I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder 13 years ago. I had been struggling with it since I was 12, though maybe a little bit when I was 11. Twelve was when I started having anxiety attacks. I refused to order meals at resteraunts. In high school, I was petrified of filling my gas tank because I was petrified of talking to the gas station attendant (no pay at the pump service then).
My mother was raised by a mother who was never there for her. She would drop her off at relatives house and disappear for long periods of time. As such, my mom was raised mostly by her aunt. I believe my mother's aunt was OCD. Family used to joke that she wasn't happy unless she was worrying. She was a sweet lady who I loved a lot as my grandmother. I'm really greatful for all she did do for my mother and me.
My parents were loving and are still happily married. My mother is not socially anxious at all. She is very controling and invasive. I think her flaw is that she didn't want us to suffer like she did, so she went overboard in protecting me, sometimes to the point of freaking out about my decisions and going out of her way to "fix" what a mess I'd made of my life. When I started using the internet as a social outlet, she'd claim she was monitoring my activity to make sure I wasn't getting into trouble. My online life was more like her soap opera. She even suggested I meet my first online boyfriend in person. When we broke up, she said she felt like she had lost a son. She made it harder to get over it. When I was single and an adult, she'd sign me up for singles accounts and even email men pretending she was me. She'd then get upset if I wouldn't follow through.
I do love her and I value our relationship. Its just too close and has hampered me from the ability to gain the self confidence that I can function without her or that I won't mess everything up.
I have other anxiety issues besides social anxiety, but most of my anxieties are social. After I married, I also found out I had vaginismus. That I believe is a combination between PTSD and other factors in the manner I was raised. Honestly, when I was going through the list of causes, there were only a few that didn't fit me. Vaginismus is like a specific sexual panic attack that made consummating my marriage impossible without therapy. Therapy wasn't fun, but I overcame it and have a beautiful 2 year old daughter.
I've come a long way, but I'm not normal. I think anxiety will always be a part of my life and that my funeral will be fairly small with just close family members. I'm not suicidal, but I tend to estimate how well I'm doing socially by thinking about who would attend.
My mother was raised by a mother who was never there for her. She would drop her off at relatives house and disappear for long periods of time. As such, my mom was raised mostly by her aunt. I believe my mother's aunt was OCD. Family used to joke that she wasn't happy unless she was worrying. She was a sweet lady who I loved a lot as my grandmother. I'm really greatful for all she did do for my mother and me.
My parents were loving and are still happily married. My mother is not socially anxious at all. She is very controling and invasive. I think her flaw is that she didn't want us to suffer like she did, so she went overboard in protecting me, sometimes to the point of freaking out about my decisions and going out of her way to "fix" what a mess I'd made of my life. When I started using the internet as a social outlet, she'd claim she was monitoring my activity to make sure I wasn't getting into trouble. My online life was more like her soap opera. She even suggested I meet my first online boyfriend in person. When we broke up, she said she felt like she had lost a son. She made it harder to get over it. When I was single and an adult, she'd sign me up for singles accounts and even email men pretending she was me. She'd then get upset if I wouldn't follow through.
I do love her and I value our relationship. Its just too close and has hampered me from the ability to gain the self confidence that I can function without her or that I won't mess everything up.
I have other anxiety issues besides social anxiety, but most of my anxieties are social. After I married, I also found out I had vaginismus. That I believe is a combination between PTSD and other factors in the manner I was raised. Honestly, when I was going through the list of causes, there were only a few that didn't fit me. Vaginismus is like a specific sexual panic attack that made consummating my marriage impossible without therapy. Therapy wasn't fun, but I overcame it and have a beautiful 2 year old daughter.
I've come a long way, but I'm not normal. I think anxiety will always be a part of my life and that my funeral will be fairly small with just close family members. I'm not suicidal, but I tend to estimate how well I'm doing socially by thinking about who would attend.
