date with a judge... custody of my daughter!

Tomorrow's the big day. No not bloody valentine's card day or whatever, though it is that. Tomorrow I have the first court date in the trial for custody of my 5 year old daughter. I'm pretty freaked out. I have no lawyer, I'm doing it myself, and I've never done this kind of thing before. They'll probably end up throwing me in jail it'll go so bad.

I'm the kind of person where going to the store to buy a bag of whatever is not much less frightening than wandering alone through a woods after dark ... well, I'm sure if you're on this site you know what I mean.

So of course the logical thing to do is stand up and represent myself in court. What the hell was I thinking?

I'm actually pretty well prepared, I've written everything out in excruciating detail and have a series of excellent arguments as to why my girl should be with me. At least I think I do. Anyway, I have done my absolute best with it, and that's all I can do.

But how am I going to deal with standing there with all authoritative eyes on me while I do the most important thing I've ever done in my life?!?!?! I'll get through it because I have to. I've got to do this and no excuses.

So of course it's been the worst past couple of weeks of my life and I'm a complete, broken, snapped, cracked mess of a puddle of a friggin human being. My job, which is severly affected by my SP, is going very badly as of late, because I'm so freakin bruised from all of the aborted, bloody, twisted social enounters which try to happen at work, but just leave me feeling like ripping my own head off. I'm withdrawing, by choice and of my own volition, from prescription opiates, while maintaining all of my responsibilites, which means still going to work and still looking after my daughter. On top of that, I'm losing my mind for real this time. The years of pushing myself through the limits to plow through the pain of getting through life with this impossible internal situation have taken a real, calculable toll, and I am basically at the end of the storied rope, dangling by three slippery fingers over the gurgling lava pit of my f*&ked mind.

With this mess inside me, unable to speak or make eye contact, full of sharp things that cut me with every thought, it occurs to me, should I be the father of this little child?!?!?!? I am an excellent dad, I suck at absolutely everything else in life (except programming computers, yes I'm a classic case), except being a dad, she loves being with me, and we have a blast.

But I KNOW the truth of me. I exist in constant internal agony. She WILL see that in my eyes. She WILL feel that. When we are sitting reading together, and on the surface all is well, we are having a good time, but internally, blades made of anxiety are spinning around and cutting me apart, relentless emotional pain, I KNOW she senses this. WHAT EFFECT WILL THIS HAVE ON MY CHILD?!?!?!?!?!?

There is no way this affliction can be passed on to my girl. There is nothing worse that could possibly happen. Tie me to the horses and rip me apart.

Lately the nights have been really bad. I've never felt this way before. I cannot sleep. My mind just spins and spins and spins, I know you've all felt that sort of thing, everyone does, but man, believe me, this is different. My mind is not just spinning, it's disintegrating. I'm not being hypochondriac, I beat that years ago. We all have limits. I never thought I could actually lose my sanity, but when the freakin demons of the night ... I don't want to get in to this. Suffice it to say that my self finds it-self in some genuine jeopardy. I think I might be falling apart.

Ok. Maybe a situation where a socially phobic / panic disorder painfully shy lonely maniac with an evil x-wife and an extremely stressful job, is withdrawing off of opiates, has something to do with it.

Whatever.

The point is, now I am doubting my capacity to be a good parent due to the stress that's been applied to this nervous system. Which has limits.

And tomorrow I have to present my case. The architect of the universe is laughing at me, I know it. What a setup.

So I boggled the internet looking for social phobia. Never done that before, found this site, typed this in, well, I''ll click submit and it'll all disappear because I typed too long and my session expired, whatever.

Good night. Good luck. I'll post about what happens at court in case anyone won't be avoiding anything from me like the ... plaque?

Hi Shhhh. I read this today and could relate to so much of what you said about being a parent. I'm the mother of a 3 yr old and 5 yr old and feel like I stink at most everything except that, too. It's obvious you really love your daughter and know what it takes to be a good parent,...and also that you have her best at heart. I really hope you get custody. It's a scary thing to have to do in court, but your love for her will give you the strength to do it. Best of luck.

Hi Shhhh. I read this today and could relate to so much of what you said about being a parent. I'm the mother of a 3 yr old and 5 yr old and feel like I stink at most everything except that, too. It's obvious you really love your daughter and know what it takes to be a good parent,...and also that you have her best at heart. I really hope you get custody. It's a scary thing to have to do in court, but your love for her will give you the strength to do it. Best of luck.

hiya shhhh.....good luck to you...i agree...standing up and speaking in front of a crowd of people is like a nightmare...especially people in authority....and making a decision that could change your life!...honestly....i'm pretty sure i couldn't do it...so, good for you for doing it, despite how hard it will be for you......and, i guess, the one thing that would motivate and help you through is....your daughter...the reason you are there...good luck :!:

I hope it goes well for you.

I am a parent with SA also, my son knows I'm shy but he is the opposite of me- outgoing, talkative. I think alot of our problem is something we were born with. Please don't think having SA makes you a bad parent, it sounds like you are crazy about her and commited to being her dad and those are the main things!

