself,
wont help.
He said he would help me,
but i guess ill just have too wait and see.
Tears slip down my eyes,
my life is full of filthy lies,
nomore of this young mistake,
my little mind is full of hate,
all day long,
being alive is wrong,
soon it will be right,
ill walk into the light,
ill be out of sight,
ill do it with all my might,
no more putting up with this fight,
dont be upset,
the date is set,
changing my mind i will not do,
not even for you,
the only thing thats on my mind,
is the only thing i cannot find,
and that is not to be shared,
i do not deserve to be cared,
my heart is teared,
as am i more than ever scared.
This poem has not a name,
these words have just came,
the anger i feel,
its just too much,
i cannot deal,
they have took my outlet away,
i cant even say,
what the pain feels like,
this just isnt right,
they dont understand not a single bit,
so here i sit,
writing this poem,
trying to explain,
about this pain,
life just doesnt make any sense too me,
i cant even see,
what my future holds,
except a dark road,
unless i end it all,
the only escape tool,
i will finally be at my eternal rest,
the thing that i want best,
im such a mess,
this pain isnt getting any less,
so i will soon be underground,
no sounds,
no pain,
blood not running through my veins,
i will finally be dead for all eternity,
but soon they will see,
i just couldnt handle it,
and i just couldnt fit.
So as i sit here and write this poem tonight,
i will soon be out of sight,
time is so precious and valid,
all these years i have hid,
but soon i wont need to hide,
and everyone that was by my side,
has just giveup on me anyway,
they dont understand what i want to say,
all i want to be is dead,
but soon ill be covered in red,
lying in my puddle of pain,
they will see me and think i was insane,
but they will never know,
about what i have always felt and so,
as i write these words,
im trying to write,
that i have never been heard.
Hurt, destroyed,
played and toyed,
messed, unloved,
this life is too tough,
hit, kick,
taking the mick,
no love, no care,
all alone and bare,
thoughts, feeling,
im not healing,
suicide death,
nothing left,
one tablet,
two tablet,
date is set,
which will soon be met,
three, four,
ill open that door,
five, six,
nomore kicks,
seven, eight,
i cannot be late,
nine, ten,
never again,
eleven, tweleve,
now ill leave this hell,
thirteen, fourteen,
nomore Sarah to be seen,
a dozen more,
this heart is tore,
gulping them all down,
nomore frown,
lying so still,
im taking the kill,
fading away,
on my final last day,
nomore me,
as you can see,
this life will be gone,
since im done,
goodbye,
i am a lie,
i want to die,
i do not even know why.
I search for the razor,
i take a seat,
opening the draws,
i find the think that will soon make me complete,
grabbing a knife,
i dig the blade out,
placing myself on a chair,
soon i shall remove all my doubt,
pulling my sleve up,
putting the blade towards my skin,
thoughts overwhelming,
the voices will soon win,
pushing it down as hard as i can,
thinking weither this will make me die,
look at what ive become,
who the hell am I?
slicing it across my skin,
faster than any ive done before,
staring at the cut inwhich ive inflicted,
just one more will do, just one more,
blood pouring from my arm,
shocked at what ive done,
i run upstairs screaming it wont stop,
showing my pain to my mum,
hot tears streaming down my face,
my mum wondering why i do this,
dialing the number 999,
she smiles and just gives me a kiss.
I wonder if tonight is my last,
i think of everything in my past,
waiting for the ambulance,
i stare like im in some sort of trance,
the ambulance arrives,
rushing in,
my mum explains what happened,
they stare at my deep sin,
the hospital i arrive at,
stared at by the public,
i curl up,
feeling sick,
Stitches i recieve,
wishing i could just leave,
returning home,
feeling so alone,
the next day,
feeling as depressed as ever,
should i just die?
no i cant, not ever.
I grab a knife,
i pull the stitches out,
the blood leaks down,
filling up my gown.
