iwanthappiness
Member
How is the Relationship of a SA person to his/her gf/bf or spouse? does it makes differ from a relationship with no social anxiety?
How is the Relationship of a SA person to his/her gf/bf or spouse?
- Thread starter iwanthappiness
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neko
Well-known member
Mine is quite normal. I feel very comfortable around him, more than anyone else. Except when I'm very upset, I have trouble telling how I feel, sometimes I think of what I want to say and it just won't come out. Other than that, it's great! I wish I felt this way with everyone else.
Harleyq
Well-known member
Oh my God, I could outwrite an encyclopedia with problems my anxiety used to give my relationship.
Now it's fairly stable but at first, it was difficult. My bf is an extrovert, and he comes from a family of VERY outgoing people (and the family is BIG - his grandparents, parents, aunts, and cousins all live next door to eachother) - so outgoing that they really can't fathom people being introverted, much less shy and anxious. The first year or so, I struggled a lot because all of them including my bf couldn't understand why I was so frightened to eat dinner with them, or visit his house instead of him visiting me, or why I had trouble calling him, or why I was so quiet whenever we were in a big room. And even after I explained it, my bf still didn't understand why it wasn't ok to ask me to social events at the last minute and bring me into a big group of people I'd never met, or only met a few times.
It got so bad that his family actually held an intervention with him to try to get him to dump me and at least one member told him outright LIES to get him to leave me (saying I was f-cking around, that I was the reason he quit college, etc). And when he tried to explain that I had anxiety they just went "So!? Then she needs to get help. What's so hard about that!?" and he agreed with them. They just didn't get it and they didn't understand how debilitating my anxiety made me and how much WORSE it was when suddenly I'm pretty much expected to just snap out of it and become this friendly social butterfly among a huge group of people who are loud and boisterous and completely unlike my own quiet, conservative family.
But on the upside, they were right about me needing to get help, so I did. So in a way, all that stress did me some good. Now (5 years later) my bf is MUCH more understanding and more considerate to my anxiety problems, whereas before, he was just confused and frustrated. I'm not sure how his family feels about me, but they've eased up on me, at least. Since seeking help, my anxiety's improved a bit too - I can call him and go to his house to see him now, even though it still makes me anxious and I still avoid interaction with his family when I can. And I've gotten a little better at meeting the other people in his life. I don't panic as much as I used to.
I can't say things wouldn't have been easier if maybe I'd gotten with someone who lived with a quieter, smaller family because I think I would've adjusted into the relationship much more smoothly, but at the same time, I think the anxiety problems I had, that I don't have anymore, would've taken a lot longer to remedy. So either way, there's good and bad.
Now it's fairly stable but at first, it was difficult. My bf is an extrovert, and he comes from a family of VERY outgoing people (and the family is BIG - his grandparents, parents, aunts, and cousins all live next door to eachother) - so outgoing that they really can't fathom people being introverted, much less shy and anxious. The first year or so, I struggled a lot because all of them including my bf couldn't understand why I was so frightened to eat dinner with them, or visit his house instead of him visiting me, or why I had trouble calling him, or why I was so quiet whenever we were in a big room. And even after I explained it, my bf still didn't understand why it wasn't ok to ask me to social events at the last minute and bring me into a big group of people I'd never met, or only met a few times.
It got so bad that his family actually held an intervention with him to try to get him to dump me and at least one member told him outright LIES to get him to leave me (saying I was f-cking around, that I was the reason he quit college, etc). And when he tried to explain that I had anxiety they just went "So!? Then she needs to get help. What's so hard about that!?" and he agreed with them. They just didn't get it and they didn't understand how debilitating my anxiety made me and how much WORSE it was when suddenly I'm pretty much expected to just snap out of it and become this friendly social butterfly among a huge group of people who are loud and boisterous and completely unlike my own quiet, conservative family.
