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Old 11-12-2015

That happened to me yesterday. It was like being called into the Principal's office to hear that I'm trouble. Apparently the cleaning ladies complained about the paper mess I make in the bathroom (that's the term that was used, but I doubt that's what they said). And they want me to stop. It was suggested that I used a toilet sanitizer, but do they really think that's gonna solve it??? I touch everything everything there with a piece of paper in my hand. It's really hard to get the toilet seat paper off the toilet without touching the toilet and throw it in the trash because of how big it is. During a crisis, I keep cutting paper after paper because I'm afraid it might've touched the trash or the wall as I do so and I don't want to get an infection. Sometimes I get so desperate I just stop throwing all that paper in the trash and throw it on the floor instead. I'm not getting out of the bathroom, I fear. I lose control.
But the paper I leave on the floor wasn't used. Not that they'll believe me.

I never felt more ashamed or embarrassed in my life. I never cry, and I thought I wouldn't stop crying. I keep having suicidal thoughts. I can't take it.

I would've stopped if I could. But I can't, I can't, I can't.

How am I going back to school again? How will I face everyone, especially the cleaning ladies on Monday?
I just don't know what to do, and I can't open up to my mom about it. She's gonna yell at me and be embarrassed about it. She doesn't get how hard it is. She almost hit me once because she couldn't take my OCD, so nowadays I just hide it as much as I can. From everyone at home... And outside.

I'm never going to work if this happened at a school that's supposed to help me get a job. I'll get fired. I'll never make a life for myself or have a relationship again. I just wish I would belong somewhere and fit in. Just once. I wish I wasn't a problem for everyone. I wish I felt like I deserve to live and God isn't doing me a favor by keeping me here.
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Old 11-12-2015
Sacrament's Avatar
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Do you think the cleaning ladies and the principal would understand if you calmly told them you have OCD and are really sorry for the mess?
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