I wrap my arm up,
crying on what ive just did,
flashbacks of the cut is all i see,
ive completely changed from what i was like when i was a kid.
the morning comes,
the pain increases,
the anger screams,
the thoughts of suicide have turned into a team.
Words so powerful,
burning like the fire within hell,
such words i cannot tell,
but they are so deep, as deep as a well,
as i write this today,
i may have to go away,
not for a while,
forever,
hospitals are my next step,
no date is set,
but if i am forced to go,
i will sink so low,
underground,
no sound,
no heart beat,
no heat,
pain,
came,
gone,
done,
depressed,
left,
alone,
all on my own,
no love,
its too tough,
hurt,
im just a piece of dirt,
shred,
mislead,
lost,
this life has no cost,
noise everywhere,
here and there,
i cant bare,
but i just sit and stare,
silence is within,
all i am is a sin,
death and suicide,
forever i shall hide,
fears,
tears,
no one,
i have never, ever won,
they win,
why not just throw me in a bin?
im nothing to the world,
just filthy mold.
I shall disappear in the night,
no lights,
gripping tight,
nomore holding,
body molding,
soul and mind,
reverse, rewind,
undoing the mistake,
love and hate,
found then gone,
i was meant to be this all along.
death, pain,
repeatedly gain,
senses corrupt,
slash, flesh, cut,
alone at last,
this body will soon be in the past,
nerves shaking,
hands clench,
crawling,
sun arise,
mother rubbing her eyes,
awake she is in bed,
slowly getting up, shaking her head,
walking downstairs,
shivering,
cold,
the railing she holds,
turning the heat on,
walking along,
slowly opening the door,
and then she saw,
the body of me,
she slowly leaves,
tears of joy slip from her eye,
she doesnt say goodbye,
she happily remains in her life,
except with one change,
her daughter is no longer in range,
the mistake has been removed,
the mistake just wanted to prove,
everyone was happier when the mistake didnt exist,
they took the piss,
they made her life hell,
well now shes been sent there,
to live for eternity,
pity?
no,
and so,
i bid you goodbye,
ridding this life,
it was just a big fat ugly mistaken lie.
The screaming words i hear all day,
the abusive words i hear them say,
I run upstairs on my bed and their i lay,
soon i will pay,
I flinch from my bed i roam my room,
looking for the priceless thing which will soon lead to my doom,
the metal blade hides under my draws,
once it hits my skin it feels like a sharp saw,
I press the blade againts my skin,
the voices soon will win,
I slide it across my worthless arm,
I suddenley hear my mums alarm,
I run for my medical kit,
I quickly sit,
hiding my blood on the floor,
I hear a knock on my door,
my head runs around with many thoughts,
I hide under my bed hoping i wont be caught,
I hear a voice calling my name,
If they catch me things will never be the same,
I count in my head hoping she will leave me be,
god how those cuts made me feel free,
when will everyone see?
I just want to be me,
the cutting isnt enough,
this battle is too tough,
the tears streaming down my cheeks,
I have lived in this darkness for so many weeks,
the name calling has started again,
Im going through so much pain,
'fat' they will chant,
'you should diet, but you cant',
I eat my lunch with tears as my sauce,
the other children say I eat like a horse,
I tell myself 'crying is for the weak',
but i just cant help but to leak,
I run to the bathroom and cry on the floor,
I look at my body and i cry even more,
If i make myself sick,
Will they still take the mick?
cutting turned into making myself purge,
sooner or later it was impossible to say no to the urge,
others could see i was getting thin,
for me it was a deep sin,
when i got the weight i desired,
I just couldnt see what others admired,
when i looked in the mirror all i could see was a fat pig,
and overall, just as big.
I am the truth waiting to spill,
I am the hurt waiting to fade,
I am the pain signing the life will,
I am the torture that has been made.
You are the listener,
You are the help,
You can make it go away,
With my quiet yelp!
The world is full of torture,
yet also full with happiness,
choosing is an option,
but sometimes you just need a rest!
