meeting new people

Recently, I went to a birthday party of a co-worker. Our other co-workers were late in coming and I didn't know anybody else there.

I didn't want to be a leech and just hang out with the birthday boy, so I tried to mingle...but it seems that most weren't that interested in talking to me.

Of note...the birthday boy did introduce me when I arrived, but that didn't really seem to make a difference.

When I mingle with new people, I don't even talk about myself, I try to ask interesting questions about them, but most don't reciprocate. I don't ask them questions that are too personal (like where do you live, etc, but "what kind of work do you do or small talk...). But most will answer in short answers as if they're being questioned by the police. Most don't make eye contact neither.

This isn't the 1st time that this has happened. So it makes me think that there's something wrong with me or my approach....maybe my breath is bad? I don't think so....I'm pretty sensitive about that and try strongly to keep my breath fresh.

I just don't get it...

when i meet new people all i can think of is to ask them questions and people have told me that it comes across as interrogative. i dont think i could talk about myself though im not particularly interesting

There are some body language factors like slouching, not making eye contact, speaking quietly, etc. that can make people less likely to want to talk to you. Maybe this is where the problem is? Also, asking questions is good because people generally like to blab about themselves and like the attention. However, you also have to tell stuff about yourself so people feel like they can trust you and tell you about themselves and answer your questions more fully. Unfortunately, these things are easier said than done lol.

Unfortunately, to have a disinclination to new people makes it feel unnatural and uncomfortable. I myself have given up hope on being one of those friendly faces people because I know that that is not who I am for now.

I don't attend parties most of the time but rely on natural situations for making friends. The people I become friends with are mostly from out of situations where I was forced into their company. (co-workers, people I sat next to in class, like-minded people who I can debate with)

allshiedout said:

but it seems that most weren't that interested in talking to me.

Click to expand...

Many of the posts on here have a similar theme. Someone tries to do something a couple of times like talk to new people or whatever, it turns out bad, and then there response is to come back and think that they can plan everything out beforehand, figure out what to say, how to act, and so on. It is avoidance of fear and will get you nowhere.

If I was you, I would focus on confronting your fears not trying to plan them away. Maybe that means going out there and getting rejected a lot more, going out there with nothing to say and just baring the silence, and so on.

hey
im the same
im basically scared of talking about myself incase they just suddenly walk off when im half way through a sentence
And iv tried to make my voice louder and more expressionative
its hard but it works give it go
just pretend your confident when your asking questions and look as tho your interested

allshiedout said:

Recently, I went to a birthday party of a co-worker. Our other co-workers were late in coming and I didn't know anybody else there.

I didn't want to be a leech and just hang out with the birthday boy, so I tried to mingle...but it seems that most weren't that interested in talking to me.

Of note...the birthday boy did introduce me when I arrived, but that didn't really seem to make a difference.

When I mingle with new people, I don't even talk about myself, I try to ask interesting questions about them, but most don't reciprocate. I don't ask them questions that are too personal (like where do you live, etc, but "what kind of work do you do or small talk...). But most will answer in short answers as if they're being questioned by the police. Most don't make eye contact neither.

This isn't the 1st time that this has happened. So it makes me think that there's something wrong with me or my approach....maybe my breath is bad? I don't think so....I'm pretty sensitive about that and try strongly to keep my breath fresh.

I just don't get it...

Click to expand...

Well you are doing everything correctly. Problem is there could be other factors. You say bad breath and that might not be the case but it could be something similar. Maybe your approach, or perhaps your body language, etc. In fact maybe you could ask therapis or friend to watch you and see if anything you do might be scaring people by accident.

The other, more likely answer is that others are having the same issues you are. Even people who don't seem shy to you, everyone still has those same fears you do.. they are afraid to talk to strangers, might be afraid they are bothering you, or are uncomfortable in their own ways.

I can tell when others feel this way because I feel it too, right? So now you have no idea why they act this way because either 1)they are self-conscious or 2)they don't like you for some reason. You'll NEVER find the answer from those people so the only thing you can do is continue trying to make small talk at parties and run into someone who isn't afraid, and also figure out ways to make yourself seem more personable in general.

Mingling just turns out very shallow and non-giving for me. The conversations are filled with the boring and usual matters like the weather, the work, the spare time activities and so on. They always turn into superficial laughs and jokes and practically are of no use. Hence the fact that I try to avoid it, though the options mostly are either being a leech on someone's arm or a recluse in the darkness in a corner.

When they start answering all questions by yes or now like it was an interrogation it's probably because they experience it as maybe a little too personal or boring to talk about. It seems to me like there is a trick to make people talk to you; a combination of body language and knowing what to say. A joke could maybe trigger a snowball effect in which you can chat with someone about virtually everything. It's just so hard to find out what and when to say it^^.