timmid
Member
Hello everyone,
Not sure if this is the right forum to post this in, (Mods please move if needed) but I thought I would share my story and try to get some ideas.
When I was 7 (I am now 22) I moved to Canada with my Grandma, Grandpa and mum. As soon as I started school here, I was the victim of lots of teasing. (Being from England, I had a strong accent and a different style (clothes, hair, etc...) from the other kids).
This continued for several years, teachers did nothing to help. It was never physical, just verbal bullying, namecalling, etc...
When I was 9, my mother and I moved in with her new boyfriend but we moved out in about a year. At this time, she was not feeling well, and the Doctors(2 of them) diagnosed her with Asthma. Her condition continued to get worse until the doctors finally figured it out and diagnosed her with lung cancer. She died when I was 11. During the time she was sick, I was taken out of school for fear I would bring home colds making her worse.
I stayed with my grandparents for a year, then was placed in a short-term foster care, where there was some more bullying. I moved back to my grandparents place, then into a longer term foster care which worked out pretty well now that I look back on it (I still see my foster parents every week and even go camping with them every year just as a family would).
However, during all of this, my grades were suffering in school, I still didn't fit in with the other kids (even tho I wanted to blend in and be just like them) and was having quite a rough time with just getting through the days. I felt like everyone was watching me and judging me, etc... About 1.5 years after I moved in with the long term foster family, my Grandpa died while I was out of town in another province. I was devistated.
Again, more problems continued in school with me failing one course and barely making it. I moved back in with my Grandma when I was 16, graduated and started working at a local store. When I was 18 my Grandma died and had to move into a place of my own. Performance at work suffered a little bit, but one of my co-workers didn't like me and decided to blame some things on me. Long story shory, I was fired.
During all of this I only had a couple of close friends, but strangely I didn't talk much about that stuff with them.. They were more of an escape, a way to not think about all the things that bothered me. It was during this time that I began to get really self-concious and I think is where a lot of my SA formed. I would never go to parties with my friends, I wouldn't even go to a pub to hang out when I turned 19, I was paranoid of what other people would think of me when I went in there. My friend drove me around for about an hour one day with me totally paranoid about going to a pub but I finally did it. I was terrified. I didn't even order an alcoholic beveridge.
I always thought that "this would be the year of change" where I would be more social and do more things, party with my friends, go to clubs, etc... I won't even go to the gym or a run with my best friend, no matter how hard he tries to convince me. Three years later and I am pretty much still at square one.
My days now consist of getting up, working, coming home and vegging out for the rest of the evening. I see my friends maybe a couple of times a week (only have a few) and I don't do very much (mostly due to SA)
My 2 best friends are moving away at the end of the summer, and I really don't know what I will do then. Through all of this, I have never wanted life to end, somehow I have always been able to get through the days, months, years... but now I need some advice on how to get over my fears of people, meet new friends, be happy and start dating (I have been on three dates in my life and they were all near disasters, met them all online)
Thanks for reading this, leave comments or suggestions as you please.
Not sure if this is the right forum to post this in, (Mods please move if needed) but I thought I would share my story and try to get some ideas.
When I was 7 (I am now 22) I moved to Canada with my Grandma, Grandpa and mum. As soon as I started school here, I was the victim of lots of teasing. (Being from England, I had a strong accent and a different style (clothes, hair, etc...) from the other kids).
This continued for several years, teachers did nothing to help. It was never physical, just verbal bullying, namecalling, etc...
When I was 9, my mother and I moved in with her new boyfriend but we moved out in about a year. At this time, she was not feeling well, and the Doctors(2 of them) diagnosed her with Asthma. Her condition continued to get worse until the doctors finally figured it out and diagnosed her with lung cancer. She died when I was 11. During the time she was sick, I was taken out of school for fear I would bring home colds making her worse.
I stayed with my grandparents for a year, then was placed in a short-term foster care, where there was some more bullying. I moved back to my grandparents place, then into a longer term foster care which worked out pretty well now that I look back on it (I still see my foster parents every week and even go camping with them every year just as a family would).
However, during all of this, my grades were suffering in school, I still didn't fit in with the other kids (even tho I wanted to blend in and be just like them) and was having quite a rough time with just getting through the days. I felt like everyone was watching me and judging me, etc... About 1.5 years after I moved in with the long term foster family, my Grandpa died while I was out of town in another province. I was devistated.
Again, more problems continued in school with me failing one course and barely making it. I moved back in with my Grandma when I was 16, graduated and started working at a local store. When I was 18 my Grandma died and had to move into a place of my own. Performance at work suffered a little bit, but one of my co-workers didn't like me and decided to blame some things on me. Long story shory, I was fired.
During all of this I only had a couple of close friends, but strangely I didn't talk much about that stuff with them.. They were more of an escape, a way to not think about all the things that bothered me. It was during this time that I began to get really self-concious and I think is where a lot of my SA formed. I would never go to parties with my friends, I wouldn't even go to a pub to hang out when I turned 19, I was paranoid of what other people would think of me when I went in there. My friend drove me around for about an hour one day with me totally paranoid about going to a pub but I finally did it. I was terrified. I didn't even order an alcoholic beveridge.
I always thought that "this would be the year of change" where I would be more social and do more things, party with my friends, go to clubs, etc... I won't even go to the gym or a run with my best friend, no matter how hard he tries to convince me. Three years later and I am pretty much still at square one.
My days now consist of getting up, working, coming home and vegging out for the rest of the evening. I see my friends maybe a couple of times a week (only have a few) and I don't do very much (mostly due to SA)
My 2 best friends are moving away at the end of the summer, and I really don't know what I will do then. Through all of this, I have never wanted life to end, somehow I have always been able to get through the days, months, years... but now I need some advice on how to get over my fears of people, meet new friends, be happy and start dating (I have been on three dates in my life and they were all near disasters, met them all online)
Thanks for reading this, leave comments or suggestions as you please.
