dmcleod
Member
I apologize for how long this is
I am driving myself crazy trying to self diagnose/help whatever is wrong with me, and I am working on getting psychotherapy (no health insurance). Also I am terrible at accurately describing my symptoms and how I feel, even on the internet. So im
just going to describe as best I can my most recent social disaster and maybe some kind soul can give me some kind of advice based on my description.
Here goes: I read a book called "Nonviolent Communication", its all about how to use empathy in communication. Throughout the day at work I practiced what the book taught and it really seemed to help me communicate with customers better. I also talked freely with co-workers (this is like the 5th time in a year that I have gotten inspiration from some source that helped my “social anxiety” for a day, at the most. Also I am always either sadly nice or ultra superficial with customers and co-workers). So work went great and afterwards I told my self that I was going to walk right up and introduce myself to people at a music venue/bar that has some genuinely amazing people that work and hangout there. In my fantasies these are my friends and people that I want to be socially involved with (In reality my closest “friends” are my co-workers, and none of us have ever hung out outside of work).
==This next part will be a little fractured and stream-of-conscious as I try to describe the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing==
I gathered my courage and went into the place and theres 6 or 7 people in the bar (it’s a Monday) most of whom are sitting at a table in a corner. I walk to the bar and the whole “OH MY GOD THEIR EYES ARE ON ME!!!” mantra is pounding in my head. I order a beer from the beautiful, spirited girl working the bar and my voice comes out muted and fragmented which kick starts the awkwardness that I bring to almost every moment of social interaction that have. I make myself stay at the bar. I chain-smoke outside with the 6 or 7 people and none of them get to know me, nor I them. Communication throughout the whole group (were all on the porch smoking) has deteriorated to the lowest common denominator, a cynical gripe fest, which I know I have brought upon the group with my presence. These are all friends of each other that have a great report usually. They are all nice to me, and they all open up little bits of themselves with little stories or funny anecdotes about bands. I bring so many awkward silences, its like I invented them. I try using my empathy training from my most recent self help book. Nothing gets through. There are too many eyes and ears around, how can I communicate with someone when I have to pay attention to all of this. Whatever personality I possess is suppressed completely, I seem so prepared and generic. Somebody will say something, the group chuckles, but my hearing is dulled and I can’t catch anything that is being said unless I focus completely and it is coming from right in front of me. I get slow and basically retarded; I don’t get things until very late. I seem uninterested and arrogant because my reactions are all stock and small because nothing completely registers. There’s too much stimuli and my mind is getting more and more distressed and excited, while the group dynamic is getting so dull that people are leaving to go watch t.v. or nap (and some of these people are vegan/biking/never watch tv types of people). And times that I do get in (At the most) a 3-way, semi-literate, brief conversation; the moment attention is diverted for even a brief second to someone coming or going or something, I freeze in sheer terror of what to do or say. Say im somehow telling a story to two people and a friend sits down next to us, I just stop, done, finito. That person feels the most alienated feeling ever, “ummm sorry I interrupted!” (I have had that exact thing happen many times). So eventually I made a sudden and awkward exit. Sat up and said “Well, it was nice to meet all of you” in a weird screechy way and walked past them all very quickly not looking back. They responded with barely audible grunts and “yeahs”, seeming relieved that this very boring, obtrusive person has gone.
That is one day for me, and basically every day that I interact with anyone is like that. I have to have some sort of social anxiety, just don’t know what kind. I also think im a self-loathing narcissist. I notice this all, and I just want to change.
I am driving myself crazy trying to self diagnose/help whatever is wrong with me, and I am working on getting psychotherapy (no health insurance). Also I am terrible at accurately describing my symptoms and how I feel, even on the internet. So im
just going to describe as best I can my most recent social disaster and maybe some kind soul can give me some kind of advice based on my description.
Here goes: I read a book called "Nonviolent Communication", its all about how to use empathy in communication. Throughout the day at work I practiced what the book taught and it really seemed to help me communicate with customers better. I also talked freely with co-workers (this is like the 5th time in a year that I have gotten inspiration from some source that helped my “social anxiety” for a day, at the most. Also I am always either sadly nice or ultra superficial with customers and co-workers). So work went great and afterwards I told my self that I was going to walk right up and introduce myself to people at a music venue/bar that has some genuinely amazing people that work and hangout there. In my fantasies these are my friends and people that I want to be socially involved with (In reality my closest “friends” are my co-workers, and none of us have ever hung out outside of work).
==This next part will be a little fractured and stream-of-conscious as I try to describe the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing==
I gathered my courage and went into the place and theres 6 or 7 people in the bar (it’s a Monday) most of whom are sitting at a table in a corner. I walk to the bar and the whole “OH MY GOD THEIR EYES ARE ON ME!!!” mantra is pounding in my head. I order a beer from the beautiful, spirited girl working the bar and my voice comes out muted and fragmented which kick starts the awkwardness that I bring to almost every moment of social interaction that have. I make myself stay at the bar. I chain-smoke outside with the 6 or 7 people and none of them get to know me, nor I them. Communication throughout the whole group (were all on the porch smoking) has deteriorated to the lowest common denominator, a cynical gripe fest, which I know I have brought upon the group with my presence. These are all friends of each other that have a great report usually. They are all nice to me, and they all open up little bits of themselves with little stories or funny anecdotes about bands. I bring so many awkward silences, its like I invented them. I try using my empathy training from my most recent self help book. Nothing gets through. There are too many eyes and ears around, how can I communicate with someone when I have to pay attention to all of this. Whatever personality I possess is suppressed completely, I seem so prepared and generic. Somebody will say something, the group chuckles, but my hearing is dulled and I can’t catch anything that is being said unless I focus completely and it is coming from right in front of me. I get slow and basically retarded; I don’t get things until very late. I seem uninterested and arrogant because my reactions are all stock and small because nothing completely registers. There’s too much stimuli and my mind is getting more and more distressed and excited, while the group dynamic is getting so dull that people are leaving to go watch t.v. or nap (and some of these people are vegan/biking/never watch tv types of people). And times that I do get in (At the most) a 3-way, semi-literate, brief conversation; the moment attention is diverted for even a brief second to someone coming or going or something, I freeze in sheer terror of what to do or say. Say im somehow telling a story to two people and a friend sits down next to us, I just stop, done, finito. That person feels the most alienated feeling ever, “ummm sorry I interrupted!” (I have had that exact thing happen many times). So eventually I made a sudden and awkward exit. Sat up and said “Well, it was nice to meet all of you” in a weird screechy way and walked past them all very quickly not looking back. They responded with barely audible grunts and “yeahs”, seeming relieved that this very boring, obtrusive person has gone.
That is one day for me, and basically every day that I interact with anyone is like that. I have to have some sort of social anxiety, just don’t know what kind. I also think im a self-loathing narcissist. I notice this all, and I just want to change.
