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Old 07-18-2008
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I have very few physical ocd "ticks" as ive come to call them. i have moments of clarity and then i have moments where i have obsessive thoughts. i know people that have ocd where they wash all the time and things like that.i i feel like im stuck in my own personal hell...except, ive brought someone with me. My girlfriend, who is add/manic depressive. we love each other dearly, but i know theres times, and shes expressed her feelings on this, where i know im hard to be around and get along with. im not only OCD but i also have anxiety disorder which just compounds the problems. I was abused as a child. Intimidated and beaten by my father until i was 16 and moved out. ive never really felt loved up until now. My thoughts usually are unrealistic and fairly odd. Like "she doesnt really love me" , when she goes out of her way to show me she does. i obsess over our relationship, the very small things or "quirks" that she has, and my own insecurityies. It used to not be so bad, but then again i think ocd is one reason ive kinda always needed to be alone. if i feel something isnt right ill annoy her with questions of "are you ok" and if i dont get an answer i really start having problems. I OCD over sex. When its been a while since we have made love i get the repeating thoughts of "well, if she loved me we would be making love" then i start fights over it compulsively just trying to get these thoughts out of my head. Its really frustrating. The other thing is, she can see a physical change in my mood when i start obsessing. i get irritated and usually pretty upset. ive done and said things out of frustration and anger over things that are hurtful and afterwards wished i could take back. i was diagnosed with anxiety disorder cause of anger issues. im am a physically angry person at times of frustration. I "lose it" so to speak. im getting better with that part and with obsessing with every little thing she does. I cant take your normal regiment of sri's to control any of this as they just make me crazier pretty much. Since shes add/manic im really trying to get a grip on things fairly successful so far, but it took alot for me to get to where im at now. we really started fighting pretty badly about a week ago and i pretty much kicked her out, she has no where else to go and not only that but out of my fit of rage i told her i hated her.....and pushed her out the door at which point she hitchiked to the nearest phone and called my parents to help her. once i came out of my bloodrage i realized what i had done, what i had said, and the trust i broke. i feel like crap and have been really regretful for the things ive said and done in the past. shes always been there for me, and it scared me to think when i looked out the door and she wasnt there, that something couldve happened to her, someone could take her and hurt her. when she came back all i could do was cry. ive vowed to break myself of this, no matter what it takes, so i never do things like this again to the person i care about most in this world. i keep a list of all the great things shes done for me, mentally, and when i obsess about our relationship i refer to that list and it helps...ALOT. i leave and go talk to friends about it and that gives me some relief to the compulsive part and i just spend time to myself thinking about whats important. ive went a week now with obsessing over anything except locked doors, and i can live with that. what i cant live with is losing someone i love so much in my battle with ocd when shes been the one thing to stand steadfast with me, even when my ocd is affect US. i know theres othere out there like me, being affected by this like me, and i tell you dont give up hope, dont self loathe and keep your head up.
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Old 07-19-2008
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I've come to realise that i've had a few regrets in life, I try to have none. But anyway, my anti-social behavior and my anxiety came between my last relationship. For the first time i truly felt love for another person. I've never felt that way before, and I have a feeling i never will again.. atleast for a long time. My bahavior finally made her decide to leave me, something I never expected to happen. We were so close that i felt we could overcome anything in time. Looking back i know i would have acted differently, or atlest tried hard enough to control my behavior had i realised that she would actually leave me even though she made me believe that she loved me as much as she said she did.
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Old 07-20-2008
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Well, Ive come to realize over the years theres only so much a person can deal with, no matter how much they love you. Its just a shame that it took such extreme thing for me to really set my mind to overcome it, when i used to just accept it. God helps those who are willing to accept it and you have to realize its never gonna be on your terms!
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