I think I have avoidant personality disorder

I haven't done anything outside of school related activities, school, or eating with my family (which I have avoided some times because I was afraid my dad would embarass me) since last summer, and last summer I only did one thing the entire summer which was have a friend come over one night because he was bored.

During the summer I started reading about personality disorders and I thought I might have schizoid personality disorder or avpd. The more I read the more I realized I didn't have schizoid personality disorder (its not that common anyway), and the more I read the more I thought I have avpd. It had been so long since I had been around people that the symptoms didn't appear as much and it was difficult to tell, but now that I've been around people I can see the avoidant.

They don't diagnose personality disorders until 16, 17, or usually 18 (which would mean I have to wait, but I would have waited anyway).

I don't have a support network, but I'm trying to build one up, but its difficult because I always withhold information from people and it makes me silent in person. Its also difficult because (I just realized this) that I think people reject me even when they don't, and now I just assume people don't want me around them. I think I'm ugly (sometimes), unintelligent (sometimes), and I know I'm socially inferior.

I overreact to small criticisms, sometimes I get really angry, but most of the time I don't show it or I without thinking start trying to justify whatever stupid thing they just criticized me of, even if they were just teasing or joking. I forget that they were just joking because I'm so sensitive to it.

Even before I came to this site or knew what social phobia or any of the disorders were, I viewed my life as a series of rejections. I have found so many memorys from when I was little of the other kids rejecting me. My parents rejected me, always treating me like an immature kid who can't think and then they would have me sit at a different table than them at resturaunts. They never wanted to do anything with me. My dad never talked to me unless he was giving me work or talking down to me (and hes still like that, especially if I express my opinion on anything). Hes convinced that hes so damn right but hes really ignorant. My mom left me at daycare all the time, where the other kids excluded me because they didn't like me. Kids in my neighbhorhood excluded me, then they would do mean things to me like put tar in my shoes or steal/break my stuff. There are so many times I got rejected or excluded in my life that I could write probably nonstop about them. In elementary school I had the memory of a college student (or the tests say so anyway).

I've always been extremely sensitive, and could be made to cry easy even in 8th grade. It doesn't happen anymore because I've become completely withdrawn, and I hate my personality. Whenever I open up people think I'm crazy and get annoyed by me.

I'm so angry. I'm so messed up now. I can't talk in person or on the phone. People used to pick on me, but not anymore. I hate seeing other people getting picked on.

My brain keeps forcing me into fantasy. I can't control it. It is happening as I write this. I spend almost all day (perhaps 99% of the time I'm awake, even while I'm doing something else) focused on a bunch of different random fantasys, like dreams (daydreaming).

This sucks so much and I can see that alot of what I think isn't true but when it comes to being around people if one thought gets trigged then a whole string of thoughts gets triggered and I can't focus or do whatever it is I am doing because I'm too busy with those thoughts and thinking about suicide.

To finish this I'll say that I hate how little information there is on personality disorders. About a quarter of the population has one, so we should know more about them.

If I posted this on any other site people would tell me to go kill myself. If thats your reply then I don't care that you read this and don't respond.

It wont get much attention anyway just because of its location.

Hang in there buddy!

Just take this one day at a time and work towards your goals.

Be kind to yourself first off.

J

Hi Warlock. Just wanted to tell you that I've experienced some of the same feelings that you expressed. When I read a description of AvPD I said "wow, that is me". Then I found this site and I don't feel quite so alone in the world, and things are a bit better. Hope that happens for you too.

Now that I know why I'm alone, I find myself able to identify negative thoughts for what they are... those thoughts do not define reality and are only the way in which my mind tries to maintain the status quo, rejecting change. When I hear my brain begin that negative loop and feel the anxiety building, I force myself to stop that tape and I try to force my brain into concentrating on relaxing each muscle in turn, starting with my temples and around my eyes and working down to my toes. This takes so much concentration to do and maintain the relaxation that my brain can't focus on the emotional distress too. It doesn't work all the time, but when it does, it's a great feeling.