Torn inside,
I run and hide,
not wanting to become,
things that will never escape my tongue.
Broken and crumbled,
spoken but tumbled,
always in the wrong,
this life has been lived far far too long.
Suicide is my destiny,
I will soon leave,
life will become death,
enough and i mean enough said.
Very very very long, lol, sorry!
The story of a girl trapped in her own mind..
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Oh not today, please not today, Sian says to herself.
Sian looks in the mirror, staring back at her is the image she thought she would never see again. Fat reflects, all over her body. I thought i smashed all the mirrors in this room! she screams to herself. Quickly, as no one looks, she smashes it apart, and throws rapidly in the bin. There, that ought to do it!, Sian says to herself.
The clock ticks, and tocks, Sian looks up at it, she gasps, time passed by as she stood in the mirror glaring at herself. She quickly grabs a grape or two, and rushes off to school. As she enters the classroom, the whole room stares at her. Sian stands infront of the teacher explaining she fell over on the way to school and was very sorry. The teacher dismissed her, and Sian quietly sat at her desk. The teacher hands out everyone there individual test and sets the timer. 'Ready, children?' the teacher asks. She clicks the timer on, and awaits the buzzer to go off.
'Bzzzzzzzzzzzz' the alarm screeches. 'Right children, please finish the question you are on and remain seated until the bell rings' the teacher shouts over the alarm. Sian sits, covering up her stomach with her hands, clenching it trying to pull the fat out. Thinking and wondering if others can see the fat through her jumper, she daydreams....
'DING DING' the bell alarms. 'Right children, please pass your papers to the front of the class and you may then leave once all are collected' the teacher says. Sian collects the person behinds paper, and stands up to give to the person infront, suddenley, her stomach shows while straining to pass it to the person. She gasps at the sight of it, she quickly covers it, and looks around to see if anyone seen it. 'Here' she says quietly to the person as she passes the papers.
Running into the playground, she sits alone at the steps, tears form and drop as she sees other girls skinnier than her doing gymnastics. 'Why me, why must i be this shape, i truly hate it!' she mumbles to herself.
'Hey, HEY SIAN!' Jess screams. 'Hey, Jess' Sian replies. 'Why are you so figity?' Jess asks. 'No reason, i just feel a bit edgey today, thats all', Sian replies with a smile. 'Oh ok, want to play on the skipping rope for a while?' Jess asks. 'Um, no, but you can, ill watch you', Sian replies with a forced giggle.
Jess takes the skipping rope from the box by the school door, and runs back to Sian with it. 'I bet i can do 50!' Jess says and giggles uncontrollably. 'Lets see then, this should be a laugh', Sian replies, smiling with her teeth showing. Jess skips to 10, 20, 25, 28, she falls. 'Ha, almost, 2 more and you'd of done it, eh?', Sian says and giggles. 'I'd like to see you try and do better!' Jess angrily mumbles. 'What was that?', Sian asks. 'Oh, nothing', Jess replies with a cheeky smile.
'Bzzzzzzzzzzzz' the alarm sounds. 'Breaktime over girls, come on, chop chop, in you go!', the teacher shouts.
'Oh no, not math!' Jess moans. 'Go on, i'll catch you before lunch', Sian pats Jess' back. 'Ok, see you', Jess shouts at Sian running down the corridor to her next lesson.
'Your late, this is the second lesson you've been late to today, Sian, get a grip of yourself, if you are late next time you will be given detention, understand me?' the teacher strictly shouts as Sian arrives 3 minutes after due time. 'Yes ma'am, sorry', Sian looks down.
'Get to your seat immediatly!' the teacher screams at Sian.
Sian places herself in her seat, and awaits the assignment. 'Class, today we are going to learn about the human body'. Oh great, be thankful its not my body on the chart, the paper wouldnt be big enough for my shape, Sian whispers to herself. Time goes on as Sian daydreams about herself being skinny, and modelling. Sian says to herself I will not eat another single thing, until my body is skinnier than the models i see in magazines.
