The "lack of structure" of light conversation is what scares me

I'm a student and I've been taking a course which involves tutorials where we have to discuss a certain topic with others, as well as interviewing "clients" about certain things.

To my surprise, in such settings my "social anxiety" hardly troubled me at all - I found myself confidently speaking about the topic at hand. Also my interviews ran smoothly because I "knew" what to say, I "knew" how to respond to what they have said, and I "knew" how the interview would begin and end. Basically, there was a high degree of "structure" in all this, and there was a set "agenda / purpose" to these exchanges. Hence, I felt completely at ease.

But the funny thing is, as soon as the group discussions strayed "off-topic" - for example people talking about what they did in the weekend, or about what they ate in the last break - something in me just "switched off"; for some reason I could no longer be a part of that discussion, when just moments previously I had been discussing away about some abstract topic.

I think what truly scares me about social "banter" is that... the field is, in a sense, too open - there is no set "agenda" we have agreed to talk about, it's all "loose" with a complete lack of structure... and hence I just have no idea what to do.

If you observe people having "social" conversations - where the point of the conversation is not about discussing a certain topic, but about having a conversation for conversation's sake ("smalltalk"), you'll know what I mean. There are just so many random, rapid turns in conversation direction, random interjections, random jokes... and so on.

And all that... "lack of structure" just... in a way intimidates me. Of course I have tried becoming a part of such "social" banter by saying something. But what happens? Suddenly, the chatter, the laughter dies down. Suddenly it all becomes "serious". Suddenly it becomes stilted, no longer the "fluid" chatter these people have been having.

Whatever I say just always seem to end up being too structured, too organised, too "serious" - breaking that natural, "structureless", seamless flow of social chatter.

one tip i've heard about small talk is that if you're talking longer than 2 minutes without interruption, then you're talking too long. And you're right in recognizing that there are different forms of communication. When you're just shooting the breeze, your intelligence may work against you if you use too many big words. And also, too, the subject matter/tone of your conversations is important- if you are constantly negative or come across as judgmental, it can really stop a conversation in its tracks. (see debbie downer snl sketches)
body language is important too, like not having crossed arms, a relaxed face, and smiling (as silly as it sounds the last two can be practiced in a mirror- but idunno if that's a problem)

sometimes with shy people they're so used to keeping their opinions to themself, that once they share them, they don't know when to stop (and usually a sentence or two will do)

just try to keep it light, piggyback on topics, ask a who/what/where question about whatever they're talking about- a lot of what you've said is really the essence of social phobia- somehow the seemingly effortless interactions between people don't come so effortless to us.

at least you're good in interviews- that's a good skill to have!!

Its even worse when you don't understand those jokes. You just sit there smiling, thinking "why the hell does he think that's funny?"

I completely relate to being intimidated by lack of structured socialising... our grade once had to do speed dating on an activity day and hell, THAT was easier than lunchtime banter because you only had to converse for five minutes and get to know the basics about each person (what do you want to do when you leave school, how many people are in your family etc)

That's definitely my problem. I can talk in front of groups of people no problem if I'm giving a speech or if there is a set topic. But to just...talk? It kills me! My fear is that I will be too honest and scare people or that my opinions will be judged. There's also the whole what do you say after hello and how are you? I don't know how to keep a conversation going and "regular" people make it look so easy. I don't like to talk about myself because I don't want to come off as conceited and I don't want to interrogate someone with questions either. I've always had a "speak if spoken to" approach and that's how I was raised. So now that I have to deal with social situations that are loose, I have no idea what to say. You're not alone, pal. And I'm definitely the girl that kills the laughter and fluid conversation. But I wonder if that's really me, or because I haven't connected with those people (like say a group of my coworkers) and they're not used to be saying something or interacting with me. A group will already have its dynamic and if you join in as a shy stranger, it could throw off the balance through no fault of your own.

this happens to me also. just the other day when i tried to jump into the conversation in my college class in a small groups of four.we were writing pros and cons of a country having madatory military service, and i had the most ideas on the subject.( i hate when we get in groups and they seem to care more about socializing and im always the one to bring it back to the work) we switched to a more relaxed tone of conversation. they were talking about stuff sort of related, and i thought i may be able to relate to the topic and when i jumped in it was like i was speaking another language and the convo just stopped the flow. I tend to get mad whenever my anxiety starts up or i get nervous because i dont like to look weak and even said when there was a lull after i jumped in "you know what im saying?!". guy next to me was like "na not really" and we laughed luckily or else i would have said something like fk you then.