I've also stopped expecting myself to find something to say that will make others feel good so they will like me. I've taken on the attitude that I am quiet, love it or leave it. People can reject me if they want but it will be their loss more than mine, because I know that I can be alone and not only survive, but perhaps flourish, if I learn to compliment and encourage myself. It is the habit of idealizing others that causes the feelings of inferiority inside ourselves, and if we can conquer that we will make great strides in accepting and enjoying our lives.

I don't know if any of this helps you, but I felt the need to respond to your post, to let you know that you aren't alone in this. Good luck!

i remember hiding in my room when i used to live with my parents.....at family parties etc i wouldnt eat nothing because i didnt want to be seen eating , i used to have a phobia that when i ate i looked deformed or i didnt eat right or something or i made too much noise when i ate or id be heard swallowing my food etc.......i avoided situations with boyfriends or friends when i had to eat or something......i was able to drink but it was alcoholic drinks and id get very very drunk and end up going off to be alone anyway.....i would wait untill my mom and dad were at work before i went downstairs to have something to eat .
What helped me to accept the way i did eat was after watching bigbrother....the way the people ate on that programme i was like wow if they can eat on camera 24/7 and the way they ate wasnt that flattering either it gave me hope and acceptance that how i ate was actually not as bad as most of the housemates lol :lol:
I can now go out for a meal etc
I have accepted myself for having a human right to eat........its what animals insects and humans do......its an everyday thing
I still feel edgy if im eating and the door knocks or something...i hide and panick and then cant finish my meal
but ive conquered the eating out in public because i faced that fear
i have a lot more phobias and fears that i have over come heres a lil list of some of them
reading aloud.......answering the phone at work.......singing in public....dancing in public......public speaking......being seen without make-up on........afraid of the door knocking .....and phone ringing.....afraid of having curtains open........scared of the dark....scared of going to sleep without light on.....scared of sleeping without the tv on......scared of swallowing....scared of moving while a film is on....scared to use the loo in a cinema.....terrified of boyfriends parents.....
flip the list goes on
scared to be seen in the local swimming bathes
scared to go the the gym
lol
makes me wonder how i live and manage to run a home and raise kids but we have an amazing family life and do manage to have fun on a daily basis
maybe its cause ive made a bubble we all feel safe in....i dont know
8O

:lol: i forgot to sign in
i wana add the fear of being kissed by people or hugged like when someone visits and when they leave
or visiting my nans etc i would be so scared id either hide in the bathroom or leave quickly and get in the car
I have managed to cope witha lot of these fears by facing them
i still feel a lil nervy but nothing in comparison to how i used to be
Jesus and antidepressants have been a blessing also
Love
Cutefluffykitten

i think i have the same thing. also i want to explain something and it might be confusing so try to keep up.

i have all of those things like afraid of getting close to people because i am afraid of them not liking me. i also have ocd which the websites say people with avpd may have. with me, i create these scenarios i my head, like saying really boring things, being mean and being completely dorky even though i know it isnt me. i am those things sometimes, but i exaggerate them a lot, and so it makes me afraid. i think the root of the problem of me being afraid is the ocd because i read that people with ocd have fears such as losing control, etc.. for some reason i also feel ashamed to do things normal people do. i dont like talking pictures cause i feel fake(maybe cuz im not happy), dancing and being able to be affectionate with my family and personable with others. its like i am not human. im a nice person but i feel really uncomfortable being affectionate with my family and friendly cuz i think its not me. i want to be but i dont no. i also think my parents are weird also but anyway i think the ocd may be the root. im also extremely self conscience eating cuz i feel like a big.
also, i have no idea who i am, but iwant to change it. im 17 and there is good news too. the girls in my school who were mean are nice now. so if u guys are being bothered now at a young age then i say dont worry cuz i think people get oloder and realize u no wat were in this world together blah blah.. lol u no . and itoo fantasize and i cant concentrate. i thought i had add. but i think this is what i should do. first cure the ocd( a combo of compulsions and then my fears) then it will help me get over my apd then over my depression. im telling u guys this cuz i think u have to get tothe root of the problem and then work upwards. if u no wat im trying to say then write back and also if u think ocd is the root cuz im goin into therapy soon so i want to know if i make sense. good luck

o i meant i feel "like a big pig".