As the days pass, the food fills the cuboards.
'Why are you not eating, Sian?' Sians mum asks her as she arrives from school. 'I do eat, i eat at school, and i just had a really big takeaway!', Sian replies. 'Oh, ok, well, be sure to eat breakfast tommorow lovey, you need the energy' Sians mum says firmly. 'I will, dont worry', Sian replies uncertainly.
'Where are you going?', Sians mum asks Sian. 'Nowhere, just to Jess', we are going to bake some cookies for tommorows funfair at school!', Sian replies. 'Be sure to eat some, they will taste lovely coming from my number one cook!', Sians mum smiles as she opens the door for Sian. 'Have fun!', Sians mums shouts. 'I WILL!', Sian screams back half way up the street.
Slowly, Sian browses the shop. She says to herself, I cant believe i lied like that. She buys a load of junk, preparing for tonight. She runs home, sneaks upstairs into her room, taking the mirror out, putting it on the floor, grabbing the bin, scoffing the junk into her mouth, trying to shut her growling stomach up. She chews, and chews, and swollows. Oh god, im so scared, Sian says to herself. She gets her two fingers, opens her mouth, pulls the bin near her, and looks in the mirror... tears run down her face as she purges the food up, choking, instantly gagging at each purge she attempts. I swear, if its the last thing i do, i will be beautiful and thin! Sian says to herself. Getting rid of the contents in the bin from her stomach, she wipes her face and weighs herself. Why am i so much? Sian says to herself with uncertainty.
Days, months pass, and the starvation continues, the purging continues, the weighing, the counting calories, the diets, the exercising constantly, all continues... 'Bzzzzzz' Sians alarm buzzes. 'Oh dammit, im late!' Sian shouts. She quickly puts her clothes on, and rushes to school. She enters the classroom, and suddenley, she feels dizzy. 'Im.. sorry.... im....' Sian passes out, and faints on the floor. 'Sian?' , the teacher asks Sian. 'Sian, this is no time for jokes!', the teacher says. 'Someone get the nurse!', the teacher shouts. 'NOW!', the teacher screams. The class all run to the medical room and shout that Sian has fainted and they need the nurse. 'Sian, Sian can you hear me?', the teacher asks as she kneels down next to Sian. 'What happened here?!', the nurse asks. 'Sian came in, and she fainted, i have no idea why!', the teacher explains nervously. 'Ok, stand aside', the nurse demands. The nurse kneels and checks for Sians pulse. 'Shes quite pale', the nurse says with concern. 'Her pulse is rapid... call an ambulance, NOW!', the nurse demands.
The ambulance arrives, they strap Sian up, and take her to the hospital. She is placed in the ward, and is oberserved for the night. She awakes in the morning... where am i? Sian thinks to herself.
She tries to get up, but her bones give in and she lies back down. Why cant i get up? What happened? Whats wrong with me? Sian questions herself. The nurses come and check on her. They smile, and ask how shes feeling. 'I feel... weak and sick', Sian replies.'Well, dear, you will for awhile, we know what your doing', the nurses say. 'What im doing? What am i doing?', Sian questions.'Sian, hunny, starving yourself and making yourself sick, you havent ate in months, thats why you are here today, like this', the nurses reply with a quick smile. 'How would you know? I made myself sick once, and its not been months, i counted, i remember counting, i dont miscount!', Sian replies with anger. 'You did, your mother has kept an eye on you, alot, shes heard you making yourself sick several times, she tries her best to take care of you sweetie, i dont understand why a pretty girl such as yourself would do this', the nurse replies with tears forming in her eyes. 'Well, pretty, no, fat, yes, have you seen the fat on me?', Sian replies with tears already dropping from her face. 'Hunny, you've lost so much, you are not fat, you weigh less than the average weight!', the nurse raises her voice with tears dropping. The nurse refills the fluids. 'What are you doing? Dont do that, get off them!', Sian screams. Sian hits the nurse and tries to escape. 'SECURITY!', the nurse shouts, as she buzzes the alarm. Security restrain Sian as she tries to get out of bed. 'GET OFF ME!', Sian screams. 'Sian, we are doing this for your own good, im sorry', the nurse quietly tells Sian as she sticks a needle in her arm and injects with fluid. 'You'll... regret.... this....', Sian says just as she falls asleep.
