At the brink of my sanity

I just transferred from a community college to a big university. I was really excited all summer long to do something new. On the second day of school I wanted to drop all of my classes and stay in the house for the rest of my life.

One of the classes that I was excited about was French. I had all of these grand fantasies about it. I was going to go in there and speak perfect French and by the end of the semester I would be almost fluent in it. Needless to say that is not the case. I feel like I am the only person in class who has no clue what is going on. The teacher calls on everyone else and they know exactly what he it talking about. I have no clue because he speaks in French the whole class and I don't understand gestures, I need to hear and see to understand. There is no English whatsoever. To make things worse he calls on us to answer questions, and I feel like 90% of the time I am lost.

The class that has spun me into depression is my Musicianship class. Last week the teacher asked me first, of all of the people he could have called on, to sight-sing this line in solfege. It was something so simple and I have done it before, but of course I completely choked. I have never done that before and I picked that moment of all moments to do it. I wanted to stop but he told me to keep on going so I just muttered something really fast to get it over with, and of course the next person he called on got it perfect. I hate being put on the spot and I hate to have the whole class thinking I am an idiot. For the first time I went in the bathroom and cried after class. Then, the same thing happened again yesterday. I was still reeling from what happened before and I tried to telepathically tell him not to call on me but he did AGAIN. I tried to do it but I just stopped and told him to ask someone else, and yet again, that person did it perfectly. So, once again I was totally humiliated in that class, and now everyone knows that I am an idiot.

The thing is this, I want to be a musician and apparently if you can't pass musicianship the probability of getting into graduate school is pretty low. I already had this social phobia making it hard for me because I have a horrible case of stage fright and now I have this, the final nail in my coffin. So, I have just realized that I have nothing left to live for. The only thing that kept me going when I was in a bad place was the fact that I had music. Now it seems I don't even have that. There is nothing else that I want to do with my life and I feel as if my mind is coming apart at the seams. I feel like at any moment I could just lose it and become catatonic and be trapped inside my mind. At least in my mind I could live the life I want to live and I wouldn't be tied down to the constraints of reality. I have never been this depressed in my life, I don't know what to do and no one truly understands what I am going through. I have lost the only thing that I had. Yesterday the thought came to me that if I don't flunk out this semester (going from a 3.6 to a 0.0 would be just great) then I may take a leave of absence next year. I really don't want to be around people anymore.

I'm sorry for writing so much, but can anyone tell me what to do to prevent myself from completely losing my sanity?

Have you had anxiety during school before? For me, I always had anxiety when called on in class at random. In college, I dropped Latin because of it. But, I made it through other classes that were the same format. I had a math and grammar class that were like that. I'm also a musician and have performed on stage before.

If you can get the material down, it can actually help you with anxiety since you will prove to yourself that you can go through those situations with confidence. You can also use this as an opportunity to face the anxiety and overcome it. A common reaction to anxiety is avoidance. But, sticking it out may help you overcome it.

Another option is to have a talk with your teacher about it (only if he/she is approachable).

If its really bad you can always consider dropping the class before the drop deadline if you don't think you can make it. This will prevent you from getting a bad grade. There may be mid-semester classes you can register for too that will keep your semester credits in tact so financial aid won't give you a hard time. It's better not to drop, but college usually gives you lots of options (like sign language, or taking French online).

I have always hated being called on in class and giving speeches. I would think about it days and weeks before and get terrible anxiety. The thing is I did not have to worry about that happening very often. I have French every single day, so every day I am worried about the fact that I am going to be called on. I have Musicianship twice a week but the anxiety over it feels like I have it all day, every day.

I am not the type of person to give up, but I really want to and I don't know how to deal with that feeling.

I really don't like ruminating over what I have done and what people think about me if I don't have to. I do that enough already and if I asked for help, something I have never done before, then I will just spend my days thinking about what an idiot the teacher thinks I am. It's not in my head, I hear people saying how easy it is for them every minute that we are in class. It is quite sickening. I am used to just toughing things out on my own and asking for help is really a problem for me.

I already dropped one class. The deadline was last Friday and I thought that after I dropped that class things would get better, but they seem to have only gotten worse.

Thank you for replying and for the advice.

YOu are sooooooooo not alone on this one.

I am in my second year in college and I am taking spanish..

God knows I am horrible at it and feel lost 100% of the time. Unfortunately, the teacher calls on us to speak out loud and answer questions in spanish. Just last week I got called on, I was anxious to begin with, and got lost in the midst of text book pages trying to figure out the damn answer to the quesiton (in spanish). my voice cracked and after class I felt like it was the end of my college career. Ever since then I have ginxd myself and get anxious everytime I am called upon in that class.

But here is my proposal to you: It is still early enough in the semester to add/drop classes. Maybe you should drop the music class and french class and add more laid back classes for this semester so you can cool off for a bit. Then next semester or next year take the classes that give you anxiety because hopefully by then you could mentally prepare yourself.

Thank you. At this point if I could drop the French class I would, but the drop/add period is over, this is the third week of school. I need the Musicianship for my major and if I don't take it now I will have to wait another year and that will extend my time in college, something I definitely do not want to do.

The worst part about it is that in both classes there are like only twenty people, but in French class I know that he will call on me because he calls on everyone. In Musicianship he does not call on everyone, he only calls on a few people. I just want to know why me?! I look around the classroom and I see people who have never been humiliated as much as I have. I am just going to skip that class today. I need to time to think about everything. I skipped the French yesterday. I really need to go to sleep, I'm going to have only like four hours now.