How do you Open Up/Talk to a Shy Person???

Let's say you have a particular classmate that's constantly on their own (as in, always sitting by themselves, etc) and every time you try to talk to them the conversation either ends really quickly and/or sometimes (unfortunately) becomes awkward...what would you do? How do you open them up?

People may ask me why I care...Well, let's just say that I was once shy and worked really, really hard to overcome it. It would've been nice if someone talked to me but a lot of it was done through hard work and joining clubs (such as Toastmasters) to overcome my fears. The thing is, it's difficult for me to relate because it's been so long since I was in that position. And I'd love nothing more than to talk to more people, especially people that I've always found interesting but never really had the chance to get to know (because of their shyness)

So my questions, in no particular order are:

1) What do you ask a shy person without sounding corny? Asking things like "How's the weather?" or "What do you plan to do after University?" are, in my opinion, not the best openers. Think "high-school" type of questions, things that won't come across as awkward, weird, or both.

#2 is aimed for shy people but anyone's opinion is welcome
2) If you're shy, what do you think would be a legitimate question to ask...what would make you want to come out of your seat and join a group, knowing full well that the group you've been listening to across the class isn't as evil as you may think?

Would you mind it if we asked you to come join us, or would you find it better if I personally came up to you and said "hey, can you help me with something over there?" - Would you budge?

How about if you were asked to see something, like if I said "hey, want to see something cool?" and asked you to come over...would you feel awkward or would you simply go with it...knowing again that *I* am not exactly an evil person that would try to humiliate you? Would you still come over?

3) Lastly, why do you think people are so shy? Why does someone not speak at all, knowing full-well that they're smart and interesting inside?


Thank you all so much for your help and honesty!!

odd

Well this is certinaly a unusualy post but anyway to answer your questions.

#1) Its not what you ask us but your image. If you apear agressive or dominant or just talkative in general we tend to shut down

#2) Once again it not so much the question but how its asked.

#3) We are shy for many reason but mainly it depends who you conpare us to. I consider my self talkative yet people alwayse say i am shy because compare to them I am quiet and compare to others i am loud.

Our biggest problem is we see the world thru a distroted lense.

1. Up to the individual personality. Personally, I'd prefer questions regarding work of some kind. Nothing personal in any way. Personal questions from a stranger or acquaintance make me freak inside my head.

2. Nothing except a worse alternative would make me want to leave my comfort zone and participate in a group. It's highly awkward for me. Ask me questions about class or homework or anything that isn't personal and without patronizing. Don't try and make them move from their comfort zone. Go to them. Don't gang up on them. Go alone. Don't come off as if you are interested in them per se. Be interested in something else and let them know about it. These things will keep a lot of pressure off of someone who is really shy. Also, humor helps. Finding a common gripe too.

3. Me personally, I'm afraid I suppose. I'm afraid of being judged by others as harshly as I judge myself and others. I'm afraid of having to relive past experiences. I'm afraid that if people know me they won't like me or they will think I'm a loser. So I don't talk unless I already know the person. I get called on it all the time and that just makes it worse.

The best question to ask someone is something they have to answer at length. Probably something you know they would like to answer. In fact, something that you know they could be expert in. If anything, people like to be consulted about something they know. That would really bring a shy person out, I think. I think most people, even shy people (in fact shy people especially) would respond to you asking for help. I know I wouldn't want to offend anyone or seem like a jerk, that's the last thing a shy person wants. Just don't be condescending about it. I'm happy to hear you are trying hard to meet shy people.

People are shy because it's an irrational fear. There's almost no logic to it, and the logic that is used by shy people could very well be flawed. Shy people also may have had bad experiences in the past. Just remember this: the reason people avoid anything is to avoid pain. For some reason, and for each shy person it's different, talking or meeting people is somehow connected to a fear or pain reaction. It might not make sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to the shy person.

Dr. Phil has life laws and they relate to shy people:
- People Do What Works - shy people act that way because it works for them, simple as that. They avoid pain, or perhaps they would rather spend the time being introspective. This is their comfort zone.
- There is no reality, only perception - shy people have a certain perception of the world and it could be dismal. Maybe they have a bad home life or maybe they get bullied. Maybe most people are jerks. Whatever the reason, they realize that being quiet is how to deal to what they perceive the world to be.
- We teach people how to treat us - shy people have had bad luck dealing with others, and as a result the cycle continues. We don't talk to people because of how we perceive the world, and in return, the world knows we won't talk back. That makes us the quiet guy in the corner because by our actions we are telling the world to leave us alone. And since we don't actively know we are actually doing this, we never find out that we could change that.

Terrific replies so far, really has given me some different perspectives...

It all depends, if someone (me being very shy) genuinely wants to talk to me and is nice I am more inclined to be nice back and talk to them.

Like previous posters have said, it's about how you talk to them. If you are condescending in any way or are a jerk (not saying you are) they will not speak.