A life of Misery

[fraudmask]

Hello all this is my first time coming to these forums and also my first time posting. I am a 26 year old male that has suffered so many years with Social Anxiety Disorder. I never realized I even had it till I was about 21 or 22. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when I was younger but I know that I did not have that. I thought that It might have been true that I had this disorder because I was constantly having this pounded into my head over and over by my parents and doctor.

I went to go see a psychiatrist for the first time when I was about 21. The doctor said it sounded like I have Social Anxiety Disorder and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I immediately disregarded what he told me because in my mind I had OCD and there was no way what he told me could be true.

At the time I was also going through heavy drug use of Alcohol, Marijuana and Adderall. The only time I find that I can really talk to people comfortably without worrying constantly what they are thinking about me or why they would possibly want to talk to me is while I am under the influence of something. When I first started using drugs I felt good for about a year or two because I could actually talk to people and talk to women without feeling insecure and worthless as it would numb my mind and not think about these things.

After about two years I started becoming depressed about using drugs and kept putting myself down over and over and telling myself what is wrong with me and calling myself a loser. I got off of the alcohol and marijuana except for the occasional use every once and a while, and this was due to my extremely low self esteem through all the pain and hurt that I have went through. I have became a very gullible and easily manipuable person.

I have met several girls in my life and have known that they find me attractive yet I don't understand why the find me attractive nor do I have the courage to talk to them or ask them out. This has caused a deep self loathing in myself and I constantly think about the past. The only relationships I have been in were with drug users and partiers that either just wanted to keep me as a sex toy for their own enjoyment when they want it or to boost their own self esteem. I am a fairly good looking guy I know that I am but I still have not one ounce of self esteem. I ended up falling for these women that I was sleeping with extremely fast because i felt wanted and I felt that they really wanted a relationship with me. I probably fell in love with them in 2-4 months or what I think is love because I can't even be sure I have ever been in love. I became very clingy and felt like they really didnt like me and were just using me for their own egos and drove them off. I can't even keep a one night stand druggie satisfied.

My life begins with a painful lonliness the beginning of every morning I wake up. I have no real friends and have not had any except internet friends since I was about 13 or 14. I feel lost and helpless and have not one shred of self esteem. I am scared to even think about talking to another girl because if I started any kind of relationship I would become the usual people pleaser that I am due to wanting them to like me so much because I have no self esteem and feel I don't diserve to be loved.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I am pretty close to suicide I feel. I never really thought about it before but it seems to be a better decision at the end of every day.

I worry that I am beyond the realm of help and think I have wasted too much time of my life thanks to this disgusting disease. If anyone has anything they can do to help me please let me know. If anything maybe my post will help other people feel better about themselves to see what a real loser is.

 

[Helyna]

If anything maybe my post will help other people feel better about themselves to see what a real loser is.

Compared to what? The other people on this forum? Many of them are like you. Some are worse. Some are better.

 

[oNecoOlazN]

^ what r u talking about, the REAL loser here is me..just wait untill u hear my story, then you'll realize who the REAL loser is... :roll:

 

[Slothrop]

The doctor said it sounded like I have Social Anxiety Disorder and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I immediately disregarded what he told me because in my mind I had OCD and there was no way what he told me could be true.

A lot of people feel that way. It can be really hard to accept new input about your own identity. We all want to believe we have a stable and accurate understanding of ourselves, but the truth is that it's healthy to be constantly learning new things and reinventing yourself. The line between different kinds of anxiety disorders is blurry, too. I've found that when I get anxious, I do a lot of checking and re-checking as if I had OCD, but fortunately, it isn't problematic for me in the way that social anxiety is. If I hadn't worked so hard trying to decipher myself, I would still be very confused.

What I'm trying to get at is that you shouldn't feel bad about it taking a long time to realize what was at the heart of your problems. Be pleased that you have a name for it, and that you're neither the first nor the last to have to deal with it.

The only time I find that I can really talk to people comfortably without worrying constantly what they are thinking about me or why they would possibly want to talk to me is while I am under the influence of something.