'Where is she? Is she ok? I want to see her, i need to see her!' Sians mum worriedly says to the nurses. 'This way, ma'am, your daughter, Sian, is sleeping, you may be with her for a bit, but when she wakes, we must warn you, she may be violent, but we will be watching her and you, dont worry, she will be fine', the nurse warns her. The nurse leads her to the bed Sian lays on. 'Oh hunny', Sians mum quietly whispers. Placing herself on the chair next to Sians bed, she takes her hand, covered with tubes, and holds. 'Sian, hunny, if you can hear me, im so sorry, i love you, your my special, beautiful girl, i didnt know this would happen, i should of helped you', Sians mum says quietly to Sian, blaming herself for all the problems Sian has. Time passes, and the medicene wares off. 'Mummy?', Sian says quietly as she opens her eyes. 'Sian? Oh Sian, my baby girl, my darling!', Sians mum says with shock and happiness that shes awake, and hugs her like theres no tommorow. Oh god, my stomachs showing! Sian says to herself. 'Mum, please, its only been 3 days', Sian says sarcasticly, covering her stomach up, she asks 'Mum, whats happening to me? Why am i here?'. 'Hunny, rest now, you need it, ill go speak to the doctors', Sians mum replies. Sians mum kisses Sians forehead, and gives her hand a squeeze before leaving the bed. 'Love you hunny', Sians mum whispers to her.
'Nurse, whats happening to my daughter?', Sians mum asks. 'Im afraid we need to tell you something', the nurse replies. 'Please, do go through', the nurse leads Sians mum into the councilling room, where three doctors sit, awaiting her arrival. 'Ah, hello, finally we meet', the doctor says. 'Well, regarding Sians condition...', Sians mum interupts 'Condition?', 'Yes', the doctor replies, 'Sian as you may see, has lost alot of weight, and has been doing it through certain worrying methods. Starvation, purging, ect. There is a name for this. Sian has Anorexia Nervosa', the doctor says directly to Sians mum. 'Your saying, that my daughter, Sian, has anorexia?', Sians mum replies. 'Yes, we are very sorry to do this, but she will need to be hospitaliazed until her weight is at least average, and she starts eating again', the doctor announces.
'Of course, Sians health and safety must be controlled, but, shes my daughter!', Sians mum says with a tear dripping down her eye. 'We understand that, but your daughter could die from this ma'am, and we need to do this for her safety', the doctor says with a frown. 'Ok, i understand', Sians mum says, crying in her hands. 'We will need to take her immediatly, and she will need to have a say in this too', the doctor says.
Sians mum sniffles, as she walks over to Sians bed. 'Sian, hunny, can you tell me, what you think of yourself?', Sians mum asks. 'I think im... i think im... fat... and ... ugly... disgraceful.. horrible..gross...', Sian pauses in disgust with herself, and closes her eyes to avoid looking at herself, aswell as her mum. 'Sian, sweetie, you have a disorder, you have anorexia nervosa', Sians mum quietly tells Sian. 'I have what? No way, im fat, look, cant you see it, im fat!', Sian shouts and pulls the covers off, as she does, she punches her mum in the face. 'Mum, im... im sorry, i didnt mean too, i didnt, i really didnt, im sorry, i am, im sorry!', Sian screams, and cries. 'Its ok, its fine, really, it is, your to weak to hurt me anyway hunny', Sians mum says reassuring Sian. Weak? What is she on about? Sian says to herself.
