The Return To Church

I'm sort of venting here, so I hope someone will listen:

So it's been over a year since I last went to church and miraculously my parents haven't tried to force me...until now. My mom told me I HAVE to go to church this Sunday just out of the blue, which as silly as it sounds may be a sign of the apocalypse. But the thing is I don't think that'd be a good place for me right now. My parents used to have me in activities with other kids at church and I remember being pretty much an outcast, (the way the other kids looked at me is something I've never been able to completely forget), and then to make matters worse (my parents can be good at that), they put me in the chior. It should come as no surprise that it wasn't long before I had my first big panic attack and had to quit the chior and pretty much quit church all together.
Anyway, I'm sure there'll be some big arguement between my parents and I about why I refuse to go back to that church. I hate it there. The people are so judgemental and my mom says people are always asking where I've been, as if they actually give a damn considering them and their kids constantly referred to me as "the quiet boy", or "the kind of kid I'd like to have around the house". I'd rather chew through my own leg than enter that church Sunday morning and have to walk down the aisle with all those eyes staring at me. And believe me they do because when I did go to church I felt like an ugly, handicapped runway model.
My parents know I have SA, but my mom in particular seems to enjoy ignoring it. It's as if she doesn't believe her son who does little more than sit in his room all day and keep to himself and sweats bullets whenever he has to talk to almost ANYONE could be afflicted with something as off the wall as SA, even though she was around when I was diagnosed with it. I was also diagnosed with homosexuality :? lol but that's another story for another time.
If my mom knew how just sitting in a church full of people could make me break out in a cold sweat, and tremble I wonder if she'd even try to force me back into the place I have affectionately named The House of Hypocrisy? I really just don't know what to do right now. Both of my parents have become impatient with me and my dad just thinks I'm a lazy-ass with no motivation or aspirations. Well he has the first part right, but that's just due to depression. I would try talking to them about how bad I feel lately, but I seem to have lost most of my ability to communicate with the parental thickheads.
So I've come here for advice and support. What should I do? I've already decided that another year of this empty, motionless life (as hasty and silly as it sounds) will surely result in suicide. I was on medication at one point but my parents took me off as they were worried about long-term effects. But I think the most important thing is that there is a [/i]long-term. Anyway, to anyone who is actually reading this I guess it went way beyond the whole church thing. I just need advice or something that's all. Thanks for listening.

hi introverted!

*sigh* i can relate all too well with what you're saying. i grew up in the church from birth until i was 16 (now i'm 19). and i mean, i was forced EVERY SUNDAY i was to be there. we had a very small youth group and we were pretty close. about 6 of us in my age group and the church was small as well, maybe 50 members.

i remember when my SA kicked in around when i was 14 i would sit in sunday school and then for no reason, i would be terrified to be called on, just like in school, only in front of my best friends! i couldn't understand it and it became a struggle to go anymore.

i refused to do the graduation serimony that was kind of a build up. i was the one person who had stayed there and not gone off to a different church so everyone knew me. but i still refused to do the graduation cerimony much to my dad's dissapointment. he's very old-fashioned and southern so he doesn't understand alot of what i do and also sees me as being lazy alot of the time. he'll randomly ask me to do out of the way things if he sees me taking a nap or whatever and it really kills my ego. it's like nothing i do can make him happy

but that's a whole other can of worms. my mom understands my SA and let me stop going to church. after a while i wanted to find a place that i felt like i could fit in and even mustered up the courage to go to a couple of places, but never sunday school, that would be hell for me. one chruch that my autn went to, the youth group researched where i lived, about 8 of them showed up at my door asking to come in to get me involved in their youth group. i was horrified and mumbled i was busy and slammed the door shut.

i'm in college now and am trying to find an organization that's christian affiliated to join with little participation needed. at least not right away.

this has gotten alot longer than i anticipated. i feel your pain and your parents should be more supportive. drugs are meant to be long-term but if you had been on them longer, you would have built up the confidence in your social abilities to not need them. they should have given you more time! maybe ask a doctor to talk to them. i kow it's hard when you're own parents don't even support you.

on homosexuality, i can't say i can relate but i can provide some support. i can't imagine what that's like but i can only hope that you find a way to hang in there. suicide is not an answer, don't let yourself believe that this is how your life will be forever. you may be suffering now but things always change. like masterpiece said, you don't need to go to church to worship but i know that's not the problem.

keep your head up, you've got all the support in the world here, i wish i could provide you with a simple solution and my heart goes out to you but there is not one and i know you know that. but don't loose hope, there's always hope and things will change for you one day. maybe years from now, maybe tomorrow. good luck

Perhaps your mother wants you to return to church because she thinks it may help you with what you are suffering from. That may explain why suddenly she wants you to return and why she is so insistent about it. I don't know, i don't know her but perhaps that is the only way she can reach out to you and deal with this. I know it's an easy thing to say talk to them and tell them how you feel, but it's not an easy thing to do. And it sounds as though your parents are a source of anxiety for you which makes the action of talking to them even harder - because with this condition we generally avoid anything that causes us anxiety. But i don't see any other way out of this. Maybe just mentioning the fact that going back to church will not help you with what you are going through, it will not be the solution to your problems, but in fact may even worsen it may do something - without going into much emotional stuff, which i don't like to do myself.
Mmm.. diagnosed? with homosexuality that's an interesting way of putting it. Is that from your parents perspective or do you have issues with it? Just curious.

by the way i love Daria. i wish her show was still on

Thanks for the replies everyone. They definitely mean a lot to me considering the only person I have to talk to about things like this is myself. I know it won't be easy, but I'll try to talk to my mom without retreating to my room with a bag chips and no plans to come out for 24 hours. I don't know where all this is going, but anything that could prevent the anxiety I'd feel this Sunday if I went to chruch would be what I'd consider a savior. Oh, and I'm 17 by the way...

have you considered showing your mom a website on SP? then maybe it wouldn't seem like a phase or anything like that. tell her that in order for the meds to do any good, you have to take them for a length of time. i felt i got what i needed within a month! but it varies person to person but i know people who've been on meds for 6 years or longer with no long term side effects.