I know you're off of them now, but it's worth a reminder that the drugs only give you a false sense of security and comfort wrapped around the insecurity that drove you to take them, a feeling that pales in comparison to the real feeling of being secure which you can reach with a little work and time.

I have met several girls in my life and have known that they find me attractive yet I don't understand why the find me attractive nor do I have the courage to talk to them or ask them out.

Approaching and courting the opposite sex is one of the hardest social acts that anyone faces. There is nothing especially wrong with you that you find it difficult. The skills and confidence you need to do it comfortably are things that can be developed. Past experiences don't have to influence you today if you don't want them to.

I ended up falling for these women that I was sleeping with extremely fast because i felt wanted and I felt that they really wanted a relationship with me.

This, too, is very common among men and women both. The good news is that when you start patching the holes in your self-esteem and become more secure with who you are, what you're about and what you're capable of, you won't feel so starved for validation and acceptance. Even before you become comfortable approaching women you'll at least feel a strong enough sense of identity that you won't become addicted to the acceptance of others, and you'll be able to be more selective with who you allow to have an impact on your emotions.

I probably fell in love with them in 2-4 months or what I think is love because I can't even be sure I have ever been in love.

Nobody is sure. Love is a feeling we all know by name but in practice it can be very elusive and hard to define. Not knowing doesn't make you a loser, it makes you very, very, normal. Just remember, doubting love comes from the same place all your other doubts come from. It's just another feeling that comes from within that if you can just take control of it, you can turn off.

I have no self esteem and feel I don't diserve to be loved.

It's good to know that it's a feeling, right? Because I feeling is something that you yourself can change, and that isn't imposed on you from some other person or force. Now that you know what your core feelings are, the next thing is to figure out how you can change them. Where does self-esteem come from? How can you start feeling like you deserve to be loved? Why don't you feel that way today? Keep asking until you find something that you can do.

I never really thought about it before but it seems to be a better decision at the end of every day.

There is no decision for which suicide is the better option.

I worry that I am beyond the realm of help and think I have wasted too much time of my life thanks to this disgusting disease.

That worrying comes from your low self-esteem. It isn't reality. Feeling like you can't be helped or help yourself does not come from realistically examining your problems and possible solutions—it comes from believing that you are inherently flawed and undeserving. It isn't that your problems are that bad, it's that one of those problems is that you feel hopeless. If you can brush away the feeling of hopelessness just a little bit you'll start to see your problems as they are: solvable and temporary.

(Personally, the biggest benefit I received from taking an antidepressant was this brushing aside of the hopelessness. I think you should consider that route.)

If anything maybe my post will help other people feel better about themselves to see what a real loser is.

That's a load of crap. Plenty of people here would fight you for that title, but you'd still all be wrong. Telling yourself that you're a loser is pretty much par for the course for anybody with depression or anxiety, regardless of the severity or their particular life circumstances, because that's where that feeling comes from. The state of overwhelming self-criticism doesn't come from an objective measurement, it's just a self-sustaining pattern of thinking: you tell yourself you're a loser, so you act the way you think a loser should act, then you look at how you've been acting and tell yourself you're a loser because of that. At any point, though you can just say to yourself "STOP! I am not a loser! I'm a guy who's depressed about his anxiety problems, and I don't yet know what to do about them, that's all." Then you can start acting how that person acts, which is to try every day to figure out what to do to get better, and to do those things.

If you've dug yourself into a hole the first thing you need to do is stop digging!

This isn't about lying to yourself, either. A certain amount of honest self-criticism is healthy and necessary. You need to learn (and I don't mean to say this is easy) to turn the volume down so your critical mind is not drowning out everything else.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. At the absolute least I hope you'll feel like less of a loser knowing that some random wordy guy on the internet is willing to spend a chunk of his afternoon telling you that your shit isn't as fucked up as you think.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Good stuff Slothrop, I hope the OP listens. Or Reads =) Esp your last bit, good general advice for anyone with SA as I know many ppl can find SOME similarities and relate with Fraud. I know I could partly.