a question for all of you (especially those with some dating experience)

[Dex Dorrey]

im sure this has been discussed before, but im not gonna search for it so im sorry if it has....so i was just wondering what you all think about telling a girl/guy about your SA....do you think it would be best to be upfront about it or sort of let things play out? this always seems to be one lof the biggest problems i come across in my mind when thinking about the idea of trying to get a girlfriend...

i feel like if i didnt say anything i would feel like i was deceiving her or at very least i would feel as if i wasnt being fair to her...and also i would want the girl to understand why i am the way i am and why i do some of the things i do or dont do some of the things i dont do..because there would be plenty of stuff that would very obviously come out that would be really bad without an explanation as to why things are like that...just for example things like the fact that im 21 and ive never kissed a girl, my chronic indecisiveness, the fact that i only have 1 friend or why id be just as quiet and awkward around her as everyone else

but then if i were to be honest about it and tell her that seems like a whole hell of a lot to say to some random person...hell that even seems like a lot to say to someone you already know and it could easily scare the girl off...and then if she doesnt go out with you this random ass girl, who you dont want to know this infoprmation, will know all about your SA...and you dont know who she would tell, and even tho its not a big deal i still would not like that information out there for everyone to know

idk i guess just like always i feel like every answer is the wrong answer, and i wanted to get your thoughts on the matter to see if it helps clear things up at all...if you have some real life experience with the issue id love to hear about how things went down...any input is greatly appreciated

 

[this_portrait]

As someone with experience in this situation, I'm very cautious about telling any guy I date from here on out about my social phobia. If I grew very close to a guy, then I might tell him about it. I refuse to tell him early on, though. My SA was the reason my last relationship didn't last in the first place, and even though it's been a while since then, I still feel ditched out on and betrayed. I don't want that to happen again, for fear that the next guy will be just as insensitive, not willing or able to understand or be supportive, and dump me for not being "perfect."

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I don't think it's something you should open with on your first date, like it's some kind of huge confession. I think it's something that is best addressed as and when a situation arises where you feel anxious. At that point, you should be honest and explain that the situation is making you anxious, and that you tend to find such situations more anxiety-inducing than perhaps the average person would.

I think you're making a bigger deal out of some of the examples than they really are. How many girls you've kissed and how many friends you have is your business. Besides, many people choose quality over quantity in both those areas. Also, many people are chronically indecisive, regardless of whethere they suffer from SA or not.

My SA is a part of my personality, which will come out as someone gets to know me. If they don't like me because of it, well then I guess they weren't meant to be my friend/girlfriend in the first place.

 

[K3ith]

I urge you to tell them in time. Try to make it natural though after you're both already comfortable with each other. Chances are that they will have already had a good idea about what was going on anyway. Most the time we aren't fooling anyone but ourselves.

If they know and still want to pursue something with you it's only more of a confidence boost. Plus if you do something that someone else might find odd or weird, they'll know where you're coming from because you told them.

It will make a relationship easier if you lay it out there on the table. Like someone else said though, you don't need to do it on the first date.