It isn't people i hate, it is the uncertainty

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Yeah I think I know what you mean.

I feel that if I initiate a conversation without a reason, I lose my social right to bring my life back to normal, like everyone else can. And if I'm not viewed as normal, I remain a target in a very tightly-packed social atmosphere. Then people will not be as reserved to make my life unnormal, thereby scuttling my dreams perhaps.

For example, if I make a scene on a bus by yelling "woohoo!", people will stare at me. Some might even talk back to me or ask me questions when they normally wouldn't, since I have given them a justification for their actions so they don't have to come out of their normal.

I too cannot start speaking or smile without a reason.