Iv'e been thinking a lot about this lately. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and dysthymia (as well as some anxiety disorders) for about 5 years now. But I have been out of school for 5 months now because I did not want to do what I was doing anymore, especially when I didn't really care about being alive. In these months that have past, I have been allowing my inner desires to surface more, and have been listening to them and stopping myself from doing things that I think I only because of other people or society. As a result, here I am, completely blahhh....no inner wants or desires, or anything. I just satisfy my basic needs day to day.
An observation from the last week and several other moments in the summer: I don't feel depressed or sad some days (like just neutral), but I can't get out of bed because there is no reason to (I have no responsibilities at the moment) except for washroom when I cant hold anymore, or food when I feel like I'm going to throw up from not eating for a while. I also have no inkling to want to do anything with my life. I don't want to do certain job, or do anything. No goals. Nothing is coming from within, no intrinsic desires.
So my question is: am depressed? Can this be chalked up to mental illness, and a medication change will help. Or is this just who I am or have become, and its just the way it is? I'm simply not due to depression or mental illness, and sometimes people just turn out this way?
Also, is it possible to want to die, or at least consider it as a logical step, without it actually being due to depression? Like, I'm a burden on society, I don't really want to do anything, I'm basically just waiting until I die naturally. I go to sleep sometimes, and I don't want to wake up. Like, not in a finality sense, but like...I just want to stay in dream land forever. Sleep is so nice, it shuts off my brain, everything floats away.
So basically, the more I allow myself to become myself....I end up very apathetic, and thinking about life and death.
Ps. Also, I have had a busy life with a job and school and social life, but I still felt similar to this, except those things took up time. The problem is that I couldn't justify doing those things when I really didn't care about them. I also was quite depressed during those times. But the thought of going out and getting a job now really makes me feel like killing myself, because I feel like I will be someone else completely, and doing this job for someone else entirely.