social anxiety (essay?)

When I think back I'm pretty sure SA (social anxiety) first became an issue (although small) in grade 7-8. However, as time has progressed, so has my SA. I almost didn't finish high school because of SA. The only thing that kept me going to school (when I did) was the fact that my parents were sacrificing so much to pay my tuition; so I made a point of trying my hardest, even though my daily life was a living hell. Life hasn't gotten any better.

I have essentially failed out of college. I couldn't concentrate during class (panic attacks during tests are very frustrating), and I could not bring myself to attend on a regular basis because of SA. I can't even bring myself to shop for new clothes, which in turn makes SA even more prominant (when I'm not comfortable with my appearance, panic attacks are even worse). It's getting to the point where I hardly ever leave my house. My parents don't have extra money to pay for new clothes, and I can't get or hold a decent job because of SA. They have already sacrificed so much for me and I don't for a second take it for granted, but there is only so much I can do on my own.

SA creates a hypothetical prison around me that limits how I can live my life. I cannot attend a normal university because of SA. I cannot attend an online university because I don't meet the age (21+) or initial transfer credit requirements (48+). In two years, however, I will meet that age requirement, but I cannot (for the reasons in the previous paragraph) get 48 college credits. I can't get a job because of SA, and even if I did get one I wouldn't be able to keep it.

I have lost hope in attaining any of my long-term goals (college, career, relationship). Even if I found a prospective treatment that would work for me, it is most likely beyond my reach for financial reasons. My parents have always been supportive, but I know I am becoming a burden to them (although they would never admit it).

Because I no longer have any hope I will be able to treat my SA well enough to make social situations bareable or that I will be able to live with it, I have become indifferent and uncaring. Oddly enough, I do not feel sad that I cannot achieve my life goals. My motivation scales with frustration. For the past few years I’ve come to accept the fact that my goals are beyond my reach. I cannot change any more on my own. I’m just going to enjoy my life as much as I possibly can in my isolation.

I don’t mean to be pessimistic, but even if my parents try to get me treatment like before, when it fails, they will most likely get angry and frustrated like before (like I was when I first realized my limitations). They will probably press me to go back to school and/or get a job, eventually ending with them threatening that I either get a job or they will kick me out. I’ve decided that when it reaches this point will be when I kill myself. I see it like this anology: Life is like a school test with three questions. I can’t answer these questions because of my own limitations, so rather than turning in a blank paper, I simply won’t turn a paper in.
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Sage, you can overcome SA if you really want too. You sound like you are giving up. I have been in isolation for many years, my parents also worked hard to pay for a decent education, I lived in a small mining town and us 3 kids all went away to boarding school and it cost my parents alot to send us away as the school in Tennant Creek was no good. I know how you feel when you are trying to sit for exams and you can't concentrate on the answers, to this day I even have difficulty reading a book or a newspaper, as my mind is racing. I am trying to read an article and keep getting sidetracked and thinking about something else, usually sabataging something that I am susposed to be doing.

I lived at home until I was 26, the only reason I moved out was because my Dad had cancer and they left the territory where htey had access to better medical facilities. Well my mum and I used to have world war 3 nearly every day, always threatening to kick me out, I was a big embarrassment to her as she didn't understand what was wrong with me. My sister and I both got fulltime jobs working in a supermarket, she is still there 16 years later but I only lasted 9 years now I have had close to 30 jobs, just kept going from job to job, if it gets too hard I quit, but the only person I am hurting is myself. When I first started at the supermarket I used to work on the checkouts, when my shift first started i was shaking from head to toe, I was positive everyone could see it, I was sweating really bad but I perservered with it and I am glad I did. The longer I stayed there the easier it got. I used to shake nearly every day for the first month. I am determined I am going to overcome this as I have lost the last 23 years to SA, life is too short to be constantly unhappy.

Don't even think about hurting yourself, life is not that bad. I can remember having a fight with my mum and telling her to go to hell and I wish I was dead. I used to keep a journal in my bedroom which was very personal well she found it one day and read it when she was doing the housework, the last thing I wrote in there was saying how much I hated her and I was going to crash my car into a tree at high speed, she was beside herself, didn't know what to do and it brought on another fight when I got home. It turned out she was really worried about me but she just didn't know what to do to help. Taking the easy way out wont help you, your pain and suffering may be over but it will only devastate everyone else, if you know what is causing you to feel this way then you can work on changing the way you feel, it will take time but it is worth the effort. If I had a choice of dealing with SA for the rest of my life and living in complete isolation (I live with my dog, on days off I have no contact at all with the outside world, which ends up making the problem worse as I feel like I am just existing from day to day and not living and ending up being very lonely and insecure. I would choose to try to overcome my SA. Give it a go.

