I feel almost completely like you . My main fear now is different now, i m affraid of being hospitalized for any problem. I was almost hospitalized for bowell problems during a riots in my city , i survived but i m scared as a shit.
Depersonalization is IMHO this : You think so much of some subject , with a much effort, like something is really really important to you, brain isnt able to find you a solution because there is none , suddenly brain retreats and flies away and is coming back only if u are behaving good to him.
My first depresonalization as i i remember happened when i was on a excursion final grade in gymnasium, i put to much effort on me, got a high temperature and then i scream to brain : I want home, i want home for hours when apparently home wasnt in sight. I havent been patient, and so my brain decided to leave me till the end of the trip. When i finally got home i rushed to my grandmas house (she hated me just like she do now, and that whole situation bring somehow brain back, but he come back just to say you lose your mind completely boy and i cried in front of her while she was smiling inside). When i got my home, i kinda recovered a bit. That excursion was a hell i can tell you . I prepared for it and went there sleepy in great expectations. They said exurcions are great fun. Whole trip forward i was trying to get some sleep. Cameras were everywhere. When i got there i felt so isolated from others that at the evening in the ballroom i got a bit drunk at the dinner table. Then i decided to act weird. By accident i pushed a bottle of red wine over the table. Chemistry teacher lady was lookin mad at me. I got affraid. She was notorious alcoholic and man-like lady. Then i smile and pushed another bottle on table , wine was all over. After that i left the ballroom and got totally drunk and went in the woods with a compass (i havent got a flashlight and it was completely dark ), i was there for an hour and then got to my room and sleep finaly a bit. Next night was critical, i asked a nicest girl in my class to walk with me in front of cameras and she agreed.
I was analyzing myself non-stop which leaded that i switch my suit taylored for that occasion only to another one (i was feelin hot extremely, and i asked that girl if she is feeling hot like i was several times..I dont know what does she meant ) . After cameras catch me and her walking in the line we sat on a table and my brain already hesitate if he would stand this torture any more. I was escorted to my room by the buddy , i got a high temperature. In the room i tried all night to get some sleep. Everybody was drunk and made a lot of weird noise in the halls. I locked the door, soon after roomates come and i was pretending that i was sleepin. they tried to break in with no succes. They slept on the floor in other rooms in celebratin suits. In the morning my temperature gots even more higher, so a friend of my give me brufen. Brain said goodbye. Next eight ours were desguisting, some pain in ass friend tried to entertain me while depresonalized. Next part i described previously. I remeber two more Depersonalizatied experience but i thought this was the funny one
