People who stare intrusively

Does anyone else get people staring at them for no apparent and obvious reason? Does anyone else tell other people and they either say no theyre not /no we're not, or youre being paranoid?

Is it some kind of underlying thing that people think theyre allowed to stare at you when you appear quiet/shy? Is it connected to stereotypes and judgemental opinions of quiet people that people have in their heads? ie what the media throws at then so thats the only thing they can believe and arent able to stretch their mind? (ie theyre convinced quiet people dont live adequate and normal lives and they certainly dont seem to realise they they know exactly what judgements and generalisations theyre assuming about them.)

What are peoples opinions on this? As a believer in Buddhist teachings and philosophy I just see everyone as completely equal and like to act kind towards people and even try to understand unpleasantness and tolerate ignorance and differences.

What do other people think?

Thanks.

newbie-who said:

Does anyone else get people staring at them for no apparent and obvious reason? Does anyone else tell other people and they either say no theyre not /no we're not, or youre being paranoid?

Is it some kind of underlying thing that people think theyre allowed to stare at you when you appear quiet/shy? Is it connected to stereotypes and judgemental opinions of quiet people that people have in their heads? ie what the media throws at then so thats the only thing they can believe and arent able to stretch their mind? (ie theyre convinced quiet people dont live adequate and normal lives and they certainly dont seem to realise they they know exactly what judgements and generalisations theyre assuming about them.)

What are peoples opinions on this? As a believer in Buddhist teachings and philosophy I just see everyone as completely equal and like to act kind towards people and even try to understand unpleasantness and tolerate ignorance and differences.

What do other people think?

Thanks.

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Hi newbie-who,
It's a funny thing that being self concious and worrying that others will think us weired often attracts just that! ...so, when psychiatrists challenge those beliefs that others watch us, sometimes people actually do.
Perhaps that is why I find it more helpful to disengage from caring whether others watch me or find me strange, as opposed to challenging thoughts as to whether they do find me strange or not. -and I think that the first gets away from self-centredness and the second still focuses attention on me.

I know what you mean regarding when people stare at you. This has happened to me in 'intrusive' ways (as you put it) a few times that I remember recently (other times it may not have been as bad). It has caused me to feel outrage that they could be so ignorant. It is like, if I saw a person who was obviously very nervous, rather than gawking at them like they are a circus freak, I would check my reactions to show some empathy for them. -If someone is nervous: help them out by not putting more pressure on them. ...And so, whilst they stare slack-jawed at my bizzarre behavious, I am amazed at their own un-checked reactions.

So, it is a close tie: neither or us really has much control over our reflexive reactions. However, the catch is that the social phobic may be trying harder to control their reactions and may actually be making a concious effort; whilst the other person may not be trying much.
I'm not completely sure to tell the truth. But I understand the anger: it is like making someone feel embarassed about something they simply cannot control (at this stage in their life).

You mentioned Buddhism and compassion. ...well, the truth is that compassion does work both ways and although I see your point and I understand the frustration and unfairness -it still follows that from an overall perspective it is both the socially anxious and the judgemental person who lack control over their emotional reactions. Just as both have an overconcern for appearance. ...and if looked at from this perspective, the divide between the two - 'aggressor' and 'victim' - is made much smaller; and likewise, a sense of disempowerment will not be perceived if and when a connection between the judger and the judged can be made.
This may -or will- entail an acceptance that some amount of unfairness is involved in this view of 'equality of two opposites' -but, what goes around comes around, and all the more quickly when we see the whole circle. ...or rather, when we see that it is a circle.

When I was 15, I got a mental health nurse to help me get out.
I told her about how I felt, and that people stare at me. Rather than the usual "it's all in your head response", she said 'ok, they look at you, but look at what you're doing right now'. I had my head down, I blushed, dragged my hair in my face and folded my arms, looking around me and back at the ground.

She said that its human nature to look at someone behaving like that, it's curiosity. And the more we do it, and try to hide, the more they're gonna want to see. That I drew that kind of attention by trying to avoid it.

But no, it's not nice, I hate it. But the majority of people can't even begin to relate to it. And I guess they just don't relise what they're doing with their reactions, the same way I wasn't aware of mine. It does seem like common sense though, considering they wouldn't do it with anyone else. (and sorry, I think I've pretty much just repeated part of missmuffets reply though, only she put it better).