But on the upside, they were right about me needing to get help, so I did. So in a way, all that stress did me some good. Now (5 years later) my bf is MUCH more understanding and more considerate to my anxiety problems, whereas before, he was just confused and frustrated. I'm not sure how his family feels about me, but they've eased up on me, at least. Since seeking help, my anxiety's improved a bit too - I can call him and go to his house to see him now, even though it still makes me anxious and I still avoid interaction with his family when I can. And I've gotten a little better at meeting the other people in his life. I don't panic as much as I used to.
I can't say things wouldn't have been easier if maybe I'd gotten with someone who lived with a quieter, smaller family because I think I would've adjusted into the relationship much more smoothly, but at the same time, I think the anxiety problems I had, that I don't have anymore, would've taken a lot longer to remedy. So either way, there's good and bad.
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harleyq says it quite well.
it's difficult if your bf/gf, spouse is not understanding.
and it takes time for that understanding to happen.
most times...that understanding never comes. only quick judgments are made.
consider yourself lucky harleyq...very lucky he is understanding.
because yes, depending on the severity, it can have a detrimental impact on the relationship. usually ending it.
i've been through many...including divorce.
it's difficult if your bf/gf, spouse is not understanding.
and it takes time for that understanding to happen.
most times...that understanding never comes. only quick judgments are made.
consider yourself lucky harleyq...very lucky he is understanding.
because yes, depending on the severity, it can have a detrimental impact on the relationship. usually ending it.
i've been through many...including divorce.
Harleyq
Well-known member
Oh yeah, the thought of losing my relationship to my anxiety is what prompted me to get help, after his family came at him and were gunning against me. I'd say for at least the first 3 years, we were on-again, off-again, at first mainly due to my anxiety issues, and then later, some of his own issues.
People tell me I'm so lucky to have found a guy that's genuinely a good guy and who loves me and has stuck by me, and I believe them, but at the same time I'm always compelled to say "Yeah, but we went through A LOT of sh-t to get to where we are. It was a long, emotionally stressful road"
It's like Roseanne Barr said on her show - men (and women) don't just come out of a box being almost-perfect, you have to invest your years into them.
exactly...and most people, regardless of their state of mind, are NOT willing to work through the shit. it takes TWO to make a relationship work...and you are lucky to have found the one who is willing to make it work with you.
that, is hard to find these days
this_portrait
Well-known member
Hm, well, the guy I'm currently dating also has SA, so he's pretty understanding of how my mind works and how I feel about certain situations. He has his SA more under control than I have mine, so in a way our social anxieties balance each other out.
The only issue I seem to have that he's more comfortable with is physical contact, something our last date consisted a bit of. Nothing extreme, just some hand-holding and a hug, but still, it was kind of unexpected to me, and awkward. Luckily, though, for the hand-holding, we were in a movie theatre, so he couldn't see that I was red all the way out to my ears at first. What's odd is that, according to him, with all the other girls he's dated in the past, it would have bothered him if there was a lack of contact. With me, though, he doesn't mind. I'm not sure if it's because I'm the first person with SA he's dated (or even met, for that matter), or if it's something else.
Either way, it seems to be working out altogether.
The only issue I seem to have that he's more comfortable with is physical contact, something our last date consisted a bit of. Nothing extreme, just some hand-holding and a hug, but still, it was kind of unexpected to me, and awkward. Luckily, though, for the hand-holding, we were in a movie theatre, so he couldn't see that I was red all the way out to my ears at first. What's odd is that, according to him, with all the other girls he's dated in the past, it would have bothered him if there was a lack of contact. With me, though, he doesn't mind. I'm not sure if it's because I'm the first person with SA he's dated (or even met, for that matter), or if it's something else.
Either way, it seems to be working out altogether.
with all the dating sites on the internet, you would think someone would create one where people with phobias could get together. it's extremely hard looking when you read the ads of people who have their lives together...and you know, almost without doubt, they would never look at you, simply because they dont understand SA/P...you're automatically presumed, not relationship material. i seriously believe people with social anxietys/phobias are able to understand each other, without a word being said. and you also know, that if emotions are to be shared, there is a level of understanding not found in those "normal" people.