Downwardspiral
Member
I've been sitting here...
For what seems like endless hours...
And I had this thought..
Life is so sad, it's almost beautiful.
The rain, tears, cemeteries...
The pain and sorrow..
It's what makes us who we are..
We are on such a deeper level of understanding down here...
But I think about my own sadness and there is nothing beautiful about it.
Just discouraging..
More and more my life finds ways to complicate itself..
There really isn't a point...
I had a dream..
It was pretty elaborate..
but it was the end that really cheered me up..
I found my literal dream guy...
and he made me feel actual happiness
Of course I woke up...
That was depressing...
what isn't?
I want to let go and stop caring but I can't...
Everywhere I look...there is either pain or distrust or something..
It's getting to hard to deal with..
Too many things to want..
To need..
Stuck.
Now...along with not being able to tell what I'm feeling...I have the heavy feeling back in my chest...and now anxiety has joined the party..
At first...
I felt good about going to college...
Now I find myself caring less and less...
I don't even want to go anymore...
I can't get a job...
I don't have anymore drugs..
Just stupid cigarettes which do nothing for me...
I feel like I'm losing control..
Like I'm holding onto this tire swing..
And it's spinning so fast that I'm starting to lose my grip..
And eventually it will just throw me off...and i'll fall...
And there wont be anyone there to pick me up
I wish I could find that dream guy...
Just be happy...
But more and more...I feel like a loser...
I feel pathetic...
I feel so frustrated just thinkin about myself...
Gotta love sundays right?
God is great.....
I think I'd actually kill myself...but on my own terms..
Like when i get my own apartment..
Dying is special...
Not something I'd like to share with my family...
Plus at least I can be at peace instead of dying feeling the anxiety of someone waking up or something.
You know how people get those sixth senses about something bad happening...
Lame.
I want to leave so badly though...
It's not worth it anymore...
I want to find my dream guy again...
"All the drugs in this world wont save her from herself"
Gotta love Marilyn Manson..
Woooo
On the last site i tried posting this at...they went in and took out things they thought were "triggers"...they went into my feelings...and changed them...it was a depression forum for crying out loud..if that doesn't upset someone ...god it makes me angry...
Can you say party?
>_<
I can't take this ...
I can't feel better...
It's pointless...
I always love reading fantasy books..and dreaming...and watching things like Heroes...
Then I think it just depresses me more than anything...
Nothing like that will ever happen..
Life isn't extraordinary...
It sucks...
I don't know anymore...I really don't..
i wish i could just dream myself into an episode of heroes ...find that guy...and never come back..
why don't dreams ever come true..
For what seems like endless hours...
And I had this thought..
Life is so sad, it's almost beautiful.
The rain, tears, cemeteries...
The pain and sorrow..
It's what makes us who we are..
We are on such a deeper level of understanding down here...
But I think about my own sadness and there is nothing beautiful about it.
Just discouraging..
More and more my life finds ways to complicate itself..
There really isn't a point...
I had a dream..
It was pretty elaborate..
but it was the end that really cheered me up..
I found my literal dream guy...
and he made me feel actual happiness
Of course I woke up...
That was depressing...
what isn't?
I want to let go and stop caring but I can't...
Everywhere I look...there is either pain or distrust or something..
It's getting to hard to deal with..
Too many things to want..
To need..
Stuck.
Now...along with not being able to tell what I'm feeling...I have the heavy feeling back in my chest...and now anxiety has joined the party..
At first...
I felt good about going to college...
Now I find myself caring less and less...
I don't even want to go anymore...
I can't get a job...
I don't have anymore drugs..
Just stupid cigarettes which do nothing for me...
I feel like I'm losing control..
Like I'm holding onto this tire swing..
And it's spinning so fast that I'm starting to lose my grip..
And eventually it will just throw me off...and i'll fall...
And there wont be anyone there to pick me up
I wish I could find that dream guy...
Just be happy...
But more and more...I feel like a loser...
I feel pathetic...
I feel so frustrated just thinkin about myself...
Gotta love sundays right?
God is great.....
I think I'd actually kill myself...but on my own terms..
Like when i get my own apartment..
Dying is special...
Not something I'd like to share with my family...
Plus at least I can be at peace instead of dying feeling the anxiety of someone waking up or something.
You know how people get those sixth senses about something bad happening...
Lame.
I want to leave so badly though...
It's not worth it anymore...
I want to find my dream guy again...
"All the drugs in this world wont save her from herself"
Gotta love Marilyn Manson..
Woooo
On the last site i tried posting this at...they went in and took out things they thought were "triggers"...they went into my feelings...and changed them...it was a depression forum for crying out loud..if that doesn't upset someone ...god it makes me angry...
Can you say party?
>_<
I can't take this ...
I can't feel better...
It's pointless...
I always love reading fantasy books..and dreaming...and watching things like Heroes...
Then I think it just depresses me more than anything...
Nothing like that will ever happen..
Life isn't extraordinary...
It sucks...
I don't know anymore...I really don't..
i wish i could just dream myself into an episode of heroes ...find that guy...and never come back..
why don't dreams ever come true..