Sian gets sectioned into the hospital the next day, and after 3 months of submission, she accepts her disorder. 'Im sorry for everything, i am, im sorry i didnt listen, i know im ill, but i cant see it', Sian says weakly. 'You will soon, dont worry, when you get better, you will see it', the nurse replies. Months pass, and each day is harder, but easier to see her true self for Sian. One day, she wakes up, goes into the bathroom, and she stares in the mirror. Her true image occurs. It flashes, back and fourth, to her true image, and the image anorexia has placed in her mind... the true image sticks for a while... and then flips back. What the... thats not me is it? Sian questions herself. She shuts her eyes, rubs them, and says to herself, this isnt happening, this ISNT happening! She opens her eyes, and she sees the true body image. She rubs her eyes, and blinks several times before staring at the image. Her ribs stick out, her stomach is flat, her cheek bones are visable, her hair has bold patches and straw thin, she sees her true self and her mouth drops at the sight of it. Im thin? I, i cant believe this, what is.. is this a dream? Or nightmare? Is this someone elses body? It cant be mine... Sian says to herself with worryness.
She said id see the true me, but i never knew this was the true me. Sian then sees flashes of her anorexic mind, and she gasps, she cries, she stutters, she curls up in the corner of the bathroom, and she waits...
'Sian? You ok in there?', the nurse asks... 'Sian, im coming in', the nurse shouts. She opens the door to find Sian curled up in the corner crying and shutting her eyes tightly. 'Sian!', the nurse shouts. 'Sian, whats wrong?', the nurse asks. 'I... i.. i seen what i really looked like, i seen it, i look.. i look awful.. im thin... i am thin.. i am happy... and at the same time.. shocked... i... i... it kept.. it kept going back to another image of me, far bigger and fatter, and i.. i just.. i cant handle this..', Sian says bursting into tears. 'Its ok, Sian, its ok', the nurse says as she pats her back. 'You'll be ok', the nurse says reassuring Sian. 'Sian, do you want us to help you get better?', the nurse asks. 'Oh.. oh.. yes.. yes please, i cant.. i cant stand this.. i feel so weak.. and sick.. and urgh', Sian replies, sniffling and rubbing her nose. 'We will help you, Sian, everythings going to be ok, dont worry, you will be ok, trust us, and we can help you', the nurse asks Sian. 'I... i trust you', Sian replies. 'Do this for me and your mum, and especially yourself', the nurse tells Sian. 'I will.. i... i will', Sian says determindly. 'Ill do this, if its the last thing i do, i will do this', Sian says, smiling and proud of herself. She stands up, and smiles to the nurse. Sian walks out of the bathroom, and says to herself, i will defeat your anorexia, you can take my body, but you cant take my soul or mind, thats mine forever, i will beat you, i will do this, and nothings going to stop me, not even you.
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I have longed too die,
and ive wondered why,
everytime i try,
the promise i tell myself,
turns into a lie.
i tried too kill myself tonight,
i wanted too walk into the light,
but my friend wouldnt let that happen,
that friend is a he,
and he loves me,
he wouldnt let me go,
he wouldnt let me sink that low,
he placed words into my head,
ill always remember what he said,
he told me how much he'd miss me,
how much he loves me,
how much hes done for me,
how life would be without me.
ive never felt so loved before,
my life is a war,
im just scared of loosing it,
so here i sit,
and tell about tonight,
he made me realiese,
killing myself isnt right,
but one day i might,
but when that day is here,
ill shred loads of tears,
but i know he will be with me,
and make me see,
that doing this too myself,
wont help.
He said he would help me,
but i guess ill just have too wait and see.
Tears slip down my eyes,
my life is full of filthy lies,
nomore of this young mistake,
my little mind is full of hate,
all day long,
being alive is wrong,
soon it will be right,
ill walk into the light,
ill be out of sight,
ill do it with all my might,
no more putting up with this fight,
dont be upset,
the date is set,
changing my mind i will not do,
not even for you,
the only thing thats on my mind,
is the only thing i cannot find,
and that is not to be shared,
i do not deserve to be cared,
my heart is teared,
as am i more than ever scared.
