19 years old...obsessive thoughts of past...GAHH

[_abcde]

I'll make this quick and to the point and I'll be more specific if I actually get feedback on this post...

Did something really disgusting 4 years ago
Shortly after, realized I made a mistake, accepted it, and moved on
...but for the past 3 months, the incident has popped in my head more and more at the worst of times...it's now a daily struggle, and plagues my conscious thought.

The first two months, I thought eventually it would just subside. Talking to a therapist was totally out of the question, but now it's become such a problem, I'm actually considering it. But before I talk to my mom about seeking help (I haven't told her or anyone else yet about this problem), I'm going to read the book White Bears and Other Unwanted Thoughts so I can have more of an understanding of whats going on.

That book and this forum is my last attempt to help me snap back to my mindset 5 months ago. If the problem persists, I'll seek professional help. Thanks for any input.

 

[Infected_Malignity]

Yeah, professional help is always a good idea and a lot of people get cured that way. So don't be afraid of resorting to it

But in the meantime, getting your mind off of your problem is something that can help tremendously, especially in your case. But since I don't know what happened or any of that, that's the best advice I can give for now . And like you said - before, you made a mistake, accepted it and moved on. So don't make such a bid deal out of it (no matter what you did, try to let it go) and you'll soon forget all about it. Good luck to you!!

 

[meme]

i know what you mean. i have a boyfriend, but months ago, i went to a bar with a friend and he hit on me. i waas really upset (wondering if he always wanted more than friendship), but decided to cut him some slack so we hung out and danced and he kept hitting on me. i finally got fed up and went home, but i felt incredibly guilty for not leaving sooner, and for dancing (not dirty or anything), anyway, i told my boyfriend what happened, and we got over it, but i still feel SOO guilty.

it pops in my head all the time. i feel horrible. i hope t oget feedback from this thread as well.

 

[blakeage]

Don't know if this will help, but I like to think of life as simply a bunch of experiences. We don't always know how to go about life, whether to step into an experience, or to stay away. Sometimes we try, and we see that the outcome was good for us (and others), and sometimes we don't like the outcome. Either way, I think we shouldn't judge ourselves, because then we just feel guilty.

I've made a lot of mistakes (in my book) in my life, and tried things that I had a pretty good feeling were "bad". But humans make mistakes...everyone does...

Anyway, hope that helps. If you'd like to share more, or privately, feel free to message me. I've done lots of disgusting stuff : ).

 

[_abcde]

Thanks for the responses...

I actually just got into a serious relationship in the past 6 months, and shortly after, the incident started coming into my head again. Eventually, it became a seemingly constant thing. I don't know if it's guilt or if it's just the fact that it's the most disgusting thing I've ever done. Could it be OCD? I can't tell her. I just can't. I love her and she loves me and she pretty much knows everything about me and I know everything about her. She is my first love and I am hers. But this is one thing I can't tell her...at least right now...maybe in a few years, but I just don't feel like now is a good time. It's almost like I've associated conscious thought in general with the incident...you know when your brain gets in that mode where you KNOW what you're thinking about? It's like, when I'm in that mode, the thought is there. Even if I'm not visually thinking the incident out (which I'm usually not). It's just some automatic thing...that when I know what I'm thinking about, the idea of the incident is there. Geezzz this doesn't make freaking sense but I don't know a way to explain it. I figured it would eventually let go, but it hasn't.

 

[blakeage]

_abcde: Can you think anything into existence?

Certainly you can think that it does, but can you make something exist by thinking about it?

 

[_abcde]

...I guess you can't...what are you getting at?

 

[paulmm]

the difference between people with OCD and people w/o OCD is that people w/o OCD do disgusting things and then realize what they did, feel guilty for a little while, then feel afraid others will find out. After days or maybe a week of feeling scared/guilty, they move on with their lives. If they really hurt somebody else, they feel guilty when they are reminded.

People with OCD do something disgusting and have the same response for about a month or year. THen the memory returns and the person with OCD thinks they are a monster. THey associate the disgusting act with every part of their life and feel like they dont belong in the civilized world. The reality is that we only live once, and if your going to spoil your entire life on one mistake, thats too bad. there are people in the world that are serial killers and rapists and they continue to live comfortably with themselves. assuming you didnt rape or kill anyone, you shouldnt feel guilty anymore. If you did rape or kill someone, i hope you learned your lesson from your guilt and never repeat this mistake because it is damaging to other peoples' lives.

I highly doubt that you did anything more disgusting than a large majority of people. I used to obsess about things ive done or thought about in the past, and it ruined my life for a while. Now I've learned to move on because its not worth ruining my life for.

Feeling guilty about something means you are a good person.