Sage,

Most people on this website know where you are coming from. SA affects a large portion of our lives. It is a prison, limiting the things we can do.

However, I have been in therapy for a number of years and it has helped. I would suggest that if you seek treatment look for a therapist that uses Rational Emotive Therapy or Cognitive/Behavioral Approaches. These treatment types have been documented in the literature as being effective...and I will testify also that they are. I also use Prozac. It helps. I've been using it for more than 5 years now.

I just wanted to say to you that there is hope. There is.

When I was in high school in eleventh grade I was really messed up. I didn't like leaving the house ever. I couldn't even go in my backyard because I was scared a neighbor would see me (not sure why that scared me I wasn't doing anything bad). I thought about killing myself almost every night. I cried most nights. I listened to new age music on some radio station and recorded the ones I liked on a cassette. I recorded a few tracks that really struck me deep. I remember listening to this one piano track that started out with ocean waves at the beginning and I was filled with bliss. The next time I listened to it I cried with indescribable pain. All the movies and music I experienced in that time period is now almost sacred to me.
None of these things were helped when I had a "best" friend feeding off of my depression. He always put me down and treated me like shit even though I had told him the pain I was going through. He always called me a dumbass and bitch and constantly talked of how better he was at everything. Often times he'd ask me a question and I'd go to respond and he'd cut me off and say shut the fuck up. My seventeenth year was the most painful depressive lowest of low year I've ever experienced.
I'm glad I didn't kill myself, but I would be lying if I said I haven't had suicidal thoughts since then. I stopped hanging out with my "friend" and have become purposefully cold and distant to send a clear message that I don't like him and don't want to be around him again.
My depression and anxiety came fairly sudden. It was brought on by myself and my isolation from everything. I can remember the first time that I realized I wasn't happy is when it all began. I was sending an e-mail to my "friend" and I was talking about problems in my life and while typing it I bust into uncontrollable crying. I had never cried before that with no real reason. The only crying I did before that was if I got physically hurt or if I was yelled at for doing something bad in elementary school.
I'm not sure exactly why you posted on here sage, but I'll guess you wanted to have your experienced heard. I'm responding with some of my experiences because I don't have a solution for you.

familial social phobia

Dear Sage

Reading what you wrote made me think of my daughter's possible future. I have had social anxiety/phobia ever since I can remember but on a scale of 1--10 I rate mine a 5/6. I was able to attend school (my mom wasn't a pleasant person to be around so I'd rather be at school) but had very few friends;usually just one and I would not participate in class or do any oral presentations. This went all through school. I would take an F rather than get up and speak in class. I am 46 and I never knew what was wrong with me for the longest time. I just knew I was different .
I met my husband at 15 yrs old and we got married when I was 18. He has some anxiety, also, but not to the extent I do. We have a son who is perfectly normal but our teen daughter is a different story. Her social phobia is a 10+ on my 1--10 scale. But she's the one who pointed out what was wrong with us--she showed me info on the internet and I remember thinking "That's me!". But she was suffering so much in school; it was literally a torture for her but I didn't realize it for a long time; we thought she was just "shy" like me. When I saw how she was suffering I told her to hang on through middle school and I would try my best to get her in independent study in high school. I got her in although the school was reluctant to let her in--she does her school work at home and sees a teacher once a week for an hour or so.
The change in her has been amazing. She used to get sick constantly; she's asthmatic; she missed so much school the district threatened us with legal action. Since she's been in IS she's rarely been ill and she seems happier. However, I wonder if I've done the right thing. Do I empathize with her to the point of doing more damage and worsening her SA/SP? Thankfully, she has agreed to see a psych dr. and has an appt. in a few weeks. She wants meds and doesn't want to "talk about herself" in therapy. But I fear that she won't have a normal life--I realize she will never be a social butterfly but I want her to be able to function enough to go to college, get a job, have her own family. Right now she mostly works on the PC and reads although I can get her to go our gym (required for PE credits), bookstore, and occasional show.
Somehow it helps to know there are others struggling with this; I wonder if anyone is struggling with a socially phobic child as well as their own SA/SP?
Sage, I hope you get to the point where you can do all the things you want to. It would give parents like me hope for our children.

ann

Hi, Ann, Sage, and everyone.

Anne, I just wanted to say that your a very good mom. You sound very involved in your daughters life. I wish the best for her. I would encourage her to talk about her feelings with the therapist though. It's better that she deals with her SA when she is young than when she is older like me.


Good Luck.