This poem has not a name,
these words have just came,
the anger i feel,
its just too much,
i cannot deal,
they have took my outlet away,
i cant even say,
what the pain feels like,
this just isnt right,
they dont understand not a single bit,
so here i sit,
writing this poem,
trying to explain,
about this pain,
life just doesnt make any sense too me,
i cant even see,
what my future holds,
except a dark road,
unless i end it all,
the only escape tool,
i will finally be at my eternal rest,
the thing that i want best,
im such a mess,
this pain isnt getting any less,
so i will soon be underground,
no sounds,
no pain,
blood not running through my veins,
i will finally be dead for all eternity,
but soon they will see,
i just couldnt handle it,
and i just couldnt fit.
So as i sit here and write this poem tonight,
i will soon be out of sight,
time is so precious and valid,
all these years i have hid,
but soon i wont need to hide,
and everyone that was by my side,
has just giveup on me anyway,
they dont understand what i want to say,
all i want to be is dead,
but soon ill be covered in red,
lying in my puddle of pain,
they will see me and think i was insane,
but they will never know,
about what i have always felt and so,
as i write these words,
im trying to write,
that i have never been heard.
Hurt, destroyed,
played and toyed,
messed, unloved,
this life is too tough,
hit, kick,
taking the mick,
no love, no care,
all alone and bare,
thoughts, feeling,
im not healing,
suicide death,
nothing left,
one tablet,
two tablet,
date is set,
which will soon be met,
three, four,
ill open that door,
five, six,
nomore kicks,
seven, eight,
i cannot be late,
nine, ten,
never again,
eleven, tweleve,
now ill leave this hell,
thirteen, fourteen,
nomore Sarah to be seen,
a dozen more,
this heart is tore,
gulping them all down,
nomore frown,
lying so still,
im taking the kill,
fading away,
on my final last day,
nomore me,
as you can see,
this life will be gone,
since im done,
goodbye,
i am a lie,
i want to die,
i do not even know why.
I search for the razor,
i take a seat,
opening the draws,
i find the think that will soon make me complete,
grabbing a knife,
i dig the blade out,
placing myself on a chair,
soon i shall remove all my doubt,
pulling my sleve up,
putting the blade towards my skin,
thoughts overwhelming,
the voices will soon win,
pushing it down as hard as i can,
thinking weither this will make me die,
look at what ive become,
who the hell am I?
slicing it across my skin,
faster than any ive done before,
staring at the cut inwhich ive inflicted,
just one more will do, just one more,
blood pouring from my arm,
shocked at what ive done,
i run upstairs screaming it wont stop,
showing my pain to my mum,
hot tears streaming down my face,
my mum wondering why i do this,
dialing the number 999,
she smiles and just gives me a kiss.
I wonder if tonight is my last,
i think of everything in my past,
waiting for the ambulance,
i stare like im in some sort of trance,
the ambulance arrives,
rushing in,
my mum explains what happened,
they stare at my deep sin,
the hospital i arrive at,
stared at by the public,
i curl up,
feeling sick,
Stitches i recieve,
wishing i could just leave,
returning home,
feeling so alone,
the next day,
feeling as depressed as ever,
should i just die?
no i cant, not ever.
I grab a knife,
i pull the stitches out,
the blood leaks down,
filling up my gown.
I wrap my arm up,
crying on what ive just did,
flashbacks of the cut is all i see,
ive completely changed from what i was like when i was a kid.
the morning comes,
the pain increases,
the anger screams,
the thoughts of suicide have turned into a team.
