i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

i find that if i'm with someone i know im going to be spending quite alot of time with...e.g people in a new class or something, i freeze up and cant socialize, and then they class me as the "quiet one".once im under that label, it becomes 10000000 times harder to come out of it, and that makes me even more self-conscious. for example, i might actually have something to say ina conversation one day and want to contribute in some way, but because i KNOW that they have already made their judgment and think im quiet and thats it..i cant.because if i do speak up after a while people wil always make a big thing of it, instead of treating you like everyone else and responding to what you;re saying. they say things like "omg you spoke" like thats really gonna make me wanna talk again if thats all the response i get???

I feel like if im gonna be accepted like evryone else and treated the same..i need to be loauder and more talkative the FIRST time i meet them, otherwise i have a label on myself, its like bars that come down around me as soon as people see me as that and i just cant get OUT of them. i cant break free. so i guess i need to learn how to be more outgoing on the first instance.

Re: i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

I know exactly what you mean, I feel the same way. It does seem like we either need to be more outgoing in the first instance, or just stop caring when they make a big deal when we do finally warm up and talk. I think if you can get past the first few "OMG, she has a voice" comments, they'll start accepting you more and stop treating you like a novelty.

Re: i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

Most people act shy the first couple of times they enter a new social environment. So being quiet the first times you meet people won't make them label you as 'the quiet/shy one'. When entering a group,I think it's important to get to know 1 or 2 people at first, even if it's just small talk... If people see you are making 1 or 2 friends, they won't label you as shy, and those friends can help introducing you to the rest of the group in a more relaxed way...

Re: i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

know it doesnt help anything but i found a good quote.. "Labels are devices for saving talkative persons the trouble of thinking"

Re: i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

I can relate to this very well - to me one of the most cruel things human beings do to another is labelling them, and then shoving them into a wee small box; this is even though a person is SO MUCH MORE than a single label can possibly describe.

What I think is really important is "being yourself" - I mean yeah you could try being really outgoing from the outset and being the soul of the party... but unless that is "truly you" that image will break down sooner or later, especially if you get stressed out and can no longer "maintain" that persona.

However that also does not mean you should become a "mute" like society labels you - again that might not be "being you" either. Just because we are shy / introverted / have SA does NOT make us mutes! We have the right to speech just as anyone else; it's just that on average, we speak a bit less than other people.

So yeah, if you've got something to say - say it, with a "so be it" attitude. If they see you in a new light - as the "real you" - so be it, that's cool. If they gawk and gasp at you saying "omg you spoke" - so be it, since when was it a sin to speak?

Sometimes I enjoy the very act of breaking down people's cute little expectations of the world and other people.

Re: i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

Wow, i know exactly what you mean. That's why when i'm having a bad day and someone comes round the house i've never met, i hide away upstairs because i fear that if they see me depressed, they're going to expect me to be depressed all the time and find it strange if i'm having a good day lol.

I hate being labelled 'the-quiet-one-with-depression-and-anxiety' amongst my friends all the time. As hard as it'll be, once i build up abit of confidence i'm going to be the 'me' i know i am inside ... the happy aimee, who loves a laugh and a joke around. It'll be strange for them seeing me sing and dance around (i always do when i'm alone - just too shy to infront of people) ... but once i do it a few times they'll get used to it and then i can truely be ME infront of them.

Re: i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

tooshytosay said:

I can relate to this very well - to me one of the most cruel things human beings do to another is labelling them, and then shoving them into a wee small box; this is even though a person is SO MUCH MORE than a single label can possibly describe.

What I think is really important is "being yourself" - I mean yeah you could try being really outgoing from the outset and being the soul of the party... but unless that is "truly you" that image will break down sooner or later, especially if you get stressed out and can no longer "maintain" that persona.

However that also does not mean you should become a "mute" like society labels you - again that might not be "being you" either. Just because we are shy / introverted / have SA does NOT make us mutes! We have the right to speech just as anyone else; it's just that on average, we speak a bit less than other people.

So yeah, if you've got something to say - say it, with a "so be it" attitude. If they see you in a new light - as the "real you" - so be it, that's cool. If they gawk and gasp at you saying "omg you spoke" - so be it, since when was it a sin to speak?

Sometimes I enjoy the very act of breaking down people's cute little expectations of the world and other people.