People with OCD also believe that they should be punished for everything they do wrong (since every action needs an equal opposite reaction to keep the world in perfect order - typical OCD thinking), but the reality is that the equal and opposite reaction is your learning that what you did was wrong, and maybe you can teach your children to avoid the same mistake so they dont worry about it for years like you have. We are all humans. Look at the sexual and aggressive behaviors of animals - if humans behaved that way, wed all be in jail.

Thanks for the responses...

I actually just got into a serious relationship in the past 6 months, and shortly after, the incident started coming into my head again. Eventually, it became a seemingly constant thing. I don't know if it's guilt or if it's just the fact that it's the most disgusting thing I've ever done. Could it be OCD? I can't tell her. I just can't. I love her and she loves me and she pretty much knows everything about me and I know everything about her. She is my first love and I am hers. But this is one thing I can't tell her...at least right now...maybe in a few years, but I just don't feel like now is a good time. It's almost like I've associated conscious thought in general with the incident...you know when your brain gets in that mode where you KNOW what you're thinking about? It's like, when I'm in that mode, the thought is there. Even if I'm not visually thinking the incident out (which I'm usually not). It's just some automatic thing...that when I know what I'm thinking about, the idea of the incident is there. Geezzz this doesn't make freaking sense but I don't know a way to explain it. I figured it would eventually let go, but it hasn't.

 

[GaryF]

I don't mean to make light of your problem, but it's sort of fun to go to the forum. I pressed my psychiatrist for a diagnosis today (after a year of treatment and 4 years of therapy) and she gave me "OCD."

I've had the same exact thing. I make some trivial mistake, then I get to think about it over and over again even if it happened 30 years ago. No solution yet, though it seems to be less on a high dose of Prozac.

 

[luke12]

G'day mate.

I actually just started up a topic and im almost in the exact situation as you. Except i did not do anything really, i just watched a distressing video and now its in my head all the time. I remember the video but i dont actually imagine the video playing in my head. (if you understand) anyway i havent told any1 yet as well because it has not affected any aspect of my life dramatically.

All i feel is worry, that it is something bad and not normal. And that i may have a serious health problem.

 

[Katherine]

the difference between people with OCD and people w/o OCD is that people w/o OCD do disgusting things and then realize what they did, feel guilty for a little while, then feel afraid others will find out. After days or maybe a week of feeling scared/guilty, they move on with their lives. If they really hurt somebody else, they feel guilty when they are reminded.

People with OCD do something disgusting and have the same response for about a month or year. THen the memory returns and the person with OCD thinks they are a monster. THey associate the disgusting act with every part of their life and feel like they dont belong in the civilized world. The reality is that we only live once, and if your going to spoil your entire life on one mistake, thats too bad. there are people in the world that are serial killers and rapists and they continue to live comfortably with themselves. assuming you didnt rape or kill anyone, you shouldnt feel guilty anymore. If you did rape or kill someone, i hope you learned your lesson from your guilt and never repeat this mistake because it is damaging to other peoples' lives.

I highly doubt that you did anything more disgusting than a large majority of people. I used to obsess about things ive done or thought about in the past, and it ruined my life for a while. Now I've learned to move on because its not worth ruining my life for.

Feeling guilty about something means you are a good person.

People with OCD also believe that they should be punished for everything they do wrong (since every action needs an equal opposite reaction to keep the world in perfect order - typical OCD thinking), but the reality is that the equal and opposite reaction is your learning that what you did was wrong, and maybe you can teach your children to avoid the same mistake so they dont worry about it for years like you have. We are all humans. Look at the sexual and aggressive behaviors of animals - if humans behaved that way, wed all be in jail.

Thanks for the responses...

I actually just got into a serious relationship in the past 6 months, and shortly after, the incident started coming into my head again. Eventually, it became a seemingly constant thing. I don't know if it's guilt or if it's just the fact that it's the most disgusting thing I've ever done. Could it be OCD? I can't tell her. I just can't. I love her and she loves me and she pretty much knows everything about me and I know everything about her. She is my first love and I am hers. But this is one thing I can't tell her...at least right now...maybe in a few years, but I just don't feel like now is a good time. It's almost like I've associated conscious thought in general with the incident...you know when your brain gets in that mode where you KNOW what you're thinking about? It's like, when I'm in that mode, the thought is there. Even if I'm not visually thinking the incident out (which I'm usually not). It's just some automatic thing...that when I know what I'm thinking about, the idea of the incident is there. Geezzz this doesn't make freaking sense but I don't know a way to explain it. I figured it would eventually let go, but it hasn't.

" If you did rape or kill someone, i hope you learned your lesson from your guilt and never repeat this mistake because it is damaging to other peoples' lives."

uhhhhh does anyone else think that statement was completely screwed up. Oh, if you kill someone or rape them, dont repeat it, its damaging to other people's lives. uhh, understatement much?