Fear, hmmm....

I know exactly what you mean, I have always been shy, but i have had SAD for a little over a year. i just got it treated (meds, therapy) My therapist sucks(sorry if i'm not allowed to use bad language). i have been out of school for over two months and i have to go back on tuesday of next week. i have never been so scared of anything in my life. The docter says i have SAD, seperation anxity, depression(mostly just from my anxiety), and post tramatic stress disorder. i don't like to leave my mother(I'm 15, which last time i checked is really really wierd). but i have to go back to school and i have had my share of scarey things, and none of them come close to how bad this is. i am so confused and angry at what i'm feeling, i have no control over my emotion. our insurance sucks and there is no therapist that takes it, so i'm stuck with this lady who is the worst.
i hate myself for the way i am, i don't want to go back, the last day i was there i had the most awful panick attack, it started in the hallway and i couldn't get to the guidance office quick enough, i called my mom and she said i had to wait at least two more periods before she could pick me up(i know it sounds like shes awful, but i had been missing so much school and leaving early everyday, and it was only second period.) well my counseler said i should try and go back to class, well i walked in the library and everyone just stared at me, i was crying and trembling, i couldn't breath. so i sat in the corner and prayed that some freak accident would just kill me right then. well i finally stopped crying and went to my next class, i was still having the attack and as soon as someone asked what was wrong i broke down. my friend took me to the bathroom and i had to cover my mouth to stop from screaming.
that was the last time i was in school, and now i have to go back. everyone says it won't happen again and it's ridiculous that i'm so scared, but what the hell do they know????!!!!!! they have never felt what it's like, and i know i'm being over dramatic, but i can't help it, i do not want to go back with three weeks of therapy and new medicine.
Please, i need someone to talk to, someone who understands. i am so scared and i feel so helpless. i am so lonely, yet terrified of going around people, i'm miserable at home and miserable when i'm away from it. nothing has seemed to help, and i don't know how long it'll be till i totally break down and lose it.
Well, if you've read ALL that(your a better person then me if you have), i know a lot of what you mean. i have never told anyone about the stuff i just told you(a total stranger).

:lol: hey there! i can totally relate to what ur going thru. i missed so much school over the years because of my SA. I'm trying so hard to be able to go to college... maybe I just need to try a little bit more, but it is easier said than done.. honestly ppl without SA do not understand how difficult everyday things are and why we make such a big deal over mostly everything... stay on this site and keep posting n talking to ppl cuz this site has def helped me to see that there are other people like me out there... i hope things get better for you! idk ur membername... but i hope i ttyl.. cya

my member name is JeSs42790. no one knows just how hard it is to go to school everday, like you know how highschool is supposed to be a hard time, a lot of insecurity, well for us it's like doubled. it's like everytime someone says something relotely insulting about my clothes or hair i want to die, i pick apart my every flaw and can't imagine that i'm any good at anything. my parents tell me i'm good at things, but their my parents, they have to say that. but when i am riding my horse, it's like none of this matters, like my hair, my shoes and how i look mean nothing anymore, all there is, is me and my horse. i could ride in front of thousands of people and it wouldn't bother me, it doesn't matter if people think i'm bad, they don't see what i was, and what i've become, all they see is what i don't do right, or that my horse isn't some 100,000 dollar animal with perfect gaits. you can't imagine the freedom i get from that. do you know what i could do about going back to school, everyone says imagine this, and think of that, but it doesn't seem to work for me. i feel like i'm giving in, and i can't help it, i have no life, my friends have stopped calling because i always push them away. everynight i have a nightmare about school, and i get sick all the time just thinking about it, i know i need to go back, but if i have to come home again like i did the last day of school, i will never go back. i don't really like talking to too many people about this, but your story just reminded me of, well me. i can relate to a lot of what you are saying.
Jessica

hey

yeah school is def tough when you've got social anxiety. also, im reallie tough on myself for what i look like and everything.. i worry so much about what other people think of me its ridiculous n whenever neone jokes around about nething.. i take it the wrong way and start crying n i cant stop...