Words so powerful,
burning like the fire within hell,
such words i cannot tell,
but they are so deep, as deep as a well,
as i write this today,
i may have to go away,
not for a while,
forever,
hospitals are my next step,
no date is set,
but if i am forced to go,
i will sink so low,
underground,
no sound,
no heart beat,
no heat,
pain,
came,
gone,
done,
depressed,
left,
alone,
all on my own,
no love,
its too tough,
hurt,
im just a piece of dirt,
shred,
mislead,
lost,
this life has no cost,
noise everywhere,
here and there,
i cant bare,
but i just sit and stare,
silence is within,
all i am is a sin,
death and suicide,
forever i shall hide,
fears,
tears,
no one,
i have never, ever won,
they win,
why not just throw me in a bin?
im nothing to the world,
just filthy mold.
I shall disappear in the night,
no lights,
gripping tight,
nomore holding,
body molding,
soul and mind,
reverse, rewind,
undoing the mistake,
love and hate,
found then gone,
i was meant to be this all along.
death, pain,
repeatedly gain,
senses corrupt,
slash, flesh, cut,
alone at last,
this body will soon be in the past,
nerves shaking,
hands clench,
crawling,
sun arise,
mother rubbing her eyes,
awake she is in bed,
slowly getting up, shaking her head,
walking downstairs,
shivering,
cold,
the railing she holds,
turning the heat on,
walking along,
slowly opening the door,
and then she saw,
the body of me,
she slowly leaves,
tears of joy slip from her eye,
she doesnt say goodbye,
she happily remains in her life,
except with one change,
her daughter is no longer in range,
the mistake has been removed,
the mistake just wanted to prove,
everyone was happier when the mistake didnt exist,
they took the piss,
they made her life hell,
well now shes been sent there,
to live for eternity,
pity?
no,
and so,
i bid you goodbye,
ridding this life,
it was just a big fat ugly mistaken lie.
The screaming words i hear all day,
the abusive words i hear them say,
I run upstairs on my bed and their i lay,
soon i will pay,
I flinch from my bed i roam my room,
looking for the priceless thing which will soon lead to my doom,
the metal blade hides under my draws,
once it hits my skin it feels like a sharp saw,
I press the blade againts my skin,
the voices soon will win,
I slide it across my worthless arm,
I suddenley hear my mums alarm,
I run for my medical kit,
I quickly sit,
hiding my blood on the floor,
I hear a knock on my door,
my head runs around with many thoughts,
I hide under my bed hoping i wont be caught,
I hear a voice calling my name,
If they catch me things will never be the same,
I count in my head hoping she will leave me be,
god how those cuts made me feel free,
when will everyone see?
I just want to be me,
the cutting isnt enough,
this battle is too tough,
the tears streaming down my cheeks,
I have lived in this darkness for so many weeks,
the name calling has started again,
Im going through so much pain,
'fat' they will chant,
'you should diet, but you cant',
I eat my lunch with tears as my sauce,
the other children say I eat like a horse,
I tell myself 'crying is for the weak',
but i just cant help but to leak,
I run to the bathroom and cry on the floor,
I look at my body and i cry even more,
If i make myself sick,
Will they still take the mick?
cutting turned into making myself purge,
sooner or later it was impossible to say no to the urge,
others could see i was getting thin,
for me it was a deep sin,
when i got the weight i desired,
I just couldnt see what others admired,
when i looked in the mirror all i could see was a fat pig,
and overall, just as big.
I am the truth waiting to spill,
I am the hurt waiting to fade,
I am the pain signing the life will,
I am the torture that has been made.
You are the listener,
You are the help,
You can make it go away,
With my quiet yelp!
The world is full of torture,
yet also full with happiness,
choosing is an option,
but sometimes you just need a rest!
Torn inside,
I run and hide,
not wanting to become,
things that will never escape my tongue.
Broken and crumbled,
spoken but tumbled,
always in the wrong,
this life has been lived far far too long.
Suicide is my destiny,
I will soon leave,
life will become death,
enough and i mean enough said.
Very very very long, lol, sorry!
