Confessions...

I don't know why I'm even doing this. Please don't read any of this... and if you do, just pretend like you didn't. I feel regret boiling inside of my veins already... but here goes:

If I had any sense of commitment in life I'd be somewhat of a successful overachiever, because I am the classic example of somebody who tries way too hard. I guess it's some sort of coping mechanism to relieve how shitty I feel all the time, but it never really works (and on that note, that's why I'm never going to touch alcohol or any other substance as long as I live!). I think it's why I have anxiety. I feel like if I can do my best to make everyone like me, my self esteem is going to magically skyrocket into the outer limits of the universe and the pain will all subside. Unfortunately, even though people seem to like the guy I am, I still feel dead. Plus, it sucks all the life out of me to try and be whatever it is in my mind I think people will like. That's where social anxiety really comes into play. Basically, being a perfectionist sucks ass.

But even through accomplishments, no matter how big or small they are, the grass is ALWAYS greener. I tend to think that if I win everyone over, or I get an awesome girlfriend (confession #2, i'm still a virgin), or I'm really successful, or blah blah blah (fill in the blank) that i will ultimately be a happy person all around. However, the older I get the more I'm realizing that none of that is true. You just can't get happy that way.

I hope nobody's reading this, cause it sucks. I don't even know why I'm posting this here. I guess what I'm really trying to get at is that... there is no outside cure. There really is no sense in trying so damn hard, and I think I'm finally realizing what SA really is, and why I have it. All I've done so far is try to block out how badly I feel inside by overachieving in everything i do, or being perfect at everything. And as everyone knows, YOU CAN'T be perfect. You can't always be the best. And it sucks to find that out when it's what you've based you life around. Seriously.

In the end though, I am so sick of trying. Or trying too hard, rather. I'm starting to believe that happiness comes straight from the soul, not from our material plane. Everything seems to be a quick fix, and I'm honestly ready to give up and just start living a fun life, and less of a meaniingful existence or whatever it is I'm trying to hard to lead.

I doubt anyone feels the same way, but here I go hitting the damn submit button. If this is the last post I make on this site, now you know why. See you around.

I don't know why posting this is such a big deal, it seems like any other post here.

I agree with everything you've said, except you make it seem that "living a fun life" is a choice. If I knew how to just "give up" as you said, and live a fun life, sure I would, and I think any of us would. If I could find a way to stop my brain from being so overly analytical, then great, but I can't, most of us can't, which is why we have SA.

Infected_Malignity said:

I'm honestly ready to give up and just start living a fun life, and less of a meaniingful existence or whatever it is I'm trying to hard to lead.

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My friend actually told me to do exactly this. I don't think having a fun life, or a happy life automatically leads to a meaningless life. If you're a good person, as i'm sure you are, your being happy, or doing things that make you happy, will inadvertently lead to other people being happy too. And in the end, being happy is all that matters.

As for achievements. I don't want to think they as useless as you are making them out to be. They're something for you to be proud of, something to draw on when you have a bad day. Theres no need to be the best, but its nice to know you're good at something.

Or... is it possible to lower expectations so much so that you're always happy with mediocrity... i don't actually know.

I really like this thread.. its something i'm thinking about and trying to figure out too.

Back with more thoughts, since this is something i've been thinking about alot too:

Infected_Malignity said:

But even through accomplishments, no matter how big or small they are, the grass is ALWAYS greener.

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I found that too. After accomplishing something i'm happy for a day or two, then its onto the next thing. And when I look back I think "wow... what did I do all that work for". I would like to think that you can be happy by being an overachiever. Otherwise we could all be happy homeless bums as long as we lower our expectations enough.

I’m trying to change the way I think and behave in two ways to deal with this. First, I’m trying to find enjoyment in a challenge. Secondly I’m feel like I should be more picky in choosing those challenges. And not be afraid to outright fail in things I don’t care much about. That way I won’t be succeeding for the sake of success. But actually care about what I’m doing, and enjoy the process of getting there. And when I’m done, and the grass is greener somewhere else, I can look forward to tackling that next, and be happy that I have a new challenge and new goal to work toward.

I think i understand what you are saying. I too am a perfectionist but am so far from perfection that it's not even funny, i am so far off most people's level even! I feel like i have do better than people for example at uni to make up for all the other categories that i fail in e.g social life etc etc etc...

It never gives me any satisfaction if i do well though because then i just feel like i'll just have to live up to it next time or i will be a failure and it must have been easy anyway.

I also think i live in the misguided hope that one day i will be a better person, i will have a worthwhile job, i will have friends, i will have a boyfriend and all this will make me oh so happy and life will be so lovely dovely. I know though that once you get something you thought you wanted you realise maybe it wasn't all that you thought and you want something else. I think this is common to most humans, you always want more, you are never satisfied with what you have. The idea of being happy your whole life is not not not realistic. I'm starting to realise though that this whole f**cked up thing is completely within me, that i have to find the answer myself and someone is not going to come along and fix me, if i even need fixing.

I feel like i am struggling to find a purpose to do anything in life, who am i trying to please?

Sorry that turned into some rambling bullshit half of which probably doesn't make sense.

Day_Tripper said:

I don't know why posting this is such a big deal, it seems like any other post here.

I agree with everything you've said, except you make it seem that "living a fun life" is a choice. If I knew how to just "give up" as you said, and live a fun life, sure I would, and I think any of us would. If I could find a way to stop my brain from being so overly analytical, then great, but I can't, most of us can't, which is why we have SA.

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I guess it's really just about acceptance then, the more I think about it. That doesn't always guarantee 'fun' as I had originally put it, but it keeps the vast majority of anxiety at bay. I had a great, chilled out day at work today for once just by sheerly accepting the fact that I have anxiety and that's not going to change anytime soon. I just took deeper breaths and didn't mind it so much when my heart started to pound... because just seconds later... it stops!

You know, sometimes I think a little amount of SA is entirely normal. Maybe it's something everybody faces at one point or another, and just doesn't dwell on so much like the self-proclaimed social wrecks like myself do. I kind of feel like this is also true for depression, but that's way off topic.

Oh well, this was a shitty thread that I'll be deleting next time I'm on here. Thanks for the pity responses