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Good advice. I think it myself sometimes. It's just hat much harder when ur in the position, at the time I just panic!

Re: i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

this is the worst when people notice my quietness and if i start to open up they notice

worse my teacher in highschool used to say hes really coming out of his shell and that made me retreat and be quiet all the time.

Re: i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

Yeah even when people don't mean it in a bad or intimidating way it still then makes me more self concious and anxious. It bothers me cause I'm at a point where I know who my real friends are and who really just accept the whole thing and can see past it butthe thing is, I don't accept it, I don't want to see past it! Because it's not me and I'm jot going to give jbto what it makes me think is real. Gone a bit off subject but jut wish I could make that leap woth certain people.

Re: i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

I have this all the time. When I was still young and naive, I thought of myself as a failure because of it and always in a new group I was telling myself, I have to start differently this time, not let them know that I am quiet. But that's a nonsense, it NEVER works and I know it never will. Because it is how your body and mind functions, you can't consciously influence it into making yourself uninhibited and chatty, when you are naturally not. Guess we are all a bit autistic in this sense. When you're consciously trying to be like others, it never works and you're only going to make fool of yourself because it doesn't seem natural. So all I can do is trying to be myself, which means being ill - awkward and quiet. Even if I talk a lot sometimes, there is this strange awkwardness and kind of "mute" quality, so others label you as quiet even if you speak. Because it's not really about the speaking, it's about the whole interacting stuff.

Re: i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

I am plagued with the name problem, too. This scenario always crosses my mind. What if I were to start talking all the sudden in a group that sees me as the quiet, strange one? In one way, I hate it because I think most people would think I have been drinking or something (as it's the only time I am really fun or can open up.) And of course I know that people would make a deal out of it, like you mentioned. But another part of me thinks it would be a COOL thing to do (if I could ever muster the courage) because it makes me feel like I don't have SA all that much. Instead, I am just an aloof but strong person who can speak up when she wants to.

Though, I also think that most people would NOT say anything about it. I think they would have a surprised look on their faces and listen more intently to you (which could be pressuring.) But, overall, I think they want to hear what you have to say. I think only a select group of jackasses would have to make a big deal out of it, lol.

Have you ever read the book Grendel? Everyone labeled Grendel as this awful monster. And because of this, he starts to live up to the labels he was bestowed. It's exactly like that for us, too, huh? It's hard to break out of what people have already decided we are...It does take a lot of courage to do that. To do the unexpected. Maybe if we try not to look at it through their point of view it will make things easier. Make believe that it's just a normal, expected occurrence for us to speak up.

Re: i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

Lea said:

I have this all the time. When I was still young and naive, I thought of myself as a failure because of it and always in a new group I was telling myself, I have to start differently this time, not let them know that I am quiet.

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I've always felt like this, too. I've always had this 'starting fresh' mentality. I remember it started to happen when I was in 4th grade - on up to about 11th grade. I'd say to myself at the beginning of the school year, "I am going to start fresh. I am going to talk this year." And then I would make stupid goals like, I have until December 1st to talk. I only ever came close once in 7th grade. Nothing came out of it. But, now, I see that it could have possibly. It's harder to break out of it when you are older, and I think it mostly has to do with losing 'hope.'

Re: i can't start coming out of my shell with people who already see me as "quiet"!

I'm not really sure about the quiet attitude label.... because I've met other people who don't speak often, yet they get people's attention and respect. Unlike me, who is normally quiet too and sometimes opens my opinion, but seems unheard and unnoticed or ignored. Maybe there's just something wrong with my behavior. It's not being quiet that makes you prone to nasty criticisms. I think if you're quiet but have the confident attitude, people will just treat you as nice. But if you're quiet and timid, people will really take an advantage of you. That's what I've observed. So usually, I hide in a mask by trying to intimidate people with my quiet personality. Because if I show them that I'm really scared. I'm sure they'll attack me. I just make sure that sometimes, I express my opinion or ask questions randomly, so that they'll notice that I have the initiative to speak if I want to. And as for me, I think it's actually working. It's just awkward that other people see me as a snob instead but I guess it's much better than being seen as a next bully victim. :: Anyway, I have few friends whom I can depend on and I think they're ok enpugh. I don't really need a large group of friends. What's best is that I'm with people whom I'm comfortable with.