Let us know how it goes!

thank you for your encouraging replies

bashfulgirl, I caught your message before heading downtown to the court, and really, it was like having a candle to take with me down those dark stairs

I don't talk to anyone! so having some positive feedback from someone really meant a lot

anyway it's been adjourned for 2 weeks so we can attempt mediation

that should be fun, trying to reach a compromise with a woman who's whole strategy when disagreeing is to just stop making sense. how do you argue with that?

it WILL be fun, because she won't be able to play that game anymore! I can use LOGIC for once with her, and have it mean something

it was pretty uneventful this time though

a lot of sitting around not having a clue what to do with my face

is this common with people on this site?

there I am sitting on some chair, no one around, my face just hanging there in space, no problem

along walks a lady, uh oh, my damn face goes all twitchy, I don't know what to do with it

should I could grimace like a scary clown, yawn like a lion, stick my tongue out and run it up the wall, or just plunk my head between my knees and roll away from the problem?

but what to do with my eyes is the really hard thing to figure out. god forbid anyone tries to make eye contact with me or smile at me, then my suffocating little world goes instantly to pieces and I could start to cry, imagine that

so I just turn away, ignore them, and fwoosh, there goes another chance to make human contact, they just think I'm a jerk, or an idiot, some slimy person not worth knowing

none of which I am

it DOES suck being this way

are there any advantages I'm just overlooking?

***

really, REALLY nice to hear from other parents who have this sort of thing going on

bashfulgirl, maggie, still-in-my-shell, thank you SO much just for providing me with the information that you exist! not that I would wish any of you to share this problem, but, thank god you do! that I'm not sitting alone on this barren planet!

because it really does feel like I'm the only one in my world, like I am totally alone in the world

there are all the things of life exploding all around me in lights, colors, music, laughter, people passing by looking in my window, and me still as stone, some kind of frozen gargoyle, caricature of bitterness and loneliness, cartoon boy, locked away from it all

beyond my reach

how many of you have parents that are socially phobic? both of mine are.

and I ask this as a parent

shhhh said:

how many of you have parents that are socially phobic? both of mine are.

Click to expand...

Wow, good luck with all you are going through. I know I can relate to a lot of what you said.

In regards to our parents, I am fairly sure that my mom was a social phobic, but she passed away before I began to see so much of herself in me. So we never had a conversation about it. My Dad does not have any SP, but he is emtionally distant at best. So that is my parents in a nutshell.

I really wonder how I will do as a parent someday. I know I will be able to cope with a lot for my own child because I manage to cope with a lot for others now. But man, children are learning from their parents ALL of the time. And there are so many feelings I don't want a child to learn from me.

Neither of my parent had social phobia, but I know my mom had panic attacks- she just didn't let them get to her like I did.

However both did something that was terrible for someone with SA and that is being very over-protective and not letting me go out much. Without knowing it they taught me how to fear the world.

Oh- and I totally know what you mean about the face thing. Glad to hear I'm not the only one!

hiya shhhh......i was just reading your reply..and honestly...i can really relate to how you describe sitting and "not knowing what to do with your face" 8O ......this morning, i had a dentist appointment..and, like always, i had booked the very first appointment of the day..(i thought)...8 a.m.....but 2 other people walked into office at the very same time as me.......crap!!..so, i had to sit there across from them and like wonder...."do i look at them...not look at them...stare at the floor..get up and pick up stupid magazine"....it's exhausting man!!..and the funny thing is...i sit there so so quietly...like a little mouse..but, on the inside...i'm totally freaking out :x

maggie said:

...it's exhausting man!!..and the funny thing is...i sit there so so quietly...like a little mouse..but, on the inside...i'm totally freaking out :x

Click to expand...

Me too!! I was just worrying about the hair dresser for the same reasons.

...

My daughter as well is showing signs of becoming the "opposite" of me.

I'm not really concerned about her becoming socially phobic; her mom is a really outgoing person (especially when she's loaded, which is from about 9am onwards, I'm telling you the truth, hence my fight for custody), and my girl will talk to anyone, anywhere. Much to my discomfort while standing in line at the checkout!

What I worry about is her picking up on the "negative vibes" coming from me. She knows me better than anyone, and I am an internal train wreck. She sees inside me. Often, my brain is just a jumbled chaos of synaptic disfunction. When looking after her, I will act fine. I will do everything right, I say the right things, we play, read, all good stuff, but it's an act. And I really think she knows it.

I worry about what effect just the knowledge of such a thing will have on her. My dad is mentally ill, always has been. Seriously delusional, diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I know this has had a very great negative effect on me, and I cannot seem to shake it. Our parents really do live inside us. And my mom is pretty much a non-functioning member of society. She's a 50 year old little girl. So that's no help either.

I've been "trying to take up" meditation for a couple of years now. Once I get everything else done at the end of the day, I kind of collapse in a heap, and forget about it, too tired.

Has anyone here tried meditation of any kind? With what result?

Shhh, I'm glad for you that you daughter is out going. When you say you put on an act and do all the right things with her it sounds like me talking about my situation. My mind is whirling with negativity and depression all day every day it seems and I'm so concerned that my kids not live their lives with the emotional pain that I've had all these years. It's on my mind all the time as I try to act happy with them. What strikes me Shhh is that you are very aware of how your daughter is doing and concerned about it. It doesn't sound like you parents were aware of what was happening with you because of their own problems and niether were mine. The fact that you are aware and working so hard to be a good parent is in my opinion going to help your daughter be happier than the majority of the kids out there